the life I should have had

I find myself, in the heavier moments of parenthood, wondering about the life I sometimes think I should have had. When I was younger, in college and even earlier, in high school, I thought about the future that awaited and never once in all that time did I think I wouls be a single mother with two kids, living at her moms house at 36. I don't dislike the life I have now, but this really is never where I thought I would be at this point in time. I find me letting my mind wander to what it would be like to have the life I thought I would have if things has turned out the way I thought it should have. What if there was a partner beside me? What if I wasn't alone on this journey? What if my boys had a dad? Who would I be? What would I be? Would that other person be there to back me up? Would he be there to fight with? I know, from looking around at the wreckage of some peoples lives that it could be so much worse. I could be shackled to someone who was abusive, cruel, unavailable, or just plain uninterested in being a dad. Things would be so different. But maybe not all for the better. Maybe I wouldn't have found my inner strong person. Maybe I would not have learned to listen to and trust my own judgement when it comes to raising kids. I have a nasy habit of letting other peoples wants and needs overhsadow my own. I lean in the direction of giving more validity to someone elses point over my own. Since I am on my own own this journey, there is no one else to get any other odeas from, so I have to find the answers my self, one way or the other. I have to figure out what questions to ask and how to find the answers I need. I have had to learn to be independant and how to maintain discipline in my home. I doubt myself every day that I have any clue what I'm doing, but I'm so much better at this than I was five years ago. If I were with someone else, maybe I would not be 11 weeks away form having my Masters degree. Maybe this is the life I was supposoed to have even if it wasn't the one I wanted. I can honestly say sometimes I look around and wonder how exactly I got where I am. I truly never thought this fate was in my cards. But as in poker you can only deal with the cards you have been dealt. Wishing for another hand will not get you where you want to be. I love my kids more than I ever thought it was possible to love another person, and I do not regret ain anyway rasing them. I think maybe I'm right where I'm supposed to be. How's that old saying go? "You wanna hear God laugh? Tell him your plans." "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." I think these fit here. Some days I swear I can hear giggles coming from heaven.