Rage or something like it

I've stumbled across something. I'm trying to identify it. One really bad movie seems to have set something off inside me. I haven't sorted it out yet. I think back to some times in the past and I find myself getting wound up with something I couldn't identify churning inside of me. in time, I saw it for what it was. Rage. When I've been put in tough positions in the past, I ask myself what did I do? I cried. I squirmed. I told them no. And what exactly did that get me? Not a whole hell of a lot. Certainly didn't accomplish my intended goal. I didn't save myself. In this world, at the end of the day the only person you can count on is yourself. In the moment where I needed my own self the most, I let myself down. So I find myself with a healthy dose of undiluted rage. And I can't identify who its directed at. Partially at myself, for being weak and unable to defend myself. Partially at the world for teaching me to be "nice" and not defend myself and fight for myself. But there something more there I'm not seeing. I push against it, but I can't break through to see whatever it is. I find myself wanting to make someone hurt they way I once was. I want someone to feel what I did. This, I know, will not make me feel any better. It will not grant me any kind of peace or resolution in my soul. I want to lash out, with words and with actions. I ask myself why I want that. Its because I want to feel strong. I'm looking for my inner power. Rage, perhaps, comes from an inner frustration at my lack of ability to defend myself, or rather, the belief that I don't have the ability to defend myself. What does it mean that I associate power with being able to inflict pain? Is that association built on experiences from the past? Pain equals power. Within myself, I recognize that that's not healthy, and that's not the right answer. Its not the truth that resonates within myself. I am not that person, and that's where the conflict begins. Perhaps what I'm feeling is the conflict. I want something that isn't the right answer, and isn't the productive choice. If that's so, and its so contrary to my nature, why do I crave it? What does it say about me that a small part to me wants to be to someone else what another person once was to me? I want the power I seem to think I will feel over someone else. That's a lie, of course. Resorting to violence to lash out at a person who wrongs you only lowers yourself as a person. Frankly, I'm a better person than that. Even as I write this, I find myself reminding myself that I was raised to be better than a bully. Maybe I learned that lesson too well. I've said before I'm too nice. My place in the world now underlines this reaction because of my lack of control and power in my life. It fuels this rage-like sensation I'm struggling with. I'm even nervous to call it rage, for fear of what others may think. Why does outside opinion matter so much? Even as I write this I'm undecided as to whether or not I'll actually post it. Its too much. Its too honest. Why don't I make my own opinion a priority first? 'Others' (speaking generally) have not been a reliable source of support up till now. (Again, specific people, you know who you are, not included) People continue to let me down, yet their opinion counts more than my own. I don't get that. Rage is with me, happy to be recognized and called my name, I only need to determine its true source. Maybe there is more from when I was much younger that I'm only starting to tap into to. Maybe its time I see everything. I'm tired of hiding, most of all from myself. There may come a day where I'm really to be transparent, but that day is not here yet. Maybe now, I'm one small step closer. I will post this, chips fall where they may. I'm not going to pretend anymore.
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