thinking

"You make life happen, you do not wait for it to happen." In the past year or so, life has been happening to me. not the just the fire but the job the child support the whole nine years. I have been letting life happen to me, over and over again, I have let guys call the shits and let people I dislike control my actions throughout the weeks and months, some of this was unavoidable and the price paid for life, like the dealings with the fire. But some was just passivity. Let me share with you something that happened to me today. I was sitting in heavy traffic today, and waiting my turn at a very slow light. Someone in the lane going the other direction honked and preceded to yell at me to move my car up some so he could get through. And I did. I moved up just a little so that he could get through. I thought about it later, thinking, why did I move up? why did I not just stand my ground and make him wait just because he told me too? I wanted to go back and do over that moment so I could smile and tell him no, and make him wait like everyone else. So, I'm starting to see the problem now, I have been letting life happen to me, over and over and over. I have done very little to create action within my own life, besides whine about being unhappy. I find myself willing to let some dreams go, and then I stop myself, and think, wow, what are you doing? Those dreams are what keep you moving day to day, give you something bigger to aim for. If you let them go, what do you have left, what will the drive in your life become? Letting them go, is how I set the wheels in motion to become exactly what I despise the most, a person scared of life and so comfortable in her rut she never sees enough life to want more. I want more. I don't want to be that person, who's so scared of life she wont even travel alone for fear of the consequences.

So what now? That seems to be the problem within my life. I can usually identify the problems pretty well but the solutions evade me. even as I write this I can feel the anxiety of change moving within me. I have heard once that the trick to making any kind of a change is to first identify the end result you would like to see, and then break the process into small manageable steps. What do I want? even that is a hard question to answer. I want a place of my own. I want a better job. I want work that makes me enough money to pay the bills and makes me happy, or at least isn't too annoying in the process. I want a better relationship with myself. I cannot find someone to love me if I don't first love and respect my self. I am moving in that direction, but there is a long way to go. What else do I want? I want a life for me and my children that satisfies me. And what in my life would I have to have in order to feel satisfied? I would have to have the ability to respect myself and believe that I need more, and I deserve more in my life. Maybe I have accepted what I've been dealt so far is because that's what I feel is acceptable. You treat people in your life how to treat you. I have allowed too much. I want more, I need more. Why don't i respect myself? Why do I allow people to treat me life a servant? I am a helper. I like to help. I find satisfaction in knowing I made someone elses day a little better because of my actions or choices. And I allow people to take that too far. Why is the ability to set and maintain boundaries so hard for me? So in reality this process needs to start with setting and maintaining boundaries in my life and in my head. I have done this once, just recently. Someone wanted to alter the course of my life drastically, with his ideas and his changes. At first, I was listening. I was giving all the right answers and nodding appreciatively. And it occurred to me, finally that I didn't want what he was spinning. These were not changes I desired. But my initial reaction was to go along with his ideas. But I finally I found myself. I found my voice. I said no thanks. and he argued. He couldn't possibly understand why I would turn down an offer like his. I made my life happen, in that I made my choice and stood my it. Simply because I didn't want to. I didn't feel like the right choice. If I did it once, I can do it again. I can find my voice and find more than just telling off one person. I just need to take the time to look. I don't know what the next step is yet, but my recent actions tell me that the ability to speak up for myself is there, its always been there waiting. I just need to use it once in a while.

making progress

I know we are almost there, and all I can think about is the amount of work that lays ahead of me right now. There's packing and moving and sorting and the like. We are so close now but the end still seems like its so far away, even though we are looking at a total of 11 days or so. after 9 months 11 days should be no big deal right? Yet I'm like a kid at Christmas, I want it NOW. And yet there is some anxiety over the move. Patrick has become very attached to our current furniture which does not belong to us. He was very upset when he realized we would not be keeping it. Even the reminder that we were to get new only helped a little. I can only hope I can dig deep and pull out just a little more in order to get us through this last stretch, At this point I find myself wondering what else I could possibly have left to give. Yet, I know I will find it somewhere. I simply have to.

We have a floor!! The pseudo hardwood floors have been installed! I take every step we can mark as one that needs to be acknowledged and celebrated. The date of December 18th has not been changed...yet. We hope the reconstruction company will be true to their word. We are supposed to be getting carpets this week. I just want my home back.

the countdown has begun

The reconstruction company claims we will be back in the house on or around the 18th of this month. I'll believe that when i see it, but i'm gonna try and hold them to it. Maybe one thing is going right today.

Merry Fucking Christmas, AKA not feeling it this year.

So I know Christmas is coming. and mentally I have been in a better place than I have been in almost a year. I have started bringing the kids to church again. God and I are on speaking terms again, although the distance is still there for sure. We are in the home stretch for the house, or so it would seem. We've been told all along they are HOPING to get us back in by Christmas. The key word there of course is HOPING. Now that's its coming closer, there are delays being thrown in front of us one after the other, layered with too many excuses. The construction company is waiting for this and waiting for that and needs this, and when we point these things out, we get "well we're working on that..." which tells me there is something we're not being told. Here's our progress so far, my bathroom is almost done! BUT...we have no outlets or toilets or appliances or flooring and mom has no bathroom. Calls to the restoration company are not returned about getting a firm date. I just want to know which house I'm supposed to decorate, or if I should even bother at all this year!I just want to know which house to plan for. And yet with the path I seem to be on recently that seems to be too much to ask for. I hate that we are so close and yet there is no end in sight. I need to move past this so badly, and yet every time I think its getting close another blockade is thrown in my way. I do believe nothing happens by accident in this world and nothing is coincidental. I ask myself again and again what exactly this is supposed to teach me. What am I supposed to be taking from this whole experience? The only thing I've taken so far is that the system sucks and the homeowners have very little control over any part of it besides the colors. With all of the this, and the other nonsense being thrown into my path in addition to the house issues, it seems like no matter what I do I can't win. I know of course that's not true, but I cant help but feel that way sometimes. I've been accused of being a Debbie Downer recently, and I can see where that name would fit. I keep telling myself this too shall pass. I thank God every day for my kids, because I do truly believe they are the only thing that gets me out of bed some days. and as long as I have that, I know I'll be OK, because I simply have no other choice.

life

Life is hard. And sometimes, a lot of times its not fair. When my life changed I let go of a lot. I lost a lot. I now see a lot of what I lost was given up voluntarily. By me. I gave up my hope. I gave up my dreams. I choose to focus on what was gone, to focus on the injustice. I didn't lose myself in the fire, I gave it away. I chose for it to be that way. It was not taken. It was surrendered. I felt myself at the whims of God. I cried for what was, what had been. That's then. I'm trying to take it back now. Tomorrow I can choose differently. Tomorrow is not then, its not today. Tomorrow I can choose to make this a new day in my life. I surrendered my will, my control to the smoke that filled the walls and the flames that consumed them. I am in charge. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I will choose not to feel sorry for myself. I will choose to smile. Life is hard. Life is frequently unfair. Life is not about avoiding the storms its about learning to dance in the rain. I want to dance again.

new pictures

These are the most recent picture taken earlier this afternoon. It may not seem like much but I hang onto each improvement as a lifeline, one small step closer to the end. I know this won't all magically go away the minute we move back in, but it begins a new chapter of healing, I hope.



these are a little dark, but the garage is almost totally done! Of course there is no electricity in the house yet, so I can't get a clear picture just yet, but it gives you an idea.

Brand new railing!!! Makes it look so much more finished, you know?

This one is where the fridge will go, eventually.

The kitchen...in progress. The cabinets look really nice so far. It still seems like they have so much to do we'll never get there. That's not true of course, but sometimes it feels that way.

getting through

The hard part, I have found, is not the event itself, it's when the long term everyday life kicks in, and you have to get through the day to day, dealing with the fall out the event caused. The rest of the world has forgotten and moved on, and yet the mess still remains for you to deal with. The world expects you to go on, and yet you want to scream "can't you see everything is different now?" But no, to them its not. Life plods onward and we are expected to continue to move through it as I always have. I am different now, not one of us will move through this unscathed, and we are still in the process of finding out who were are on the other side of this thing. Gabe seems to have bounced better than any of us, he just smiles and goes on with his day. Pat refuses to leave the house unless he absolutely has to, and mom had regressed to the point of being old. Then there's me, lost in the maze and trying to find an outlet for the resentment and anger that sometimes bubbles up just beneath the surface. It happens less often now, and I find better ways to deal with it as it does. I don't know if that's dealing with it, or just learning to accept it as a part of my life. I look at my son, and wonder who he is now. Where is the child I raised who wanted to go somewhere every minute of the day, who now wants to stay home. Part of me thinks, God why aren't we past this yet? I can't help but wonder how long this is supposed to take? I find myself looking for the light at the end of my tunnel, and there is none, at least not yet. I know in my head this too shall pass, but my heart is not convinced yet.

can't catch a break

I often wonder what I have done to deserve the path I am currently travelling. I am now dealing with Patricks school as they do not want to deal with him and his issues. He has been diagnosed with PTSD and we were trying some meds to combat the anxiety and the side effects were creating problems. Their response every time is to call me to come get him. This solves nothing. They don't want to set plans in place for the bahvavior they want to slap labels on him and not listen. Thankfully he has a great therapist who is helping me fight them and get what he needs. I'm so tired of life being hard. I'm so tired of constant roadblocks. I'm so tired of no one thing in my life right now coming the way I need it to. I'm just tired. But tomorrow is another day and I will get up and continue to fight for my boy because there is no one else willing to fight with me. My friends keep me moving. My love for my son is my only motivation. I can only hope I know what I'm doing.

new pictures

We have new pictures of progress to post! We have no flooring, and we have no railings around the stairs, but its slowly starting to look like a house again. The colors shown here are not totally true to life, since its only a cell phone used to take the pictures, but it gives you an idea of how its going to look. We're picking flooring out on Monday and I get so nervous that I'm going to pick it wrong, and we'll be stuck with ugly forever. Its slowly slowly starting to look like a real house.

This is my room, you get an idea of the blue on the walls. Its sort of a blue grey color.

This is Pat's room! He picked the orange out himself. I wasn't sure how I felt about it as first but its so sunny, I think it works.

Gabe's room, I love this shade of blue and he picked it himself.

this is the bathroom, upstairs, no paint of fixtures yet but at least its not black anymore!

Look for more pictures tomorrow!

me and Him

Someone asked me recently to go to church with him, and I said no. I considered it briefly and then decided that I just couldn't do it. not yet. I find myself wrestling with this still, although I hoped I would find some peace with this by now. I guess my schedule is a little different than the one Goad has planned for me. I found myself actually talking to Him this weekend for the first time in many months. I had thought maybe I was making progress with my anger. Then this morning, as I ponder the very difficult path my oldest has chose for himself, I found that same anger right there waiting for me. I think about what the last 6 months have been like, and what changes have taken place within my family as a direct result of it. Cause apparently, my life wasn't nearly hard enough already, someone felt the overwhelming need to make it just that much harder. As a single mom, dealing with my mom and work and school and kids and therapy, I really really needed something else to compete for my attention. I've taken some knocks in the last 36 years, some harder than others. After a short but unhappy marriage, and finding the inner me enough to walk away, to save myself, I thought things were getting better. I was in school, Pat was in therapy, and things were starting to show signs of life again. I actually believed the worst was behind us and all the hard work was going to start to pay off. And then, just as my back was turned and I was starting to feel pretty good, the rug was yanked out from under me, and we all got pushed back further then we had been when we began. Now we not only have to make up the progress we made, we have to do it damaged and hurt. don't get me wrong, we will get through this, there is simply no other choice. I'm just pissed that I have to. People have asked me how I can blame God for this, they say He had nothing to do with it. I don't see anyone else in charge around here, do you? Bottom line, I don't understand. People say to accept, that God knows what He's doing. This is God's will? This mind numbing, gut wrenching, angry, bitter place I'm walking through, is God's will? Why? Why is this my path? I find myself asking again and again, why this happened, not just to me, but to one of the sweetest and most sensitive boys I've ever had the privilege to know. and really, I think that's where the anger actually stems from. I don't really care what I go through, I know I can handle it. But this time, this time God decided to pick on one of my kids. And that's something I just can't accept. The real anger stems from the fact that they are hurting and I can't see anyone else to blame. Patrick and Gabe did not deserve this. They've done nothing. Patrick had enough to deal with on his own, this is too much. I can only hope God knows what He's doing, cause it sure as hell doesn't look like it from down here.

i wonder

Does where we've been color who we are now, or does the person we are currently remain pretty much the same no matter what sort of much we wander through on the way through life? I have often asked myself over the course of this particular bump in the road who I am, feeling very much like Jean Val Jean in Les Mis. Who am I? But now I have to ask if I ever really knew myself before this. I surrounded myself with my things, the little minutes that make up our small universe, comforted by the contents of my room, my stuff. I was able to point to it, and say this is me, this place this space. Was I always in search of my self, or did I used to know and lost it because of the shift this event caused? Its brought to the surface many things I thought long gone, long since buried, and yet now I find myself wrestling with them again. what makes me who I am, who we all are? am I me because of my friends, or in spite of them? I can only give factual answers, I am a mom, an ex wife, a sister, a woman. what else? I am a survivor, and sometimes a warrior. I find myself looking back on who I was 6 months ago, passably contented with the status quo, and not knowing of I was lost then too, only turning my head so I couldn't see, wouldn't see. I think its vital in each of our journeys that we ask ourselves this question at least once, and find an answer we are content with. I need to know who am i now? Who was I then? maybe in order to answer the first question, I must answer the second. I don't think we will be able to automatically return to our former lives the minute we return to the house. The trust we had in the universe has been badly shaken, and that will not be restored overnight. Maybe not at all. Its just how it works. I will be seeking the new normal, and can only hope I like what I find when I get there.

opportunities

I got the rare opportunity this weekend to see myself through the eyes of my friends, through the lens of who I was years ago. Rarely do we get the chance to take stock of ourselves via other people eyes. I remember so clearly who I was in school, and one minute back on campus and I can feel that person start to bubble top the surface. She was young, and very naive, although she would have denied it at the time, thinking herself worldly and mature. I look at myself now, a little battle scarred, but wiser. I don't remember being afraid then, but I am now, sometimes. I fear what might be, I fear was was and has been. School was marked for me with long periods of abject silliness, and those memories still make me smile. Not to say there weren't some dark places along the way, but I had people around me that cared what happened to me. I never appreciated the value of those people until now. Some of them I still talk to, some have fallen by the wayside. When we left school we said we'd be friends forever, and that didn't happen with all of them. I miss those we have misplaced along the way. The ones that remain are all the more valuable because they remain, for now I see how fragile and fleeting we sometimes are in each others life. I would not have made it through some dark scary things without these people there. And yet, I like the person I am now, more than the girl there was, in some ways. I no longer care what the world thinks, and that girl cared too much. I know now what I can do, because I've done it, I am doing it. Those people are still by my side, still willing to listen, and because of that, because of them, I am still here. Only now I see them for the value they hold. I am starting to believe, I just might find my way through this morass, because of these people. In each of them is a peice of who I would like to be, who I hope to become, and I can take that with me now.

going home

I had hoped getting away from my life might give me some perspective on it. I had hoped time in the silence of my own head might allow me a break. In a way, I was right. Thursday was 9 hours of my own thoughts and it was a unusual experience to say the least. I cant remember the last time I have been left alone in any kind of silence. My kids are still waiting for me at home and the stress of my life is not being put on hold. I'm simply separated myself from it for a few days. Patrick is still acting badly, Gabriel is still missing mom, and my mom is still falling apart. Why did I do this trip this weekend? There was a fair amount of guilt over leaving in the first place, feeling as if I was running away from my family. If it weren't for my kids, I wouldn't want to go home at all. But I also know all I would be doing is running away, and as I have proven in the past, running away only postpones the problems, not really fixes them. Patrick has been diagnosed with PTSD, and hes on Zoloft now. I don't know how I feel about that. It has taken the edge off the anxiety, and for the first time since the fire, he feels his sad. And probably feels his angry although he hasn't voiced that yet. He seems to be getting worse, not better, and I keep hoping if I can hang on just one more day I can get us through this. All this falls on to my shoulders and I worry that I'm not up to the challenge. I can only hope I am. At this point all I'm hoping is the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train. I want to fix this, and I can't. Even after the dark place I went through in college, I do not ever remember feeling so helpless and in effective before now. I'm still looking for control. But, yet this weekend was key to my own sanity. I remembered to laugh this weekend. I remembered I love my friends, and that no matter how it may feel I am not alone in this process. Just as I would have theirs, they have mine. That thought alone could see me through some very dark places, for I fear this journey has a few miles yet to go before I sleep. With friends like mine, I can do this. I hope.

How do I hate thee, let me count the ways

Nothing drives me much crazier than cleaning up someone else's mess. I know, I have kids, it comes as part of the package, but it still makes me nuts. I accept consequences for my own actions, my own messes, and know that if I screw it up I must clean it up. I am working so hard right now to get my kids through this, to get my mother through this, to get the family through this in tact with whats left of our sanity in tact. I DID NOT make this mess. This is not my fault, and yet, as usual here I am with the Lysol in one hand and the brush in the other trying to set everything to rights again. WHY exactly is this my job again? Mostly cause no one else is able t0 step up and do it. I have to, or we'll fall apart. My mom has become ten years older since the fire. she's forgetful; and a little doddering. Not that she sees it of course. I do everything for everyone, and yet it never seems to get any better. Spray and scrub and the mess spreads further. There are days I want to throw my hands up and walk away from all of this, and tell everyone they are on their own. I won't of course. What about me? As I move along, cleaning up the mess dropped by others, I leave my own trail of debris behind me. I must clean that as well. Since I make little progress I feel like I never actually get anywhere. Am I whining again? Maybe. I'm OK with that. I think that's part of the purpose this blog serves. If no one else is listening, this space is a place that is listening. I'm losing control. No I never had control of this. It spun wildly away from me the moment the first spark touched down unseen in the dark of my bedroom. I have discarded most of the what if's, as I can see they are useless and a waste of energy. All the wishing in the world can't unbake this. Reality is very real, and not likely to change any time soon. I'm going away for a weekend in Oct, and already I'm made to feel guilty that I'm leaving. I need a break and no one sees how thin I've been stretched recently. everyone has gotten a break, in some cases for weeks at a time, except for me. Mom thinks I should take the boys. Ummm, no. This is my time and I'm to claim it as I'm due. I can't take care of anyone else if I don't take care of me. Maybe they will appreciate me a little more when I get back .

an interesting twist.

Look at my post with the pictures of the rainbows. Then go back an reread the first post i ever did, and look at the first picture I included. I swear it was not intentional. Fascinating. Part of me would like to see as some kind of divine message, but the realistic side of me knows its coincidence. The other side speaks up again, saying there is no such thing as coincidence. Most I just say, well, would you look at that.

why why why why

Why did this happen? I have asked that question a 1000 times and yet the answer eludes me. Why? I am a Virgo, and as such I love to analyze things until I feel I completely understand it. I truly believe what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger. Frankly, I have been through worse. That was an interesting thought that occur ed to me last night. This is bad, real tough. But I have been through much worse. This is only the physical, the material that was damaged. I have waded through much darker places and always managed, somehow to come out the other side one way or another. I guess I'm starting to think maybe we will with this too. If I can get through some of the places I have been, including the destruction of a marriage among other things, this too shall pass. Interestingly enough, Patrick told me the other day he feels like he's the only one who is not over this. I almost laughed. I explained to him that even though it may seem like the rest of the family has not been as affected as he was, that grownups just don't show things the way kids do. I assured him I was no way over this yet. I can only hope I'm doing this right, if there is a right way. Maybe any way that gets you through it is all right, as long as you don't hurt anyone else in the process.

I was coming out of Target tonight, my mind racing with the information of both a therapist and a psychiatrist and a son who is falling deeper and deeper into the depths of PTSD. I feel like I'm losing my son little by little, piece by piece and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Both professionals agree there's a problem and its in the process of being addressed. All I know is I want my kid back the way he used to be. Anyway, I was coming out of Target, and the pictures above represent what I saw in the parking lot. I stopped, stared for a full couple of minutes, unable to tear my eyes away. I started to think about rainbows, and what they once represented in our biblical history. I have always thought a rainbow was a sign from God, because in order to see one, the circumstances have to be exactly right. There almost has to be a divine hand involved to see something so perfect, so fleeting. Once upon a time a rainbow represented a promise to us from God. I think it still does. This experience with the fire has rocked my faith like nothing before it, and I find myself questioning over and over why God had chose my family to give this to. I sat and looked at the rainbow, surprised to feel tears prick the backs of my eyes. I have been angry, very very angry for a while now. I looked and looked at this visual in front of me and found myself wondering if this was meant for me. This was followed with thinking how selfish this kind of thinking was, like this kind of creation could possibly be just for me. Yeah right. I wondered again, was God trying to get me a message? Was He trying to tell me, remind me that He is still here, and that I have not been left alone in this wilderness? I am not ready yet to begin the conversation with Him, not just yet, but maybe I needed a reminder that with all this stress and all this self doubt I have been wading through, this could possibly serve as reminder that its dark right now but I'm heading in the right direction. I am feeling very lost, but maybe I've at least got my feet on the right path.

to love another person

Is to see the face of God. This is the last line in Les Mis,which I have been listening to obesssively rhis week. I find the saga of loss and suffering comforting somehow.This story is so dark. And yet the characters find their redemption in the end. This gives me hope there could be peace at last, one day for me and my family. I hate this mess for me, but more I hate it for my kids. Patrick is hurting and for the first time I can't fix it. Mommy has no bandaid big enough to cover this hurt. So we trot off to the therapist and the psychaitrist is hopes this too shall pass. This will be a defining moment is his and my life. I need to be stronger than ever to guide them through this with as little damage as possible. I believe we are not given more than we can handle. So I have to hope God knows what He's doing. I sure don't.

not not not fair.

I am trying to get my son to sleep, tonight before his first day of school and his anxiety is flaring flaring flaring, and I'm becoming so resentful of this whole mess that all I can think is this is not fair! All I ever wanted was a quiet contented life with children and a man I could love and trust. The man turned out to be a total loss and the kids are the best part of our ill fated union. I got no quiet comfortable life all I got is a fire and loss. I know I should take a moment and step back and count my blessings but it seems any more all I get is angry. I know a good part of that has to do with the fire, but I think more to the point, the fire has brought other issues that were hidden to the surface. The anger, the resentment has always been there, only in much smaller amounts, over much less significant things. I love my kids, and I truly believe they are the main thing getting me through this, because I have to hold it together for them. But as I'm making lunches, and he stands in the kitchen crying because I'm not sitting next to him constantly, all I can think is this is not fair. I know, life is not fair, get used to it. Why did this happen t us, to him? Pat is the gentlest, most sensitive creature I have ever had the privilege to know, but these anxiety issues wear me down. I have to wonder where is the balance between finding the strength to guide him through this and being completely controlled by a child and his wavering emotions? Sometimes, when he flares like this I get to tired of always having to be the strong one, and always be the one to hold it together. But that seems to be my role in life. I should count my blessings, and I will begin with the 9 year old boy who is finally sleeping next to me.

too too long

I have been unable to post, as I don't know where to begin on how I really feel about all of this. I know the money issue is getting in the way of my truly moving past this, at least for now. For those of you I haven't vented to recently, the insurance company has issued us our check. When we first filed the claim, i had to provide a separate list as to the contents of my room, as nothing in there was identifiable. I think the money from the list belongs to me. Mom gets the check, and its safely tucked away for now. don't get me wrong I don't think she'll be irresponsible with it, but I bought the things in my room with my money, and now i am slowly slowly replacing them with my own money. It just doesn't seem fair. I'm working on changing this. I wonder if I let me pride get in the way. From now on, if I need something for me or the boys that we used to have beforehand, she will be paying for it. Simple as that. Sneakers, fall clothes, winter coats, camping gear, cub scout uniforms, furniture, cosmetics. That goes for them and me. she wants to be this way, fine. she can just get used to handing me her credit card. Even to m,y ears that sounds childish, but a big part of me has just seriously stopped caring what anyone else thinks about anything. I love her for what she's done, but i'm done looking out for anyone but me and mine.

looking for joy

I need to start my life, myself over. I see now I need to re-evaluate my world and my place in it. Looking back, I can see I was unhappy but the status quo stopped me from questioning my environment. A dramatic event, good or bad, can give you clarity. That is what seems to be happening here. The smoke is starting to clear, and i find myself looking at buying a house, and almost done school, and find myself with a small degree of hope for the first time in many many months. So I make it my mission, at least for now, to look for joy in my life. Originally it was the rainbow at the beach. I'm not saying that I'm to be going through my life all Pollyana-ish or anything, just to make a point of looking for things that lift me up. Every once in a while something will get to me, like while I'm making a cake for my sons party next tomorrow. I am making a Transformers cake, and i needed a container to put it in when finished. We USED to have one that would have been perfect, but its gone now. I looked every where only to find nothing. Little things like that will sneak up on me and be waiting to bite me in the butt. I expect this to happen for quite some time to come. But life continues to move whether you're ready for it or not. I have decided to keep up. I lost my power somewhere along the way and this could be the beginning of the journey that helps me reclaim it. I'll keep you posted where I end up next. As soon as I figure it out myself, that is.

starting with me

Where am I now? Floundering in my life at this moment. I'm used to order and structure, and this has caused me to question everything that is and was in my life. My job is the pits and I think about quitting everyday, and my existence is in a a huge state of flux. I think when this section of my life rolls past me I will not know who I used to be. I find myself wanting to do things very out of character, like learn to ride a motorcycle, for the sole reason they scare the hell out of me. I've had it pounded into my head that they are death traps on wheels forever, and maybe that's not true. I was told many things, if you lead a good life and try to be a good person, good things will come to you. That God will protect you. That God is kind. I question that as well now. I find myself questioning everything I have ever known and believed to be true. nothing is solid for me anymore. I can't go to church because I'm SO pissed off at God that I can't even set foot in the place. I look for something solid to start from, and find only shifting sand beneath my feet. I have to believe there will come a time when I will find solid ground again, but know not when. I want my life back the way it was, but slowly, slowly I'm coming to terms with the fact that that is never going to happen. Even when we move back, it will never be the same. I need to get to know the new, and as time passes the new normal will not seem different anymore.

Oh happier notes, we've had progress at the house! We have new garage doors, and shutters, even if they are glaringly white right now. and were in the process of starting to discuss paint colors for the rooms. I'm going to post pictures later this week of the whitest garage doors in history.

Where am i?

Anytime something drastic has happened in my life, a breakup, a baby, moving, something drastic has to happen, usually involving my hair. As anyone who knows me for anything of time, knows my hair is a permanent work in progress. I know why I do this, it restores a sense of control to me that otherwise is misplaced. It allows me to feel in control of myself, even if that is the only thing I can control. Now, something like this happens, and all control has been lost. But the quandry I find myself in right now is that for once, I kind of like my hair and don't want to change it, and I recognize that it will not give me the feeling I crave. This is bigger than a small change to restore me. There's only one solution, I need a new tattoo. Check out the design on my profile and tell me what you think. I have two already and its time to add to the collection.

This represents where I'm trying to get to. It does get better and there is always hope. We saw this at the beach and I choose to take it as a reminder that I am not alone in this thing, and I never was.

This was my moms room, or whats left of it, because of the smoke damage, they had to strip the room to its walls and start over.

The picture below is the view from downstairs facing my and Gabe's rooms.

This picture below is facing the front door. It all looks so hollow now, its hard to accept we will live here again.

The stairs heading up to the second floor. The white stuff you will see on every durface is some stuff they spray on the wood to get rid of the heavy smoky smell. I hope it works.

This is the living room, where we watched TV. It looks so odd now, so empty now. I find it hard some times to remember what it was like living there, like it was a lifetime ago.

control

It all comes down to control, if you want to survey the issue in its entirety. I lost total control over every aspect of my life in one fell swoop, and it shook me to the core. I am always, and pride myself on being in control. I had things that were well and truly MINE, that I didn't have to share with anyone. I lost all of that. I no longer have anything that's just MINE. I am working on that now. I want to re-establish my life, start over. I could look at this as the worst thing that ever happened to me, or possibly the best. this was my warning shot. It could have been SO much worse than it was. I could have lost my kids, I could have lost my brother, the pets my mom, my life. This could be a disaster, or it could be just the wake up call I needed that I need to re-evaluate my place in this world. I'm looking at thing with new eyes now, like I hadn't seen it before. I'm thinking about writing again, taking cooking classes, maybe doing karate. It has started with my diet. I've regained control of my eating habits and am starting to undo the damage the last few months has done to my waist line. Its only my jumping off point. Check with me later tonight to see new pictures of the construction inside the house.

I want to say I'm moving forward. Maybe progress is not moving backwards. i feel a change coming, growing inside of me. This period of time, as I look back is going to be a defining moment of my life, one that changes everything I think I know and feel. I know there will come a time, when I look back on the time before the fire and wonder if what I was thinking. Why I didn't see it...whatever it is. I know I'm changing, and that makes me nervous, as change always does. I like the status quo and get a little bent out of shape if someone rocks the boat. And when its GOD who rocks the boat, well I get seriously pissed.

You must understand, God and I have had issues for a while now, since he took my dad from me, entirely too early by my opinion. I was, and still am to some degree pissed about that, but I like to think we were slowly working through it. I had at least resumed talking to him, although haltingly with a touch of resentment on my part. I was beginning to see that somethings you need to accept as the will of God and move on. Death in a part of life no matter how much we try to fight it. Death is sad but natural.

But this??? How exactly is THIS mess the will of God. I used to believe everything He did had a purpose, but now I have to wonder. What purpose could there possibly be to take away everything that ever gave me a sense of security? Perhaps, in a logical sense I am now to look for my sense of security within myself and not within the Things. I could see the logic in that. I still hate it though. I have to wonder why He felt this need to strip me bare, as it were, and leave me with only myself to lean on.

I can honestly say I have never felt as Alone as I did those first few weeks after the fire. I know now there is a place past that feeling. I'm just not quite there yet. But I feel maybe just maybe I'm on my way.

I aim to misbehave....

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!” ~ Dr. Seuss

"I'm so far away, each step that I take's on my way home"
-Bon Jovi

This sums up nicely where I am right now. I think sometimes I'm never going to get to the end of this nonsense that is my life right now. Logically of course, that's not true but I can't help but wonder when I will see the light at the end of the tunnel. I saw the inside of the house yesterday and it's so hard to tell if they are doing anything at all, except moving stuff around. There's still no walls upstairs, but at least the 6 foot hole in my floor had been repaired. I have to wonder if I will ever feel truly safe in there again or if I will close my eyes at night and wonder what if. I was consumed at first with thoughts of "What if this had happened in the middle of the night?" The smoke was so think and it burned so quickly I might not have been here to even write this, let alone my kids. and we wonder why sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, unable to fall back asleep. I know I shouldn't let thoughts like that infect my mind, but they seem to wander in of their own accord. That smell, the scent of fire and smoke will probably be in the house forever, one I know I will not forget.

If you remember the earlier post with the picture of the bathroom, this picture above and to the leftis that same room, emptied out and cleaned out, stripped down. The most overwhelming emotion with all of this is feeling so exposed. I am by nature a private person and having everyone know all of my business drove me crazy. I have adjusted to it, but so far it still is not a natural state for me at all. That's part of the reason for the post, to force me to take the time to ask myself where i am this particular day, to stop and take a mental check, to ask myself how I'm faring. So far, I'm still here. That is progress.

They had to strip off all of the siding because most of it was lost. The picture above all the way on the top and on the left was Pats room, just after work began, i think. With this sort of tear down, it can actually be really hard to tell which room is which.

This is just after the work began, some of the blackness is being cleaned up. The amount of work needed was overwhelming. I'm not one to hide from my life, but never in my life did I want to do that more. I just wanted it all to go away.

This gives a really good concept of our starting place, ground zero, as it were. Still to this day I sometimes find myself have a hard time accepting reality. All I can think here, is this isn't my house, someone else lives here. But I have to keep reminding myself we will get there. Patience has never been my strong suit but I'm gonna need buckets of it to do this. I've been through worse, we've been through worse. I can do this.

This is whats left of the ceiling in my room. The fire bunred for hours without anyone knowing it so it had tons of time to do tons of damage. The guilt that I first felt, since it started in my room, was overwhelming, did I do something to cause this, or could I have prevented this disaster? I know now or at least I'm trying to move past that. I've a Virgo so guilt and I know each other well. I still have not been able to truly get my head around the enormity of what has happened. I find myself wondering, sometimes if I will wake up tomorrow and this will be one hell of a bad dream. no such luck. This is my life and I hate it.

This is the view from the outside. This is the side my room and Gabe's room was on. Needless to say there's nothing left.

This was Patrick, my oldest son's room. The walls were a blue and white stipe with a sailboats border. He has anxiety issues and this has sent him into a tailspin. The therapist is helping a great deal. At first he wouldn't talk about it at all. I had to drive to their school and tell them there cause I didn't wannt them to come home and find....this.

This was the TV room. Enough said. The ceiling is gone in places, although you can't see it here.

This was the kids and my bathroom. It wasn't very big but it was clean and it was mine. They used it to store the toys that will be later thrown away. tunrs out plastic turns toxic when expesed to excessive amounts of smoke.

This was my youngest sons room. Don't let the pink wallpaper fool you, we were working on getting around to fixing that. It used to be the guest room before we moved in with my mom a few years ago. This was the first time he had ever had a room of his own, and he had slept here since he was 8 months old. It was the only room of his own he'd ever known, and now its gone.

This was my room. Off to the left was my closet and my bed. To the right is the wall to my sons room. As you can see the picture speaks for itself. This is where it started, in the insulation behind the wall in my room.

Introduction

This will serve as my online therapy for my life. In April 2009, my house burned and we lost everything. I'm trying to figure out how to recover from this. I worry about my kids, I worry about the details and let myself slide in the process. I want to make my peace with this so I can begin to put the peices back together but so far, thinking too hard or too long about what was and what could have been still brings tears. I should be graetful no one was hurt, I should be grateful no one was home. I should be thrilled we had insurance and will get our house back. I'm just pissed. In the few months since the fire, I have started having trouble sleeping and gained 15 pounds. AlL I want is my life back and that doesn't seem like its going to happen just yet. I want to go back to where I was 4 months ago. I deal with the insurance guys, the contractors, the landlord of our rental house because my mom doesn't seem up to it. When did I become the parent?