too too long

I have been unable to post, as I don't know where to begin on how I really feel about all of this. I know the money issue is getting in the way of my truly moving past this, at least for now. For those of you I haven't vented to recently, the insurance company has issued us our check. When we first filed the claim, i had to provide a separate list as to the contents of my room, as nothing in there was identifiable. I think the money from the list belongs to me. Mom gets the check, and its safely tucked away for now. don't get me wrong I don't think she'll be irresponsible with it, but I bought the things in my room with my money, and now i am slowly slowly replacing them with my own money. It just doesn't seem fair. I'm working on changing this. I wonder if I let me pride get in the way. From now on, if I need something for me or the boys that we used to have beforehand, she will be paying for it. Simple as that. Sneakers, fall clothes, winter coats, camping gear, cub scout uniforms, furniture, cosmetics. That goes for them and me. she wants to be this way, fine. she can just get used to handing me her credit card. Even to m,y ears that sounds childish, but a big part of me has just seriously stopped caring what anyone else thinks about anything. I love her for what she's done, but i'm done looking out for anyone but me and mine.

looking for joy

I need to start my life, myself over. I see now I need to re-evaluate my world and my place in it. Looking back, I can see I was unhappy but the status quo stopped me from questioning my environment. A dramatic event, good or bad, can give you clarity. That is what seems to be happening here. The smoke is starting to clear, and i find myself looking at buying a house, and almost done school, and find myself with a small degree of hope for the first time in many many months. So I make it my mission, at least for now, to look for joy in my life. Originally it was the rainbow at the beach. I'm not saying that I'm to be going through my life all Pollyana-ish or anything, just to make a point of looking for things that lift me up. Every once in a while something will get to me, like while I'm making a cake for my sons party next tomorrow. I am making a Transformers cake, and i needed a container to put it in when finished. We USED to have one that would have been perfect, but its gone now. I looked every where only to find nothing. Little things like that will sneak up on me and be waiting to bite me in the butt. I expect this to happen for quite some time to come. But life continues to move whether you're ready for it or not. I have decided to keep up. I lost my power somewhere along the way and this could be the beginning of the journey that helps me reclaim it. I'll keep you posted where I end up next. As soon as I figure it out myself, that is.

starting with me

Where am I now? Floundering in my life at this moment. I'm used to order and structure, and this has caused me to question everything that is and was in my life. My job is the pits and I think about quitting everyday, and my existence is in a a huge state of flux. I think when this section of my life rolls past me I will not know who I used to be. I find myself wanting to do things very out of character, like learn to ride a motorcycle, for the sole reason they scare the hell out of me. I've had it pounded into my head that they are death traps on wheels forever, and maybe that's not true. I was told many things, if you lead a good life and try to be a good person, good things will come to you. That God will protect you. That God is kind. I question that as well now. I find myself questioning everything I have ever known and believed to be true. nothing is solid for me anymore. I can't go to church because I'm SO pissed off at God that I can't even set foot in the place. I look for something solid to start from, and find only shifting sand beneath my feet. I have to believe there will come a time when I will find solid ground again, but know not when. I want my life back the way it was, but slowly, slowly I'm coming to terms with the fact that that is never going to happen. Even when we move back, it will never be the same. I need to get to know the new, and as time passes the new normal will not seem different anymore.

Oh happier notes, we've had progress at the house! We have new garage doors, and shutters, even if they are glaringly white right now. and were in the process of starting to discuss paint colors for the rooms. I'm going to post pictures later this week of the whitest garage doors in history.

Where am i?

Anytime something drastic has happened in my life, a breakup, a baby, moving, something drastic has to happen, usually involving my hair. As anyone who knows me for anything of time, knows my hair is a permanent work in progress. I know why I do this, it restores a sense of control to me that otherwise is misplaced. It allows me to feel in control of myself, even if that is the only thing I can control. Now, something like this happens, and all control has been lost. But the quandry I find myself in right now is that for once, I kind of like my hair and don't want to change it, and I recognize that it will not give me the feeling I crave. This is bigger than a small change to restore me. There's only one solution, I need a new tattoo. Check out the design on my profile and tell me what you think. I have two already and its time to add to the collection.