dreams

What do you want? I mean what do you really want? This has been an overwhelming theme in my life, and in this blog. This shouldn't be a hard question to answer, and yet the answer is something I still struggle with, and the answer still eludes me. I don't know why it comes so close, only to slip out of my grasp again. I have an idea now. I want to matter, its as simple as that. I don't mean just in this house or to my kids, I mean on a much grander scale. I want to walk in a room and have heads turn. I want people to seek out my opinion because they know I'll have the answer. I don't think I like what wanting this says about me. It makes me seem self centered and vain and I'm not comfortable with that. Maybe part of the reason I struggle with the definition of what I want is because I fear I won't like the answer. Once again tonight, through my poor decision making skills, I have managed to let myself down. I don't like how this makes me feel when I look in the mirror. I don't know how to fix who I am inside to make myself someone I'm happy to have looking back at me. I don't always like who I am inside. I make bad choices sometimes because I'm trying to fill a void. What kind of person would make me proud to have looking back at me in the morning when I get up? I want to be someone who matters. So to begin that, do I matter to myself? It has to start with me, right? I believe what you put out into the universe you get back. I'm so busy being wrapped up in my own minutia that I haven't pit much out there. This goes beyond looking for external validation, I think. I need to matter to me. What kind of person would I be if I mattered to me? What characteristics would I have if I mattered to me? That's what I need to define. I'm still getting to that place. I'm still clarifying who I think I need to be in order to matter to me. That's a clear step I need to master for the next step in this journey.