going in a new direction

So the fire is behind us and I'm done school. I wondered for a while if maybe this blog had served its purpose and it was time to call it a night and move on. I wondered if I had anything left to say. And then my life took a left turn and I saw a the new direction I needed to go, and possibly the direction I've been waiting for. I am beginning to accept that there are things from when I'm young that I cannot remember. Its not the first time I've put things away in my mind because I'm simply not where I need to be to deal with it. My suspicions are not new to my reality. I've suspected for a while something lived there that I simply could not see. I tried not to ask many questions, as I figured if I didn't know maybe I was better off.

The church I grew up in is for sale. This piqued my curiosity and I found myself drawn to the old crumbling stone building. We attended this church until I was 12 or so. My kids asked my questions during the car ride there about my time there and I was surprised to realize how little I could remember. Out of all those years only a very small handful of memories exist. When I got there the doors were firmly locked but I was able to look in some windows and see some of the classrooms. Funny thing is, it was like looking at a place I'd never been. None of it was even a little familiar. Nothing I saw triggered any kind of memories as a child. I can't even put the pastors face in my head. Its like I never went there at all. I continued to wander around outside, looking in windows and looking at the faded facade and the only impression I got was a psychic wall that I could see past.

Much of me wants to leave this alone. Let sleeping dogs lie and all that. But as I go to sleep tonight I plan to ask to be shown what I may not be able to see. I just can't resist the desire to see what's missing. Knowledge is power. I don't like missing time. I don't like blank spots. Maybe nothing will come of it. And I'm ok with that possibility too. I'll let you know if I figure anything out. Feel free to let me know your thoughts on this.