dreams

What do you want? I mean what do you really want? This has been an overwhelming theme in my life, and in this blog. This shouldn't be a hard question to answer, and yet the answer is something I still struggle with, and the answer still eludes me. I don't know why it comes so close, only to slip out of my grasp again. I have an idea now. I want to matter, its as simple as that. I don't mean just in this house or to my kids, I mean on a much grander scale. I want to walk in a room and have heads turn. I want people to seek out my opinion because they know I'll have the answer. I don't think I like what wanting this says about me. It makes me seem self centered and vain and I'm not comfortable with that. Maybe part of the reason I struggle with the definition of what I want is because I fear I won't like the answer. Once again tonight, through my poor decision making skills, I have managed to let myself down. I don't like how this makes me feel when I look in the mirror. I don't know how to fix who I am inside to make myself someone I'm happy to have looking back at me. I don't always like who I am inside. I make bad choices sometimes because I'm trying to fill a void. What kind of person would make me proud to have looking back at me in the morning when I get up? I want to be someone who matters. So to begin that, do I matter to myself? It has to start with me, right? I believe what you put out into the universe you get back. I'm so busy being wrapped up in my own minutia that I haven't pit much out there. This goes beyond looking for external validation, I think. I need to matter to me. What kind of person would I be if I mattered to me? What characteristics would I have if I mattered to me? That's what I need to define. I'm still getting to that place. I'm still clarifying who I think I need to be in order to matter to me. That's a clear step I need to master for the next step in this journey.

unexpected blessings in a snowy winter storm

My faith in humanity has been restored. Its funny to me the reminders you can get in life that people are looking out for each other when you least expect it. As I’m sure many of you know we got slammed this past weekend with 8+ inches of snow. I decided yesterday I’d had about all the family togetherness I could handle and took the kids out to Chuck E Cheese to burn off some energy, and so I could sit and read my book for a while. The roads were plowed but slippery, though we got there without any problems. On the way home, however, cutting through an intersection, we slid on a slushy part of the road and proceeded to sink my car into a snow bank with the passenger front tire sitting about 2 feet off the ground. All my usuall tricks, rocking back and forth, anchoring something under the tires, shifting into low gear were not working. I just couldn’t get any traction on that tire to yank myself out. It’s front wheel drive car, so that wheel suspended in the snow was going to be a problem. We had winds of 40 MPH yesterday, but I got out with my ice scraper and tried to get some space under the tire with it, all the while be battered by the blowing wind and snow. Nope, we were well and thoroughly stuck. The kids were starting to get upset and I was thinking we might be screwed. About the time I was about to figure out who to call to get us out of this mess, along came two complete strangers, from two different cars to help me out. In this intense wind and cold with snow in their faces, they got out of their warm cars, just because I was stuck. Sure enough with one of them pushing the front of the car from each side, we were able to wiggle free and be on our way. I thought about it for a moment afterwards after I waved and said many thanks to them, that people are basically good people. People who didn’t know me at all, saw I was in a jam and offered to help, for no other reason than I needed it. As much as we bitch anymore about how people are becoming more and more self centered and self involved, it warmed my heart to see it wasn’t entirely true, at least not yet. People are willing to help, when they see a need. Now, I just need to find a way to pay it forward. Karma works, and I feel there is now a debt to be paid to the universe. To whoever you guys were, thanks for looking out for someone else, and God, thanks for sending me a couple of your helpers when I needed it most.

control vs influence

What do I influence, and what do I control? As a parent I ask myself this sometimes daily, wondering which I’m looking to accomplish when it comes to my house, my family and my children. Influence, a subtle art, is done more by modeling the behaviors I’d like to see them repeat as adults as they grow. Control comes in the form of bedtimes, teeth brushing and chores. What is control? What does it really mean to control someone? To control, you mean to push someone else wants and needs aside in favor of your own. Some cases, especially when it comes to kids, its needed. They do not want to go to bed at a decent hour or eat their veggies or do their homework. I control them so that these things get done. Knowing that I control and influence their lives has caused me to adjust some parts of my life to fit who I hope they will be someday. I think most parents do this. Beyond children how much influence and control do we really have over the people we choose to let into our lives? We all like to think that we can control our circumstances and to a degree we can by deciding who we do and do not allow into our lives, out inner circle if you will. We control that access, but adding and removing people as we see fit. In this way we control our own environments to suit the needs we have to fill within ourselves. It could be argued that in this manner we control these around us as well by determining whether or not they are allowed I within our boundaries, but their actions, their choices remain firmly in their control. I believe we all like to think we can control those closest to us in the form of pushing them to make the choices we feel will bring them the most joy in their lives, but in reality, that’s not the case at all. I think many of wish we could put a finger into the lives of the people we love the most, when we see the mistakes they are about to make and wish we could stop them from making. If we could do that, if we really had the ability to control others like that, would we keep those that we love from learning the lessons along they way they are meant to learn? I know I have learned more from my epic failures than I ever have the things I did correctly the first time. If we could control the lives of those around us, would we be doing them a disservice by indulging ourselves like that? I look at those closest to me, and their lives and choices. I hope to influence their lives if they choose to allow me to be part of the process, if they even need someone to influence their choices. I love these people and have chosen them to be within my barriers because they are strong people who know their own minds and are captains of their own ship, to speak. These people, as dear to me as family, are not pushovers and I admire that about each and every one of them. If they were doormats, I would lose some respect for them, I think. The people who can stand up for what they believe in, and do what it takes to find their own voice and their own happiness are the people I want closest to me when the chips are down. We all try to make the best choices in our lives and we all have missteps along the way. But we also correct those and learn from them. Isn’t that what were all here to do, to learn and to love each other? Well I know I still have a bunch of lessons to learn, but I hope I’ve got the love part down so far. I hope some of my better choices might influence people around me, but I hope I’m never able to control any of them. I respect all of them too much for that to happen.  And I hope if I ever try, they love me enough to not allow it to happen.