Rage or something like it

I've stumbled across something. I'm trying to identify it. One really bad movie seems to have set something off inside me. I haven't sorted it out yet. I think back to some times in the past and I find myself getting wound up with something I couldn't identify churning inside of me. in time, I saw it for what it was. Rage. When I've been put in tough positions in the past, I ask myself what did I do? I cried. I squirmed. I told them no. And what exactly did that get me? Not a whole hell of a lot. Certainly didn't accomplish my intended goal. I didn't save myself. In this world, at the end of the day the only person you can count on is yourself. In the moment where I needed my own self the most, I let myself down. So I find myself with a healthy dose of undiluted rage. And I can't identify who its directed at. Partially at myself, for being weak and unable to defend myself. Partially at the world for teaching me to be "nice" and not defend myself and fight for myself. But there something more there I'm not seeing. I push against it, but I can't break through to see whatever it is. I find myself wanting to make someone hurt they way I once was. I want someone to feel what I did. This, I know, will not make me feel any better. It will not grant me any kind of peace or resolution in my soul. I want to lash out, with words and with actions. I ask myself why I want that. Its because I want to feel strong. I'm looking for my inner power. Rage, perhaps, comes from an inner frustration at my lack of ability to defend myself, or rather, the belief that I don't have the ability to defend myself. What does it mean that I associate power with being able to inflict pain? Is that association built on experiences from the past? Pain equals power. Within myself, I recognize that that's not healthy, and that's not the right answer. Its not the truth that resonates within myself. I am not that person, and that's where the conflict begins. Perhaps what I'm feeling is the conflict. I want something that isn't the right answer, and isn't the productive choice. If that's so, and its so contrary to my nature, why do I crave it? What does it say about me that a small part to me wants to be to someone else what another person once was to me? I want the power I seem to think I will feel over someone else. That's a lie, of course. Resorting to violence to lash out at a person who wrongs you only lowers yourself as a person. Frankly, I'm a better person than that. Even as I write this, I find myself reminding myself that I was raised to be better than a bully. Maybe I learned that lesson too well. I've said before I'm too nice. My place in the world now underlines this reaction because of my lack of control and power in my life. It fuels this rage-like sensation I'm struggling with. I'm even nervous to call it rage, for fear of what others may think. Why does outside opinion matter so much? Even as I write this I'm undecided as to whether or not I'll actually post it. Its too much. Its too honest. Why don't I make my own opinion a priority first? 'Others' (speaking generally) have not been a reliable source of support up till now. (Again, specific people, you know who you are, not included) People continue to let me down, yet their opinion counts more than my own. I don't get that. Rage is with me, happy to be recognized and called my name, I only need to determine its true source. Maybe there is more from when I was much younger that I'm only starting to tap into to. Maybe its time I see everything. I'm tired of hiding, most of all from myself. There may come a day where I'm really to be transparent, but that day is not here yet. Maybe now, I'm one small step closer. I will post this, chips fall where they may. I'm not going to pretend anymore.
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Boundaries

Interesting to me how one story from when my mother was younger can cause a shift in my perspective that in effect, creates such an adjustment that I see truths about myself that weren't as apparent as before. I have issues with boundaries. I don't know how to set them and I don't know healthy ways to respond when they are crossed. When I was younger boundaries weren't as issue. As a child in my house I wasn't supposed to have any. I was just to do as I'm was told. This behavior goes back generations in my family. The change is now I can see the same pattern in every inter-personal relationship I've ever had. There have been times I've tried to set boundaries, but I think even I knew subconsciously that I didn't really mean it and I wouldn't back it up. Little surprise when the other person opted not to respect them either. In trying to figure out why I seem to struggle with this, I have to ask myself to define a boundary. Is it simply not accepting certain behaviors or does it go further than that? I've always called myself a control freak. Looking at myself from this angle I'm not sure that's right. What do I control? Even now, living where I do, I do what I'm told to keep the peace. Its just easier. Duck and cover any unacceptable choices to maintain what authority has established as the status quo. There are no physical consequences to misdeeds, only endless strife and calls of judgment. So where does this come from? Is the inability to set boundaries innate or is it created? On one hand it could give fuel to suspicions I've had for a while now. That could also be me looking for something that's not there. On the other hand I could just be a very compliant person who prefers to be a peacemaker. If that is true, no matter how peaceful you try to be, there comes a time eventually where you must draw the line. Everyone has t stand their ground eventually. This was most obvious in my last job. No matter how badly the company treated me, I came back for more every day for almost three years. And I left not because I was standing my ground, but because there was no other choice. Even in personal relationships, I dislike a persons behavior but I say nothing, turning in fact to become a staunch defender of that persons rights to do the acts that bother me. What does this say about me? Am I really just as weak as I've always secretly feared I have been? What's the difference between weakness and docile? Even as I type that word, docile, my heart revolts against it. I'm not docile. At least, I don't want to be. I haven't learned any other way. How does a person go about learning something that can't come from a book? Even my kids are better at it than I am. That's the funny thing, I can set and stick to boundaries w them. Its a no-brainer as far as they're concerned. Children need boundaries and I'm the only one to give it to them. Why can I give them something I can't give myself? It could be said from that observation about my kids that I do know how to set boundaries, but choose not to when it comes to myself. Do I see my kids as having a greater inherent value than myself? Of course I do, I think they're pretty terrific. Why can't I see the person that created them and is raising them with equal value? Does it go back to not having my NO respected? Or not being given a voice as a child? Maybe those combined with an innate desire for acceptance. Maybe I think I'll find my place by trying to fit into every place I find, until one is comfortable. So far, that route hasn't worked out so well. I don't respect myself or what I want nearly enough. I need to figure out now what to do about it. Where does strength come from? Can it be learned? I'll let you know when I figure it out. Feel free to comment.
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