dreams

What do you want? I mean what do you really want? This has been an overwhelming theme in my life, and in this blog. This shouldn't be a hard question to answer, and yet the answer is something I still struggle with, and the answer still eludes me. I don't know why it comes so close, only to slip out of my grasp again. I have an idea now. I want to matter, its as simple as that. I don't mean just in this house or to my kids, I mean on a much grander scale. I want to walk in a room and have heads turn. I want people to seek out my opinion because they know I'll have the answer. I don't think I like what wanting this says about me. It makes me seem self centered and vain and I'm not comfortable with that. Maybe part of the reason I struggle with the definition of what I want is because I fear I won't like the answer. Once again tonight, through my poor decision making skills, I have managed to let myself down. I don't like how this makes me feel when I look in the mirror. I don't know how to fix who I am inside to make myself someone I'm happy to have looking back at me. I don't always like who I am inside. I make bad choices sometimes because I'm trying to fill a void. What kind of person would make me proud to have looking back at me in the morning when I get up? I want to be someone who matters. So to begin that, do I matter to myself? It has to start with me, right? I believe what you put out into the universe you get back. I'm so busy being wrapped up in my own minutia that I haven't pit much out there. This goes beyond looking for external validation, I think. I need to matter to me. What kind of person would I be if I mattered to me? What characteristics would I have if I mattered to me? That's what I need to define. I'm still getting to that place. I'm still clarifying who I think I need to be in order to matter to me. That's a clear step I need to master for the next step in this journey.

unexpected blessings in a snowy winter storm

My faith in humanity has been restored. Its funny to me the reminders you can get in life that people are looking out for each other when you least expect it. As I’m sure many of you know we got slammed this past weekend with 8+ inches of snow. I decided yesterday I’d had about all the family togetherness I could handle and took the kids out to Chuck E Cheese to burn off some energy, and so I could sit and read my book for a while. The roads were plowed but slippery, though we got there without any problems. On the way home, however, cutting through an intersection, we slid on a slushy part of the road and proceeded to sink my car into a snow bank with the passenger front tire sitting about 2 feet off the ground. All my usuall tricks, rocking back and forth, anchoring something under the tires, shifting into low gear were not working. I just couldn’t get any traction on that tire to yank myself out. It’s front wheel drive car, so that wheel suspended in the snow was going to be a problem. We had winds of 40 MPH yesterday, but I got out with my ice scraper and tried to get some space under the tire with it, all the while be battered by the blowing wind and snow. Nope, we were well and thoroughly stuck. The kids were starting to get upset and I was thinking we might be screwed. About the time I was about to figure out who to call to get us out of this mess, along came two complete strangers, from two different cars to help me out. In this intense wind and cold with snow in their faces, they got out of their warm cars, just because I was stuck. Sure enough with one of them pushing the front of the car from each side, we were able to wiggle free and be on our way. I thought about it for a moment afterwards after I waved and said many thanks to them, that people are basically good people. People who didn’t know me at all, saw I was in a jam and offered to help, for no other reason than I needed it. As much as we bitch anymore about how people are becoming more and more self centered and self involved, it warmed my heart to see it wasn’t entirely true, at least not yet. People are willing to help, when they see a need. Now, I just need to find a way to pay it forward. Karma works, and I feel there is now a debt to be paid to the universe. To whoever you guys were, thanks for looking out for someone else, and God, thanks for sending me a couple of your helpers when I needed it most.

control vs influence

What do I influence, and what do I control? As a parent I ask myself this sometimes daily, wondering which I’m looking to accomplish when it comes to my house, my family and my children. Influence, a subtle art, is done more by modeling the behaviors I’d like to see them repeat as adults as they grow. Control comes in the form of bedtimes, teeth brushing and chores. What is control? What does it really mean to control someone? To control, you mean to push someone else wants and needs aside in favor of your own. Some cases, especially when it comes to kids, its needed. They do not want to go to bed at a decent hour or eat their veggies or do their homework. I control them so that these things get done. Knowing that I control and influence their lives has caused me to adjust some parts of my life to fit who I hope they will be someday. I think most parents do this. Beyond children how much influence and control do we really have over the people we choose to let into our lives? We all like to think that we can control our circumstances and to a degree we can by deciding who we do and do not allow into our lives, out inner circle if you will. We control that access, but adding and removing people as we see fit. In this way we control our own environments to suit the needs we have to fill within ourselves. It could be argued that in this manner we control these around us as well by determining whether or not they are allowed I within our boundaries, but their actions, their choices remain firmly in their control. I believe we all like to think we can control those closest to us in the form of pushing them to make the choices we feel will bring them the most joy in their lives, but in reality, that’s not the case at all. I think many of wish we could put a finger into the lives of the people we love the most, when we see the mistakes they are about to make and wish we could stop them from making. If we could do that, if we really had the ability to control others like that, would we keep those that we love from learning the lessons along they way they are meant to learn? I know I have learned more from my epic failures than I ever have the things I did correctly the first time. If we could control the lives of those around us, would we be doing them a disservice by indulging ourselves like that? I look at those closest to me, and their lives and choices. I hope to influence their lives if they choose to allow me to be part of the process, if they even need someone to influence their choices. I love these people and have chosen them to be within my barriers because they are strong people who know their own minds and are captains of their own ship, to speak. These people, as dear to me as family, are not pushovers and I admire that about each and every one of them. If they were doormats, I would lose some respect for them, I think. The people who can stand up for what they believe in, and do what it takes to find their own voice and their own happiness are the people I want closest to me when the chips are down. We all try to make the best choices in our lives and we all have missteps along the way. But we also correct those and learn from them. Isn’t that what were all here to do, to learn and to love each other? Well I know I still have a bunch of lessons to learn, but I hope I’ve got the love part down so far. I hope some of my better choices might influence people around me, but I hope I’m never able to control any of them. I respect all of them too much for that to happen.  And I hope if I ever try, they love me enough to not allow it to happen.

which way to go

When faced with a choice, how do you know which way to go? One of my biggest problems when making any choice, is I can always see too many options, too many choices. This is the place I find myself in now. I find myself standing at a crossroads, with a number of choices at my disposal. Due to some issues erupting in my personal life, I'm thinking about moving. I've planned to move out in feburary for a while now, but now, as my personal dissatisfaction grows with the mundane aspects of my life, I question if I were to move, where should I go. I see a crack in a door I always previously saw as being closed. Too many options wait on the other side. As my aggravation grows, I find me letting my mind wander to broader horizons, further shores. I ask myself again, as before, what do I want? I draw a blank at the place where there should be an answer. My biggest fear is I will get stuck in this morass of indecision and do nothing at all, remaining in the place I'm in now. That option leads only to a growing sense of dissatisfaction and resentment. How is it possible I can't answer the simple question, what do I want? And if I don't know, how do I go about finding out? How does one dig for answers in their own selves? What stands in my own way, that I can't see far enough into myself to know what I need to be happy? I am choosing to focus on what I do know for now, I know what I'm doing now isn't working. I know the potential for me to do nothing needs to be guarded against by small careful steps in the direction of my dreams. I just wish I knew what direction I'm supposed to be heading. I fantasize about a guarding angel coming down and pointing the way, but since I don't live in a romance novel, it isn't going to happen. I need to find my way through this, I know the journey is part of the process of getting to know myself. Happiness will come when I'm listening to that voice within me that guides me. I'll let you know when I figure something out.

so DAMN nice

An interesting thing, to wander through the recesses of my memory and look at the images in my mind of who I used to be once upon a time. Over the course of a long conversation with a great friend, we talked about who we were way back when, versus who we are now and who we have become. I found it interesting that although I never noticed the process, how much I have changed internally since then. Not all of it for the better. The first thought I had was “When did I become so fucking NICE?” Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with being a nice person, I become a person who is nice to fault and bends over sideways to meet the needs of other people without any mind for their own wants and needs. This is not who I was in college, for example. I earned and enjoyed the title of castrating bitch. I was sarcastic and I was a smart ass. When my boyfriend at the time spent time in line flirting with the girl in front of us. He knew I was unhappy about it loud and clear. When I had something to say, I said it. When a person I once was friends with sent me a snide and underhanded letter, I didn’t hide in my room and sniffle and fume about it. If I found myself in that same situation, id toss the letter aside, pretend like it didn’t matter and move on. At that time, I went up to her and called her on it, right then and there. And she and I fought about it until we’d resolved it. We yelled, called names and I acted like my opinion mattered. When the fuck did that change? If someone treated me badly, it wasn’t uncommon for me to let them know they were out of line. Usually loudly and with swearing. Although that girl who went to college was far from perfect and not ideal, I miss her. She knew who she was, and she defended herself. I don’t know what happened along the way that I started to think of everyone else before I gave myself a passing thought. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Even now, as I recognize this, the act of standing up for myself and calling people on mistreatment is not a comfortable one for me at all. But, I can do it. When did that part of me start to slip away and why didn’t I see it as it left? This is not to say of course I will stop being nice entirely. I have a kind and generous side that I’m proud of and would like to nourish. This side of me would do anything for someone who deserves it. That’s the key, for someone who deserves it. This side of me can co-exist with the side of me that’s not going to let it slide when people are hurtful, careless or unkind with their thought or actions. We teach people how to treat us, and I’ve been sending the wrong lessons into the world. I still know what I’m made of; I just want other people to see it too. But in order for them to see it, I have to show it to them first. People have treated me badly in the past because I have allowed it and not handed out any repercussions for their poor choices. This aspect of who I have become is going to stop. Once upon a time I called someone out for their inability to treat me the way I deserved, and it got me nowhere. I think it may have started there. I actually listened to that person who was disrespectful of my voice. That person was wrong and I knew that then too. I have let that experience, and some that followed it, color the way I allowed the world to treat me. I know I have value. Now just need to make sure the rest of the world is reminded of that too. I’m tired of being nice all the time and not allowing myself a say in my own life. You only get one time around in this life, and a day unhappy is too much to waste, once you see the things holding you back. See you on the next step of this journey!

is it me, or is it Memorex?

How much of our reactions and emotions tied to things are really authentically us, and how much are reactions based on prior experiences? As I try to sort my head out, the challenges of being in a relationship rear their ugly head and I am forces to wonder what’s real and what’s a knee jerk reaction not based in reality? We’ve all experienced something like this, I think. You go out, meet someone interesting and funny, but he wears the same cologne as the first boy to ever break your heart. Within minutes the attraction dies. Did the initial reaction simply fade, or was the ingrained memory in your head simply too much for your psyche to move past? I find myself wrestling with these and similar questions as I move forward, asking myself at what point does the past truly become the past, a closed door we can walk away from? Or, does it ever really become the past? Do shadows of who we were and what we’ve experienced become a part of ourselves, never to be made separate? And if the latter is true, then how do these past experiences color the current path we have chosen, and how do we separate legitimate relations from reflexes? I haven’t found the answer to any of this yet, but sometimes, just in the process of putting a question out there you can find the truth was right in front of you all along.



To be honest this isn’t something I’ve really wrestled with before. With my marriage it was very superficial and we rarely talked about anything from before, as he felt it was too much information, and well, his background was mostly lies I found out later. With other people I’ve dated they simply never lasted long enough for it to ever be an issue. But now, as I question the path of my future, I find myself asking myself this and trying to look within myself and see if the experiences in my past color my reactions. Is it possible to separate the two objectively and say, oh that’s just from that time before, not from anything I’m seeing now? How does one find out if how you feel about a certain something is based on a gut instinct that needs to be heeded, or if it’s just residue? Do I want what I want because it’s what I truly want, or do I want it because it somehow falls into line with what my past experiences say I should have? Or, do I want something because it’s what people around me want, and I look to please those around me to the point their wants merge with my own?

I believe before you can find an answer of any kind, you must first clarify the question. I think the real question I’m asking here is how do you know your authentic self? What questions do you ask in order to be able to identify your true self, the one under all the noise and the nonsense? I haven’t figured that part out yet. All of us, as we travel through live pick up bits and pieces from those we have sustained contact with, and even of that person passes out of our life; we may carry a small part of the person with us. Is that authentically us? From that point forward, I think it can be.

Any insight, feel free to chime in! Thanks for listening!

going in a new direction

So the fire is behind us and I'm done school. I wondered for a while if maybe this blog had served its purpose and it was time to call it a night and move on. I wondered if I had anything left to say. And then my life took a left turn and I saw a the new direction I needed to go, and possibly the direction I've been waiting for. I am beginning to accept that there are things from when I'm young that I cannot remember. Its not the first time I've put things away in my mind because I'm simply not where I need to be to deal with it. My suspicions are not new to my reality. I've suspected for a while something lived there that I simply could not see. I tried not to ask many questions, as I figured if I didn't know maybe I was better off.

The church I grew up in is for sale. This piqued my curiosity and I found myself drawn to the old crumbling stone building. We attended this church until I was 12 or so. My kids asked my questions during the car ride there about my time there and I was surprised to realize how little I could remember. Out of all those years only a very small handful of memories exist. When I got there the doors were firmly locked but I was able to look in some windows and see some of the classrooms. Funny thing is, it was like looking at a place I'd never been. None of it was even a little familiar. Nothing I saw triggered any kind of memories as a child. I can't even put the pastors face in my head. Its like I never went there at all. I continued to wander around outside, looking in windows and looking at the faded facade and the only impression I got was a psychic wall that I could see past.

Much of me wants to leave this alone. Let sleeping dogs lie and all that. But as I go to sleep tonight I plan to ask to be shown what I may not be able to see. I just can't resist the desire to see what's missing. Knowledge is power. I don't like missing time. I don't like blank spots. Maybe nothing will come of it. And I'm ok with that possibility too. I'll let you know if I figure anything out. Feel free to let me know your thoughts on this.

perspective

I got a chance today that you don’t get with every person you break up with and I had to share. As many of you know I have been seeing someone now for a few weeks and things are going well. Out of the blue my ex boyfriend contacts me, to let me know about something he saw on the computer. We get to talking a little and I was joking around that after our last communication I was surprised he hadn’t burned my number in effigy. The last time we talked at all was this summer when he sent me a text message, livid that I was dating, even though we hadn’t spoken in a long time. Needless to say, the conversation was vicious on both ends and we let it fly. You know how when you’re with someone you don’t say certain things, cause you know it’s gonna start trouble, well we were there. I enjoyed every second of it. When I mentioned this last conversation, his response was “Oh I didn’t actually mean any of that, you know I was just kidding.” Kidding? Sure didn’t sound like it at the time. I know to this day I meant everything I said to him. Thinking about this made me look back over the entire relationship, and funny that pattern was there the whole time and I never saw it. The whole time we were together we’d fight stop talking, he’d come back be nice and wed get back together for a few weeks. I don’t know which is more disturbing, that he actually thinks he didn’t mean any of those hateful things he said to me, or that he thinks I’ll actually buy his stupid song and dance again. It’s refreshing to actually see something, or someone for what it actually is, without the blinders on. I have to ask myself why I couldn’t see it at the time. Possibly because I didn’t want to see it? Was I so busy trying to convince myself that he was a good person that I chose to ignore the facts that proved otherwise? Looking back, I can see this same pattern with my ex as well. I didn’t want to see the things that might make me break up with him. I think I can finally identify the flaws that aren’t compatible with me, and call them what they are. This feels good, very freeing. One more notch in my journey.

runnig to or from?

I’m leaning towards making positive changes in my life, there’s been far too much negative for far too long. Only one person is in control of this life, and it’s me. I started running. I can run / walk for a mile in the morning. Ok, lets be honest I’m walking more than I’m running at this point, and it takes me almost a full half hour to get all the way through it, but seriously, I feel halfway decent when I’m done. I find myself looking for other ways to feel good about myself. I haven’t liked what I’ve seen changing in the mirror for a while now and I want to change that self perception. I haven’t had a cigarette in five days and that’s huge for me. Patrick still doesn’t believe I’ve quit for good, and really who can blame him? I’ve tried a mess of times before only to fall short every time. I want to believe this time is different. I heard an interesting story today. When Cortex landed in Vera Cruz in 1821, the first thing he did was burn the boats. He knew he was where he belonged and didn’t desire to anywhere else. That’s where I hope I am right now. I want this one to stick, even if I do miss the habit. This could be the start of something bigger for me. I’ve always heard that one change can make a huge difference in the view you have on the rest of your life and now I’m starting to wonder if maybe that isn’t true. Maybe changing just one thing can alter your perspective on everything else in your life.

control

There are things I can control, and there are things I cannot. The sooner I accept that truth the happier I will be. I cannot force my preferred outcome in every situation no matter how much I'd like to. I can control my reaction to each situation as it arises. I seek validation from outside sources. I cannot control if I will ever get this. I can control how much it matters to me. I cannot control how others will behave, what they will say or the choices they make. I cannot allow myself to continually get upset by people not filling my emotional needs, when I haven't filled them for myself. My mother does not give me the support I need. So? I don't give myself the support I need either. Maybe I shouldn't look to things I cannot control for the validation I seek. What do I really want, really need to be happy? Its not a house, car ect. I need to believe I am good enough and worthy of good things coming to me. I look for other people and situations I cannot control to give me this. That never works. I need to give it to myself. Fine, here goes:

Tiffany, you are fine just they way you are. You try very hard to be everything to everyone. You put your whole heart into your family and those you care about. You live with passion for your kids. I notice your efforts and appreciate them. I acknowledge and notice how hard you work and how much of yourself you give to others. I choose to notice your good deeds and forgive the mistakes. You are not perfect and mistakes are to be expected. I will not give up on you. As long as your actions are guided by love you are making the best choices. I will be patient with you and find something you've done right everyday and notice it. Other peoples words and choices do not affect your value. You are valuable and worthy. Anyone who tries to make you see otherwise does not belong with you. Other peoples opinions are not necessarily your own. You, and what you do matters. Never forget that.

what am i doing wrong?

It seems to me anymore, the harder I try the deeper the rut I'm in gets. I get laid off only to find the worst job I've ever had that I am now stuck in because I cannot afford the time off to interview elsewhere. I got a Masters at the height of a depression when there are no jobs to be had. I try to find someone to share my life only to be reminded through one blind date after another why I am single. I always believed if you want something badly enough drive and effort will get you there. Anymore drive and effort cause me to lose ground. I try and work with my kids dad only to have him choose his girlfriends kids over them time and time again. My kids cry about their dad and he couldn't care less. I'd be amazed if he even remembers Patricks birthday this weekend. I'm so frustrated at this point I play with the idea of cashing in my IRA and moving away and starting over somewhere else. But I can't take that way out either because its a bad idea for the kids. I have to do what's best for them. So I end up feeling stuck. I have gotten a little lost and don't know how to find my way out. I see people around me slowly but surely getting somewhere and I can only ask myself what I'm doing wrong. Surely they have something or do something that I am not. What do they know that I don't? What mistake am I making that I can't see? Why can't I get it right? I try and try but all I do is tread water. I know I should be grateful for what do have but I can't always see it. I have to wonder what I'm doing that's not working. I wish I understood the purpose of this. .

fruedian slip

So an interesting night at therapy with my oldest son. The main reason he sees a therapist is because of his ongoing issues with his dad. We were talking to his therapist about how he feels about his dad taking care of his girlfriends kids. When he started talking about it, he referred to her kids as Daddys new kids. He didn't even realize hed said it, and I looked at his therapist to see if she'd caught it too. She had. He has started to see his girlfriends kids as Daddys kids and he resents the hell out of him for taking care of them and ignoring them. I hadn't realized until tonight how deep his feelings went about it. He has a dad that has chosen someone else's kids over him. I knew it bothered him, of course but I didn't see before how deeply this had affected him. He called them Daddys Newer kids. This is the same guy who hasn't seen his kids in over two months. But he sees them every day. He seems to have forgotten they are not even his kids. Might as well be his kids. And once again I have to clean up daddys mess. It was the first time I'd heard Pat say something like that out loud. It would seem that boy has a lot bubbling just under the surface that he doesn't want to show. But getting it out was really good to hear him admit it. I can't help but wonder at what point he stopped seeing them as Her kids and started seeing them as Daddys kids. Gotta admit, it pisses me off too. I can't help but have evil thoughts towards my ex when he does stuff like this. Stuff exactly like his dad did to him. The irony's not lost on me there. But at least we found a crack in Pats shell and maybe we can widen that just a little next time. I can hope anyway.

letting go - PART 2

“How did it get to be so late so soon?


It is only 10:30, yet its way past noon.

How did it get to be so late so soon?

Here its September, but its only June…”

-Dr. Seuss

So, when it comes to letting go, there’s another side to this I hadn’t considered. Let me tell you where my head is. When I was a kid, like most of us, I had an idea of what my life would be like when I was grown. Kids, working, married to the same guy for the whole time, working together to slowly but surely build a life we could be proud if. Of course there would be fights, but we’d find our way through them. Even after college, I really thought that’s what the world had in store for me, and its what I really wanted. Even now, I still hold out for that dream of what I think I should have had. My actions today are all attempts to have the life I think I should have had in the first place. I save to buy a house, I try to find a job better than what I have, try to find someone to fill the void created when my kids dad left their lives.

When I got married, I really thought the dream I had was mine now, I held the first step of what I wanted, and I could see our lives mapped out together. As you all know, this didn’t happen. The whole thing exploded in a fiery crash and I left with a smile on my face and never looked back. Through this process, I found my voice, found my strength and found my own way. I didn’t see it then, but I still wanted what I had before, or what I thought I had before.

Obviously, no matter what I thought, God knew my ideal was not to be my fate in life. I was destined for something else. Of course, He never bothered to tell me that, but we wont go there for now. I see people around me who have what I thought I should have, or are on the verge of having what I’m about to have, and the envy is hard to deny. I want what they have. I want the partner and the house and the children being raised in a loving and united family.

Here’s my point, what if, maybe I’m trying to get something I wasn’t ever supposed to have. What if what I have decided is my goal, is truly the unattainable goal, because that’s not where I’m supposed to be. God may indeed have something else in mind. Hell, I think hes made it pretty obvious he wanted something different for my life. I have to step back and ask myself WHY I want these things. Do I want them because it’s the life I really want, or do I want them because it’s what I was raised to believe that’s what I’m supposed to want? Could it be both? And if I choose to let go of this, and accept that my path might lie elsewhere, what am I supposed to be working towards? I think the human mind works at its most capable when we have a goal, something concrete to work towards. If I let go of the house/family unit dream, what else is there? Maybe the dream I have held onto all this time is so hard to accomplish because I’m not supposed to get there. If not there, then where should I be going? Maybe its time to let go of that, and see what else is waiting on the wings for me. But having no concrete destination in mind makes me very nervous, like a plane with no radar. It all comes back to what I have said before, who am I supposed to be? I do not think I’m complete as I am now. More lays in store for me. Maybe this is a matter of letting go of not so much my dreams, but letting go of my own drive and will, and allowing God to lead me where he wants me to go. I’m not really sure I get what that means just yet though. I know it doesn’t mean to stop trying. I’m just not sure what I’m supposed to be trying to do. I know I’m on the right path when it comes to the kids, simply because the life I have with them feels right. That kind of instinct can’t be faked or ignored. When it’s just the three of us with outside distractions like work and school and cleaning interfering, being with them feels like where I should be. But there’s life beyond that, I think. At least I hope there is.

I guess at this point, I have to wait and see. Great, more patience. Never a strong suit for me. Patience, and surrendering control to a higher power, accepting that some things are just out of my hands. This goes against the fiber of my being, but I think I need to see where this takes us. (Except for the whole better job thing, that’s I cant let go of. If I don’t get out of this place soon, I’m gonna be on the news I swear.)

letting go

What does it really mean to let go of something? I mean we can all say I’m ready to let go of that and move on…what are we really saying were going to do? Are the bad feelings associated with that person going to linger but your making a choice to look past them, or are you supposed to truly stop feeling the negativity towards that person? And how should you really let go of something like that when the person in question won’t stop pissing you off? In case you haven’t figured it out by now, this is a conversation about my ex husband. Simply put, no one can piss me off quite like he can and he manages to on a fairly regular basis. When he bails on his kids, or makes half assed attempts to be involved, yet dedicates his life to his NEW son and HER kids, well it sticks in my craw some. Or a lot. My boys, who are sweet and wonderful and perfect as far as I’m concerned, get pushed aside in favour of someone else, it makes me nuts. But I’m in this cycle in my life recently where I’m starting to clean house of some of the negativity in my life, as I am tired of it weighing me down. I want to stop hating him, but I don’t know how. Every time he turns away from the children we made, it peels away the scab and opens the wound again. I long to lay into him, unload what he’s done to them, but I don’t know if that would be productive at all. The real irony of this whole situation is his actions towards his two children are exactly what his father did to him. His dad got remarried to a woman who had a son, and his father cared for that child, but turned his back on him. You would think he would want to prevent this from happening to the next generation. Just for the record, pointing this out to him, which I have done previously, gets me nowhere. Like talking to a brick wall. I’m starting to see what we put out into the world, for the moist part, is what we have returned to us. If you sent love out, you get love back. Again, this is not a universal truth as far as I’m concerned, as it doesn’t take into account plain old luck and chance. Some things happen just because, not because of something you may have done once.


So how do you let go of something that continues to grate on your last nerve? I would like to remove myself from the argument entirely, pack up, move away and drop all contact with him all together. But the only people damaged there are the boys. I don’t want to give them the opportunity to hate me later because I made it impossible to see their dad. So far, the turn the other cheek approach is what I’ve been doing, but it only works for so long. I want to scream at him until he hurts the way they do. You know how it is, nothing makes a parent crazier than someone messing with their kids, even if that someone is their dad. So how do I stop hating someone who seems intent on reminding me over and over why I hate him? There aren’t my own personal feelings involved, I stopped caring a long time ago what became of him. But he’s hurting my kids. He’s made them cry, and that is something I just cannot abide.

So I am promising myself I am going to continue to be the bigger person, and be the one who is the adult. The resentment builds some, as he felt no responsibility towards these kids, and was able to walk away from them, without a second thought, and start over with someone else. I take comfort in knowing, the boys have me. I am their stability and their comfort. You don’t need to stable parent to turn out ok, as long as they have one, that’s what really matters. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

stuck

So here's where I get stuck. I believe the life I lead now is simply not good enough for me, and I deserve more. I don't mean that in a materialistic way, like I need to be able to buy more things, but in a spiritual sense. What always sticks me is the How of it all. So I know I want so much more in my life. I want control I want to dominate my own life. But how to get I get from the inertia I currently live in to the place I want to live in? In life I have found the best way to get from point A to B is the break the process into small doable steps. In this instance I can't see the first step. Of course the logical place to begin is getting a better job. That step has proven more difficult than I had expected. I look and search and get no where. I look only to get 1000 no thank yous. So I get frustrated and stop looking for a bit. I think this job is the first step in where I want to go, but so much stands in my way. I believe certain things only happen in life if they are supposed to. I ask myself if maybe this isn't happening because this isn't the first step I'm supposed to take. If its not, then what is? I don't know where to atep so I go nowhere leading only to greater frustration so I ponder some more and hope the answer presents itself to me. I can hope anyway. Any suggestions?

losing the shroud

So for those who know me and know where I’m from, you know I’ve had some bumps in my past, some of which were larger than others. There have been periods in my life that at the time I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through at the time. I’m going to skip the gory details at this point, but suffice to say, I carry some battle scars from my journeys so far. Some of those scras are deeper than others. I’ve been pondering these recently, wondering how they defined my life up until this point.


Here’s a what if: What if the first time you met someone knew, you pulled up your pants leg and showed then the scar on your knee from when you feel off your bike as kid and proceeded to tell them the entire long drawn out story of the pain you endured from that injury? That person would identify you in their minds with that injury from then on. Most likely, they would think of that first next time they saw you. Needless to say, most of us wouldn’t do something like that because we don’t want people to identify us with that sort of image

Is it possible I’ve been doing the same sort of thing this far and I just didn’t see it? I allowed my scars and my pain to define who I was. I was a survivor of this, or a victim of that and I allowed my own mind to color my definition of myself in light of these experiences. I was such and such a way, because if this experience, or I’m allowed to react a certain way because of this thing I’ve been through. I allowed my scars to be the first thing people saw, even if they didn’t always know the story behind them. These marks, these wounds became something I would associate with newer experiences as I went through life. This situation reminds me of this thing from long ago, so I should avoid it. I’m not saying we shouldn’t use our experiences as a warning against future situations that may have similar risks, but we as a whole need to balance that with the courage to continue living.

As I went through life, up until recently, I allowed these scars to define me. I have grown weary of living under the shroud of what has been. The person I am supposed to be lives just under that blanket. Some demons from long ago stayed with me, whispering in my ear, “you deserve this, you deserved that, because choices you made long Ago.” I chose to listen. I chose to agree, at least on a subconscious level. I told myself I was no good at judging people, I told myself I shouldn’t talk to people who remind me of certain things, I told myself I need to be careful careful careful all the time. Again, some careful choices are needed in life, but not to the point that it controls what you do. I have to wonder how long it has been since I have seen myself without the shroud. This is not to belittle or minimize what I’ve experienced in life. Some of the things I’ve been through have had a massive impact on my life and the choices I’ve made. But because of them, I know better now what’s I’m really made of. I can choose to live under shroud, wrapping myself in my pain and damage, or, I can choose to remove the cover and look at others they way they really are. These bad things didn’t happen because I made bad choices, these bad things happened because some people are assholes and there’s nothing I can do to control that.

I cannot judge myself for someone else’s choices. I didn’t pick to experience these things, but I can decide its time to put it away and move on. I can decide that I don’t want to live like that anymore and I don’t want to identify myself with this shell that I have built around myself. I think you miss too much like that. I will not forget where I have been, because that’s not the point, but I will push the demon aside and tell him to get gone. He’s wrong and so was I for listening in the first place. What I’ve experienced is not who I am, not my identity. Who I am is someone who is funny, smart, strong and kind, in spite of these other people who tried to break what I was. They only broke me if I let them continue to control who and what I am.

I see things as they are now, and I love how bright the colors are.

doing fine, or too tired for a midlife crisis

An interesting observation was made while watching TV last night. I was watching Losing It and Jillian was trying to get someone to see that their current path was not a healthy lifestyle for them, and what she said was “This life, what you have now, you’re better than this. You’re too good for this.” I heard her say that, and it resonated with me. What if the changes in my life I seek are only a matter of attitude? Many of us, me included, simply accept what were handed, and we may like or hate parts of it, but we continue to live it. I am guiltier of this than most people. I have not been happy for some time now, and yet I am done little to actually affect any kind of change. I accepted what I was handed and moved on. What if, I stopped doing that? What if I said this life, what I have now, isn’t good enough for me? What if I said I deserve better and this life doesn’t meet my standards? Could it create a shift in my thinking, or would it simply be another distraction? What if before I get my life straight, I have to get my head straight? I have always been a fan of the ‘little less talk, a lot more action’ mentality in life. Discussing your problems only helps for so long. At some point you have to decide to do something about them or nothing ever changes. Issues rarely go away on their own. Could this insight simply be another road block on the way to where I want to go, or is it a needed step along the way? Perhaps this attitude adjustment is part of drawing the map so I have some vague idea where I’m headed. I think that’s what bothers me the most about this whole mire I’m caught in, I don’t know what I want. And that’s unusual for me.


When I was a kid I used to work mazes from the end, picking my way through backwards. Often I’ve approached my life the same way. I figure out where I would like to end up or what the goal I want is, and then I figure out how the get there from where I am. This time, I have no goal, no direction to begin. I think that’s where the rut comes in. When you don’t know where to take that first step, you don’t leave where you are. Part of me wants to jump, just go all out with both feet and figure it out along the way. Perhaps what I want, what I’m really after will present itself to me along the way. At least I’d have my freedom. But I start to think about those boys just down the hall and I hesitate. That surely would not be the best choice for them. I need to put them first. Of course it could be said by taking care of my own needs I will be giving them a happier mommy and a better example of how to run your own life, so perhaps I should jump. The back and forth of this in my head creates inertia.

Bottom line, this life is not good enough for me. I am better than the way I live now. I have done nothing to deserve living in endless mire that does not satisfy the core of who I am. I deserve better than this, and so do the boys. The have a right to a happy mommy.

part 2

So here's where my head was this weekend. I was hanging out on the beach with my two best boys on Saturday, having this completely Zen moment, watching my boys and other children on different races and cultures intermingling and playing together without a care in the world. These were people who in their regular lives wouldn't cross paths in their regular lives spending the day away from whatever stresses or sadness waits for them in their everyday life. My kids, and other kids, accepted Hispanic, black and Asian kids as readily as someone they saw everyday at school. I was pondering how the kids have it so right and we as adults have it so wrong.
So that's where i was coming from, and as the end drew on my time there, this pissiness began to creep inwards and got more and more pronounced. As I said earlier, it finally occurred to me I didn't want to go home. And it wasn't the kids, we had a great time this weekend. I simply didn't want to go back to any part of my life here. I had nothing to look forward to. Theres nothing in my life thats mine I know I've said that before. I played with so many ideas today, ranging from new ink to going blonde to packing us all up and starting over somewhere else, and everything in between. Nothing feels like the right choice. Usually when i find the right answer, it just clicks in my head, and nothing gave me that zing. So i look onward. I know what wont fix it. This cant be fixed by a guy, or a haircut or a new toy. I don't know how to fix this. I expect more of myself than this.
I think if i were to dig I would find that I do and do and do for everyone else, but rarely does anyone do back. This is not to whine and keep score and  moan poor poor me. Its just a fact. And there was a time I took pride in this role, being in control and in charge. But was this feeling of being in control an illusion? Maybe I only wanted to think I was in control, because it was what I needed to believe at the time. Bottom line here, my life is thoroughly off track. There is only one person fix this. I think up until this point I figured  something or someone would come along that would change this, and so far not so much. I think this is my time to find my own voice. I just wish I had some idea what I'm supposed to do now. I really cant just quit my job, I have kids who need me to work and pay the bills. I can say I'm gonna and think about it, but in reality my responsibilities have to take priority. My kids count on me to provide for them. I cant just pack up and move away, cause it would be detrimental to their well being after all they have been through in the past year. They are only now finding their security again and I cant yank that out from under them right now. So where does that leave me? Right in the same rut that got me on this tangent in the first place.
Is it possible I've been this off track for a while and I just hadn't seen it until now? Could it be said I've been covering for a while and i finally have some clarity? I keep asking myself what will fix this, what will make me smile at the end of the day? It could be possible this is a cumulation of stress from working everyday at a job that deadens my soul. I sometimes spend an hour plus at work sitting at my desk fantasizing about telling my boss I quit. But then when I'm out of money and still have no job, what do I do then? The car loan people do not care about my existential crisis. The bank does not care about my joy. I cannot buy groceries with thoughts about my inner workings. I love my kids, and I love them in my life. They are the one aspect that I wouldn't change a thing about. At least that much I do know.
I feel like there is something in myself that wants to be heard, but i dont know how to give it a voice. The essence of me and  what I have to offer is silent and waiting. I dont know how to look for it, how to identify that thing that is me. I can feel it there an sometimes I catch a glimpse of it, and then just as quickly its gone. I want more. I want to let that thing out.

too early for a midlife crisis?

After I spent three glorious days at the beach with my kids, I came home with the kids only to find a seriously foul mood decending on me as I drove home. This is unusual for me. Usually the beach is fun but home is nice. After getting home my mood went further and further south. Crabby and snapping at the kids and just being an all around pill to be around. I sat and tried to analyze my motives, and it finally occurred to me, I didn't want to come home, to come back to the life that waited for me here. My job, living with mom the stress, all of it is becoming too much. Everyday that goes by the walls seem to close in just a little more. I have spent the day weighing several fixes, everything from a new tattoo to walking into work tomorrow and quitting my job. I really don't know how to fix this. I don't make enough to move out and in this economy I don't feel secure in quitting without something lined up. I've been feeling progressively more and more isolated recently and I think the ever increasing stress is mostly to blame gfor this. For once, I'm at a loss. I feel who I am shifting but for once I have no plan or direction. I need to get out of this rut I'm in but I can't find a shovel. So another day goes by and I wiggle an inch or two deeper into my rut. I need a change. Stay tuned, I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out.

I want to change my life

"In order to create the life you want, you must change your life." Someone said this on TV tonight and it really resonated with me. For those of you who know me, I have wanted to make some changes in my life for some time, yet this intertia seems to have taken over that leaves me right where I am. I say I want to excersize, but I sit on the couch. I say I want to quit smoking, but I buy another pack. I say I hate my job, but I stuill go every day. If I change nothing, how do I expect anything ot change? In order to create the life I want, the one that seems to dance just in front of me, I need to change something, anything. My life does not support  these improvements as it is. I need to change, in order to change. Does that make sense to anyone but me? If I do not change my life the things I want will remain just that, the things I want. Not the things I have. I talked about going to school but if I had not adjusted my life in order to make room for school it would not have worked out. I would have gone for a while, and over time it would have fizzled out because I didn't change my life to allow for it. I changed my life, and here I am two weeks away from being done. I changed my life, so my life supported my ability to follow through. If I can do that, I have to think about what comes next. No more excuses.

Family Dynamics

Human and family dynamics are a fascinating thing. My mom had issues with her mom for her entire life because she forever came in second to her brother simply because she was a girl. Was she did was fine, but could never once measure up to what he was able accomplish. In the actions and words of her mother, nothing she ever did was quite good enough. I have complained all of my life that she is exactly the same way and doesn’t see it. She was always very critical of my, and not so much of my brother. When I was old enough to understand the irony of this situation I chose to see the humor in it. My best laid plans were not going to measure up. I have long since stopped trying and really I’ve made as much peace with it as I can. She is blind to her tendencies, and nothing I do or say will ever change that.




Ever since the fire she has become very clingy and needy, asking more and more of me as time goes on. I cut grass, clean the house do the laundry, run the errands, take out the trash and take care of the dog and kids. She’s stopped driving after dark sp any evening errands fall on my shoulders as well. This is not a complaint, exactly, as I feel its my job to take care of her, since my dad is not here to do it. As time passes the list of what I handle gets longer and longer. That’s not to say she does not pitch in, we alternate weeks buying groceries, and last week it was her turn.



And this is where it starts to get funny: She comes home from the store and she bought some of the wrong things. I’m picky about my food; I’m the first to admit it. But there’s the wrong jelly, the wrong cream cheese, and so on. Nothing serious, but enough to irk me. I say nothing, of course because really is cream cheese worthy of hurting someone else’s feelings? It gets funny here because of the voice that piped up in my head when I saw the errors. All I could think was “Jeez, its one trip to the grocery store, couldn’t you even do that right?” Harsh, right? Which is why I silenced the voice. As hyper critical my grandmother was, (and she was, I can assure you), and growing up under a person who was also very critical, I have become the same way towards the person that created the behavior in the first place. That’s where I find the humor. I have become her only its directed towards her instead of my children. Funny thing is I swing the other way towards the boys. At least I hope I do. I tend to be a little more agreeable and a little more lenient than she was, because I want to break the cycle. I think the critical voice comes out towards her because she was the one that spawned it in the first place. She has become a fragile person who needs care. I know I will not ever be able to clear the air between us, ashes simply not ever going to be a place where we could without that critical voice coming out and really hurting her feelings. That voice makes itself known here and there, with little things, like asking me to take the dog out after I’m in bed. These requests usually come with the internal response of “What’s the matter, not strong enough to do it yourself?” Like I said this voice never sees the light of day. But even knowing the voice exists, knowing I have the freedom to think these things is like my internal retribution towards her. To know, I COULD say it, but I choose not to, is enough for me to feel like the scales are tipping to a more equitable balance. I’m not saying it’s the best solution, but at least for us for now, it seems to balance out.

who am I?

So I find myself forced to wonder, as I watch my son process the fact that we are away over night, that as I observe his process, I'm forced to wonder about my own. I have to ask a question of anyone who reads this post, my goal is for honesty, not an ego boost. Am I any different from the person I was before before my house had the nerve to catch fire? I don't really feel any different, yet I have to wonder if I am and I'm the only one who doesn't see it. Is it possible who I am, under the surface had chaged and I'm the only one who doesn't see it. I firmly believe if you do not acknowledge who you have bern you cannot really call where you want to go. I want to grow but if I don't accept who I was! Good and bad, that can't happen. I encourage responses that involve honesty, even if you think its something I don't want to hear. I need to know who I was and I can't until I know who I was. Can't wait for a response!

progress is slow and halting

So when it comes to Patrick and his recovery from the fire, I'm afraid I'd let my guard down. I really thought we'd made such progress, I could breathe and resume some semblance of a normal life. And then we went on vacation, and I was reminded how much distance we have yet to cover. This trip, although fun, it totally stressing him out. As I write this he's sleeping in my bed again after a day long attitude problem. This trip is hard for him, being away from home and in a strange place. I had forgotten where he is and where his head is. I'm proud of him for going, and I think the positive memories of coming to this same place last year help. He keeps trying to convince me to let him run off and do things on his own, I think he's running from his own anxiety. He know he wants to be here, but the reality of it is harder when you're there. I had forgotten how hard this was for him to be away from home. Once he quieted down and I asked, he admitted he was stressed. This is actually huge for him to be able to talk about what's in his head. I need to try and focus on getting him to talk about what he's thinking and feeling. The best example I can come up with is he talked the whole way here about how he couldn't wait to sleep in his top bunk bed, then refused to sleep there when the time came. He just needed to be near me and I can accept that. He's here and he's asleep. I remember how bad his first overnight trip after the fire was, and look at where he is now, and I can see he is going in the right direction. I only need to remember to be patient.

looking at old ghosts

Its funny, the role people who were once inportant in your life have when they are no longer there. The first guy I ever loved, I mean the kind of all encompassing, would lay down and die for you love, was John F Rambo. (Insert your appropriate jokes here, I've heard it all before.) I met him when I was 19 or so, and we were joined at the hip from then on. He understood and accepted me like no one else ever has, before or since. He was not perfect, with issues with drugs and violence and family issues that do not need to be detailed here. My parents hated him, and he loved me. Its been 20 years or so since we've dated and about 7 since we spoke. Our relationship was tumulous and rocky. We broke up, we got back together, we fought, but all in all, I loved him, and I loved being with him. He came to me in the lowest, darkest part of my life. I had been crushed and betrayed by my family. And then, just like that, he came to pick me up. He was there for me, to listen and support me, when I needed him. We were a month away from getting married when I called it off. To this day, for reasons I don't understand, I woke up one morning, and realized I couldn't go through with it.

I was looking back on him, and our relationship together, and I see now, we never would have worked. He and I lived and wanted different things from our lives. After we broke up, he found his way into the Philly music and Goth scene, something that never would have interested me. I finished college and went on with my life. We were just too young to understand that then.

And yet, the memory of him lives on even now. I still hold a part of him near me, perhaps as an example of what I think a relationship should be. But, what we had was not what should be. I, quite literally, did not exist without him with me. I almost dropped out of college to make him happy. I dyed my hair black (NOT a good look for me, trust me on this) and tried to fit in with his friends. He tried to be what my parents expected. He tried to maintain the facade they wanted to see. I really beleived I belonged with him. I have to wonder now, as I look back, why I loved him. I should not have. Every girl has their bad boy in their history, maybe he was mine. I don't know why I hang onto him, even now, considering how sick our relationship really was. But yet, there he is, my very own memory.

He's dead now. January of 2004 he died in a wreck in Cherry Hill NJ. I knew it almost right away, as my brother happened to see it in the obits. I'd seen him once or twice here and there, but I never thought someone who consumed me that completely sould be turned off just like that.

So here I am, a handful of memories and the distinct longing for something that really never existed in the first place. Maybe I'm just looking for someone who believes in me the way he did. Maybe I just want to find someone who makes me feel like I matter more than any other aspect of his life. I'm not certain that exists, but I know I want more than the recent sad excuses for men in my life have had to offer. Maybe that's what he was supposed to mean in my life, to show me what could be, if the right person comes along.

Good News!

My youngest son announced to me last night (that would be Gabe) that he is getting married! Her name is Lauren and shes a dark haired exotic girl with a charming smile. He has good tatse, what can I say? I asked him when he was going to get marrioed, he said he didn't know, he hadn't asked her yet. I then asked when he was going to ask her. He assured me he wasn't going to. As he put it, "She'll figure it out soon enough."

I should probably point out here that two weeks ago, he was marrying Marie. They were in love he said. I have proof of this from a gentle reminder from his teacher to explain to him why we do not kiss girls at recess. Before that it was Noelle and Alex. At the same time. I told him then you are not allowed to marry more than one girl at a time in this country, but somehow he didn't seem bothered by such trivalties.

In this particular intance, I asked him where they planned to live. His answer..."With you of course!" Of course. How could I be so foolish as to think otherwise?

By the time he gets home from school tomorrow (or perhaps as soon as today), I suspect his passionate fling with the lovely Lauren will have ended. Most likely he will have moved on to someone else already. But until then, anyone want to go to a wedding?

Therapy

Out of all the pictures I have in my files this is the only one I have of him. The loser with the black shirt. That's all the kids have to go with. Thats it. What does that tell you?

So my son admitted in Therapy tonight that he was pissed off at his Dad. This sounds little but really it's not. We've been trying to get him to this point for almost a year. To hear him say he's pissed off at his dad and his feelings are hurt by the way he acts towards him was huge for me. For several reasons. I have never stopped for any length of time to accept how I feel about the man who sired my children. I hate him, simply enough. He sold me a sack full of promises that he never meant to keep and lied to me repeatedly throughout our marriage. This, surprisingly enough, I can live with, Those are his choices, not mine and I cannot control the choices made so long ago. I can only control my reaction to those choices. I chose to walk away. This was the healthiest chioce for all of us by far. And for a while, we were able to move along our with our lives. He had a moderate amount of involvement with them, every few weeks or so, and I gave him a moderate amount of respect for still being involved with his kids even though our relationship had ended. Time passed, we found a mutual understanduing of each other, os so I thought. Then he met HER. Jen, the evil shrew who made his real personality show through. Even after he met her, things porogressed normally. Hell when the kids visited him now, they actually visited a clean house. This could work, I thought. she could be good for him, I started to wonder if maybe SHE could make him into a better person, hell maybe even a better dad! Then, they decided to have a baby. Thats where the story changes. He had baby number 5, and dropped his two kids like last years newspaper. Suddenly the boys were lucky if he saw them twice a year. As it stands now, when the boys saw him at chrsitmas, it was the first time he'd seen them since April. I really really hate him for this. I hate the fact that he hurt my children. He turned his back on his kids in the blink of an eye and it really pissed me off. I hate him for making a mess that I now have to love my kids through. I cannot say this enough, this is a price I'm willing to pay because I am getting the good end of this deal. I get the kids. I get the hugs and the kisses and the bed time stories and the snuggles and the snow days and the beach days and all the fun tings that come along with kids. But I am angry. I really fucking hate that man, and I'm ok with that. I hate that he is selfish and lazy and self centered and that he was able to drop them so easily. I really believe they never meant anything to him. They were a ticket to what he thohght was a better life. I really believe he doesnt care, and never did. I hate him for not seeing what those kids really are, how sweet and smart they are, and how special they are. I hate him for not wanting to be a part of their lives. I hate him for telling them although not in actual words that HER kids and the new baby matter, and they do not. I work every day to undo damage. I can only hope I can do enough. I dont want them growing up feeling less than what they are because that asshole couldnt be bothered to be involved. I love my kids, I can only hope that whaty I have to offer is enough.

What I'm afraid of

The last two days have been good ones with the boys. But there are hints, especially with Patrick of the issues that lie just beneath. I am afraid I'm not going to be able to fix him. I have worried that I will never get the boy I used to have back to where he was. Children change as they grow, and I'm not naieve enough to believe that Patrick would be immune to this. One of my favorite memories of him is laying on our backs watching the fourth of July fireworks, and as each one was launched into the sky and exploded above us he gave each one a voice and made they say things as the exploded. I can honestly say I have never laughed like that in my life. The boy I have now doesn't always want to leave the house. He wants to lose himself in computer games and the TV. With my other child, I worry that I'm not paying enough attention to him and he will grow up feeling neglected. I worry I will not be up to this challenge. I worry I will not be able to fix him, and get him to a place where he's comfortable with himself and confident in his abilites. I worry they will not live up to the potential I see in their eyes. I worry they will grow up like I did when I was a kid, never really finding a place where I fit. I was in college before that happened. It was there I finally found people just like me. I hope they don't have to wait that long. I am afraid I cannot fix this. I worry this is bigger than me. I believe I will get through this, I have to believe that, because without hope you have nothing.

the life I should have had

I find myself, in the heavier moments of parenthood, wondering about the life I sometimes think I should have had. When I was younger, in college and even earlier, in high school, I thought about the future that awaited and never once in all that time did I think I wouls be a single mother with two kids, living at her moms house at 36. I don't dislike the life I have now, but this really is never where I thought I would be at this point in time. I find me letting my mind wander to what it would be like to have the life I thought I would have if things has turned out the way I thought it should have. What if there was a partner beside me? What if I wasn't alone on this journey? What if my boys had a dad? Who would I be? What would I be? Would that other person be there to back me up? Would he be there to fight with? I know, from looking around at the wreckage of some peoples lives that it could be so much worse. I could be shackled to someone who was abusive, cruel, unavailable, or just plain uninterested in being a dad. Things would be so different. But maybe not all for the better. Maybe I wouldn't have found my inner strong person. Maybe I would not have learned to listen to and trust my own judgement when it comes to raising kids. I have a nasy habit of letting other peoples wants and needs overhsadow my own. I lean in the direction of giving more validity to someone elses point over my own. Since I am on my own own this journey, there is no one else to get any other odeas from, so I have to find the answers my self, one way or the other. I have to figure out what questions to ask and how to find the answers I need. I have had to learn to be independant and how to maintain discipline in my home. I doubt myself every day that I have any clue what I'm doing, but I'm so much better at this than I was five years ago. If I were with someone else, maybe I would not be 11 weeks away form having my Masters degree. Maybe this is the life I was supposoed to have even if it wasn't the one I wanted. I can honestly say sometimes I look around and wonder how exactly I got where I am. I truly never thought this fate was in my cards. But as in poker you can only deal with the cards you have been dealt. Wishing for another hand will not get you where you want to be. I love my kids more than I ever thought it was possible to love another person, and I do not regret ain anyway rasing them. I think maybe I'm right where I'm supposed to be. How's that old saying go? "You wanna hear God laugh? Tell him your plans." "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." I think these fit here. Some days I swear I can hear giggles coming from heaven.

the destiny of children

It's an interesting thing about kids. In my darker moments, I have, in the past, questioned the motives of God in regards to giving me a child with so many problems. Not that I don't love him, cause God knows I am closer to him than any other human being on Earth. But there have been moments when I have questioned the wisdom of the higher power in choosing to send this child on this particualr journey. Everything is much harder for him than it is for most children. He was to work harder in school, to make friends, to process negative emotions and to just cut a path through his existance. Everything comes so easily to his brother. This child, my child even has trouble naviagting home sometimes, wanting more and more of my attention, testing every boundary ever placed before him. He is frequently difiant and angry, making me wonder whats going on inside of him. I have asked, at times in the past, why this child was given to me. Don't get me wrong, I know how blessed I am to have children in the first place. Too many people want them but are unable, or have their kids yanked prematurely out of their lives by the impetuous hand of fate. I do aknowledge my blessings for what they are and I know just how quickly things can change. But that being said, what is the wisdom of giving a child that requires the therapist, the psychiatrist, the special ed, the school counsellor to me? Who decided I was up to this personal challenge? Why were the odds so seriously stacked against him from the very beginning, with the life he was given, the father he was given, the family he was given. Even the love of both parents was denied him in this exisitance. That makes me very sad for him. His is an experience I cannot fully undestand as I was lucky enough to have both parents together for my entire childhood. Why was he granted a father that was able to so easily cast him aside when a new model arrived, treated his oldest child like the favorite child? I mourn sometimes, for what he should have had, but never will. And, really where I'm going with this is why was this child given to me? I've never had ADD, I can't really know how his mind works. And yet, he is SO loving, and SO considerate. Maybe these gifts were meant to balance out the shortcomings he was handed with them. If you put him in a room with people smaller thna him, he has the patience I wish I had. How can this be the same child that can be so angry is things aren't just they way he needs them to be?

I look at the last 9 years with this child, and I look at what I have learned from him. I have learned patience. I have learned to be quiet when I am angry, I have learned to be flexible. I have leanred to slow down, and how to find a way to keep trying when I want to stop. I have learned how to ask questions to those around me and how to use the system to get what he needs. I have learned to listen. I have learned how to communicate. Still yet there is more to be learned. Maybe the powers that be gave exactly the right child to exactly the right person, in that we both had a lot to take from each other. I don't know if someone else would be able to find the stores of pateince I have had to with him, or learn to think creatively when it comes to methods of helping him learn. Maybe it was done exactly right after all.

I still wonder if I'm up for this, and there are days I pray for a peaceful day where the fighting is less. But I think, maybe just maybe the people in charge might know what they're doing. I can only hope I'm doing it right. I worry about his fututre, he has so many challenges to overcome. I only hope, I only pray I know what I'm doing.  I want so much for him, I see so much in him that could be amazing. I need to remember to stop and remember he is amazing to me already.

"To love another person is to see the face of God..."

who am I?

So I look at my life, as it stands right now, and I find myself wondering who I am. I am the mother of a two children, one of which in on his own journey through a form of mental illness. I am a daughter who cares for her mothers daily needs, including cleaning the house, the yard, the kids and everything that's included there in. I buy the food, clean the house, feed the family, maintain the household, and work full time while going to grad school. I am an almost graduated Masters student who has managed to keep a B average this far. I am single mom, who is rasing two boys without any help from their dad. He chooses not to be involved since he had a new family with his current girlfriend. If it didn't bother Patrick so much, it wouldn't bother me, but Patrick wants a dad, and right now, as far as he is concerned he doesn't have one. I am single right now by choice, as I don't have time to get involved right now with anyone else. I simply have no desire to give anything to anyone else. There is nothing else to give. I have friends, and I hope I'm as good a friend to them as they have been to me. I try to be anyway. I am 36, and sometimes it feels like time is the enemy, the older it gets the faster it slips by me, every day falling away a little faster than the one before it. Somedays, I feel like I'm still 22, and not entirely sure how I ended up where I am. I look around me, and wonder How did this happen? How did I get here? I am a mom, who loves her kids more than anything else in the entire world. They are the best thing I have ever done, and I know how lucky I am to have them, healthy and whole. Patrick especially, he has his issues, but we're working on them. Therapy is working its magic, and hes in special ed in school, something I've been working for since September. So, with all of this, I still look around and wonder who is the person who lives just under the surface of all of this? That reamins to be seen.

I haven't posted in a really long time, because the whole moving in the house event actually came across as sort of anti climactic, and with all the chaos of the holidays, I just sort of misplaced myself for awhile. I'm still looking for me, I am going to update the whole blog soon because the original purpose of it has been completed, and now I have to define the new journey I might be on. I really worried that after the house was complete I woulds have nothing left to say, that perhaps people would not find me interesting anymore. A few updates to get out of the way: Pat is sleeping in his own room again ans that's great for all of us. I know the world has put this event behind them, and I think I'm getting there too. I'm in a more solid place than I was 6 months ago that's for sure. I still see changes that need to be made within myself, and perhaps that's where I'll go from here.