which way to go

When faced with a choice, how do you know which way to go? One of my biggest problems when making any choice, is I can always see too many options, too many choices. This is the place I find myself in now. I find myself standing at a crossroads, with a number of choices at my disposal. Due to some issues erupting in my personal life, I'm thinking about moving. I've planned to move out in feburary for a while now, but now, as my personal dissatisfaction grows with the mundane aspects of my life, I question if I were to move, where should I go. I see a crack in a door I always previously saw as being closed. Too many options wait on the other side. As my aggravation grows, I find me letting my mind wander to broader horizons, further shores. I ask myself again, as before, what do I want? I draw a blank at the place where there should be an answer. My biggest fear is I will get stuck in this morass of indecision and do nothing at all, remaining in the place I'm in now. That option leads only to a growing sense of dissatisfaction and resentment. How is it possible I can't answer the simple question, what do I want? And if I don't know, how do I go about finding out? How does one dig for answers in their own selves? What stands in my own way, that I can't see far enough into myself to know what I need to be happy? I am choosing to focus on what I do know for now, I know what I'm doing now isn't working. I know the potential for me to do nothing needs to be guarded against by small careful steps in the direction of my dreams. I just wish I knew what direction I'm supposed to be heading. I fantasize about a guarding angel coming down and pointing the way, but since I don't live in a romance novel, it isn't going to happen. I need to find my way through this, I know the journey is part of the process of getting to know myself. Happiness will come when I'm listening to that voice within me that guides me. I'll let you know when I figure something out.

so DAMN nice

An interesting thing, to wander through the recesses of my memory and look at the images in my mind of who I used to be once upon a time. Over the course of a long conversation with a great friend, we talked about who we were way back when, versus who we are now and who we have become. I found it interesting that although I never noticed the process, how much I have changed internally since then. Not all of it for the better. The first thought I had was “When did I become so fucking NICE?” Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with being a nice person, I become a person who is nice to fault and bends over sideways to meet the needs of other people without any mind for their own wants and needs. This is not who I was in college, for example. I earned and enjoyed the title of castrating bitch. I was sarcastic and I was a smart ass. When my boyfriend at the time spent time in line flirting with the girl in front of us. He knew I was unhappy about it loud and clear. When I had something to say, I said it. When a person I once was friends with sent me a snide and underhanded letter, I didn’t hide in my room and sniffle and fume about it. If I found myself in that same situation, id toss the letter aside, pretend like it didn’t matter and move on. At that time, I went up to her and called her on it, right then and there. And she and I fought about it until we’d resolved it. We yelled, called names and I acted like my opinion mattered. When the fuck did that change? If someone treated me badly, it wasn’t uncommon for me to let them know they were out of line. Usually loudly and with swearing. Although that girl who went to college was far from perfect and not ideal, I miss her. She knew who she was, and she defended herself. I don’t know what happened along the way that I started to think of everyone else before I gave myself a passing thought. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Even now, as I recognize this, the act of standing up for myself and calling people on mistreatment is not a comfortable one for me at all. But, I can do it. When did that part of me start to slip away and why didn’t I see it as it left? This is not to say of course I will stop being nice entirely. I have a kind and generous side that I’m proud of and would like to nourish. This side of me would do anything for someone who deserves it. That’s the key, for someone who deserves it. This side of me can co-exist with the side of me that’s not going to let it slide when people are hurtful, careless or unkind with their thought or actions. We teach people how to treat us, and I’ve been sending the wrong lessons into the world. I still know what I’m made of; I just want other people to see it too. But in order for them to see it, I have to show it to them first. People have treated me badly in the past because I have allowed it and not handed out any repercussions for their poor choices. This aspect of who I have become is going to stop. Once upon a time I called someone out for their inability to treat me the way I deserved, and it got me nowhere. I think it may have started there. I actually listened to that person who was disrespectful of my voice. That person was wrong and I knew that then too. I have let that experience, and some that followed it, color the way I allowed the world to treat me. I know I have value. Now just need to make sure the rest of the world is reminded of that too. I’m tired of being nice all the time and not allowing myself a say in my own life. You only get one time around in this life, and a day unhappy is too much to waste, once you see the things holding you back. See you on the next step of this journey!