What I'm afraid of

The last two days have been good ones with the boys. But there are hints, especially with Patrick of the issues that lie just beneath. I am afraid I'm not going to be able to fix him. I have worried that I will never get the boy I used to have back to where he was. Children change as they grow, and I'm not naieve enough to believe that Patrick would be immune to this. One of my favorite memories of him is laying on our backs watching the fourth of July fireworks, and as each one was launched into the sky and exploded above us he gave each one a voice and made they say things as the exploded. I can honestly say I have never laughed like that in my life. The boy I have now doesn't always want to leave the house. He wants to lose himself in computer games and the TV. With my other child, I worry that I'm not paying enough attention to him and he will grow up feeling neglected. I worry I will not be up to this challenge. I worry I will not be able to fix him, and get him to a place where he's comfortable with himself and confident in his abilites. I worry they will not live up to the potential I see in their eyes. I worry they will grow up like I did when I was a kid, never really finding a place where I fit. I was in college before that happened. It was there I finally found people just like me. I hope they don't have to wait that long. I am afraid I cannot fix this. I worry this is bigger than me. I believe I will get through this, I have to believe that, because without hope you have nothing.