is it me, or is it Memorex?

How much of our reactions and emotions tied to things are really authentically us, and how much are reactions based on prior experiences? As I try to sort my head out, the challenges of being in a relationship rear their ugly head and I am forces to wonder what’s real and what’s a knee jerk reaction not based in reality? We’ve all experienced something like this, I think. You go out, meet someone interesting and funny, but he wears the same cologne as the first boy to ever break your heart. Within minutes the attraction dies. Did the initial reaction simply fade, or was the ingrained memory in your head simply too much for your psyche to move past? I find myself wrestling with these and similar questions as I move forward, asking myself at what point does the past truly become the past, a closed door we can walk away from? Or, does it ever really become the past? Do shadows of who we were and what we’ve experienced become a part of ourselves, never to be made separate? And if the latter is true, then how do these past experiences color the current path we have chosen, and how do we separate legitimate relations from reflexes? I haven’t found the answer to any of this yet, but sometimes, just in the process of putting a question out there you can find the truth was right in front of you all along.



To be honest this isn’t something I’ve really wrestled with before. With my marriage it was very superficial and we rarely talked about anything from before, as he felt it was too much information, and well, his background was mostly lies I found out later. With other people I’ve dated they simply never lasted long enough for it to ever be an issue. But now, as I question the path of my future, I find myself asking myself this and trying to look within myself and see if the experiences in my past color my reactions. Is it possible to separate the two objectively and say, oh that’s just from that time before, not from anything I’m seeing now? How does one find out if how you feel about a certain something is based on a gut instinct that needs to be heeded, or if it’s just residue? Do I want what I want because it’s what I truly want, or do I want it because it somehow falls into line with what my past experiences say I should have? Or, do I want something because it’s what people around me want, and I look to please those around me to the point their wants merge with my own?

I believe before you can find an answer of any kind, you must first clarify the question. I think the real question I’m asking here is how do you know your authentic self? What questions do you ask in order to be able to identify your true self, the one under all the noise and the nonsense? I haven’t figured that part out yet. All of us, as we travel through live pick up bits and pieces from those we have sustained contact with, and even of that person passes out of our life; we may carry a small part of the person with us. Is that authentically us? From that point forward, I think it can be.

Any insight, feel free to chime in! Thanks for listening!

going in a new direction

So the fire is behind us and I'm done school. I wondered for a while if maybe this blog had served its purpose and it was time to call it a night and move on. I wondered if I had anything left to say. And then my life took a left turn and I saw a the new direction I needed to go, and possibly the direction I've been waiting for. I am beginning to accept that there are things from when I'm young that I cannot remember. Its not the first time I've put things away in my mind because I'm simply not where I need to be to deal with it. My suspicions are not new to my reality. I've suspected for a while something lived there that I simply could not see. I tried not to ask many questions, as I figured if I didn't know maybe I was better off.

The church I grew up in is for sale. This piqued my curiosity and I found myself drawn to the old crumbling stone building. We attended this church until I was 12 or so. My kids asked my questions during the car ride there about my time there and I was surprised to realize how little I could remember. Out of all those years only a very small handful of memories exist. When I got there the doors were firmly locked but I was able to look in some windows and see some of the classrooms. Funny thing is, it was like looking at a place I'd never been. None of it was even a little familiar. Nothing I saw triggered any kind of memories as a child. I can't even put the pastors face in my head. Its like I never went there at all. I continued to wander around outside, looking in windows and looking at the faded facade and the only impression I got was a psychic wall that I could see past.

Much of me wants to leave this alone. Let sleeping dogs lie and all that. But as I go to sleep tonight I plan to ask to be shown what I may not be able to see. I just can't resist the desire to see what's missing. Knowledge is power. I don't like missing time. I don't like blank spots. Maybe nothing will come of it. And I'm ok with that possibility too. I'll let you know if I figure anything out. Feel free to let me know your thoughts on this.