the destiny of children

It's an interesting thing about kids. In my darker moments, I have, in the past, questioned the motives of God in regards to giving me a child with so many problems. Not that I don't love him, cause God knows I am closer to him than any other human being on Earth. But there have been moments when I have questioned the wisdom of the higher power in choosing to send this child on this particualr journey. Everything is much harder for him than it is for most children. He was to work harder in school, to make friends, to process negative emotions and to just cut a path through his existance. Everything comes so easily to his brother. This child, my child even has trouble naviagting home sometimes, wanting more and more of my attention, testing every boundary ever placed before him. He is frequently difiant and angry, making me wonder whats going on inside of him. I have asked, at times in the past, why this child was given to me. Don't get me wrong, I know how blessed I am to have children in the first place. Too many people want them but are unable, or have their kids yanked prematurely out of their lives by the impetuous hand of fate. I do aknowledge my blessings for what they are and I know just how quickly things can change. But that being said, what is the wisdom of giving a child that requires the therapist, the psychiatrist, the special ed, the school counsellor to me? Who decided I was up to this personal challenge? Why were the odds so seriously stacked against him from the very beginning, with the life he was given, the father he was given, the family he was given. Even the love of both parents was denied him in this exisitance. That makes me very sad for him. His is an experience I cannot fully undestand as I was lucky enough to have both parents together for my entire childhood. Why was he granted a father that was able to so easily cast him aside when a new model arrived, treated his oldest child like the favorite child? I mourn sometimes, for what he should have had, but never will. And, really where I'm going with this is why was this child given to me? I've never had ADD, I can't really know how his mind works. And yet, he is SO loving, and SO considerate. Maybe these gifts were meant to balance out the shortcomings he was handed with them. If you put him in a room with people smaller thna him, he has the patience I wish I had. How can this be the same child that can be so angry is things aren't just they way he needs them to be?

I look at the last 9 years with this child, and I look at what I have learned from him. I have learned patience. I have learned to be quiet when I am angry, I have learned to be flexible. I have leanred to slow down, and how to find a way to keep trying when I want to stop. I have learned how to ask questions to those around me and how to use the system to get what he needs. I have learned to listen. I have learned how to communicate. Still yet there is more to be learned. Maybe the powers that be gave exactly the right child to exactly the right person, in that we both had a lot to take from each other. I don't know if someone else would be able to find the stores of pateince I have had to with him, or learn to think creatively when it comes to methods of helping him learn. Maybe it was done exactly right after all.

I still wonder if I'm up for this, and there are days I pray for a peaceful day where the fighting is less. But I think, maybe just maybe the people in charge might know what they're doing. I can only hope I'm doing it right. I worry about his fututre, he has so many challenges to overcome. I only hope, I only pray I know what I'm doing.  I want so much for him, I see so much in him that could be amazing. I need to remember to stop and remember he is amazing to me already.

"To love another person is to see the face of God..."