When my head gets too full, my life presented with too many options I tend to go in to overload and withdrawal from whatever situation is causing me to overload. That's where I am now. I've spent the night trying to get my head on straight, reminding myself that there's too much I don't know right now. A phone call from Pats teacher forced me to acknowledge that changes I've seen in him over the past few weeks. He's more amped for no particular reason, even whatever is going on in his life doesn't warrant the behavior. Terrible days will be met with a jubilant child who is laughing and bouncing off the walls. Problems, when addressed head on and met with screaming and something that resembles rage. Serious lapses in judgment and a notable touch of apathy are thrown into the mix. I tell myself its pre pubescent hormones. That could indeed be part of it. I've been telling myself for weeks this too shall fade. His teacher tells me she's seen changes too. And not changes for the better. I tell myself its not him. He's recently been dumped by his best friend. He's struggling in doing his school work. Not from lack of ability but lack of talent. I convince myself he's not trying cause he's distracted. I don't let the term Mental illness enter my thoughts. SO not ready to go there yet. He shouldn't have these hurdles. He's such a good kid, its not fair. He has so many other hurdles in his life, no Dad, no learning disability, anxiety and now what else? A call to his psychiatrist is in order to have him evaluated. Again. He was doing so well at the beginning of the year. I thought we'd turned a corner, I thought we'd found our way. I believed we had a handle on this thing. What fresh hell awaits us this time? Again, I am left with 'Why?'. I don't know enough to even know how to feel. I ask him how school is, and nothing is ever his fault. Teachers are 'stupid' or 'they didn't give me enough time'. All I see is he's not trying to the best of his ability. He has so much to offer and no one sees it because of his choices. He is his own worst enemy. All I want is an answer. I just want to know what this is. Why is it so hard to get there? Why is this always a guessing game? Maybe can be so many places. Many forms of mental illness don't really surface until puberty. ADD and manic depression are almost identical until those teen hormones hit. I've always known this was a possibility. And yet all I can think is 'this SO doesn't come from MY side of the family'. So this is disjointed and disorganized but I need to start to untangle the knots that will most likely keep me up tonight. Feel free to comment.
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