perspective

I got a chance today that you don’t get with every person you break up with and I had to share. As many of you know I have been seeing someone now for a few weeks and things are going well. Out of the blue my ex boyfriend contacts me, to let me know about something he saw on the computer. We get to talking a little and I was joking around that after our last communication I was surprised he hadn’t burned my number in effigy. The last time we talked at all was this summer when he sent me a text message, livid that I was dating, even though we hadn’t spoken in a long time. Needless to say, the conversation was vicious on both ends and we let it fly. You know how when you’re with someone you don’t say certain things, cause you know it’s gonna start trouble, well we were there. I enjoyed every second of it. When I mentioned this last conversation, his response was “Oh I didn’t actually mean any of that, you know I was just kidding.” Kidding? Sure didn’t sound like it at the time. I know to this day I meant everything I said to him. Thinking about this made me look back over the entire relationship, and funny that pattern was there the whole time and I never saw it. The whole time we were together we’d fight stop talking, he’d come back be nice and wed get back together for a few weeks. I don’t know which is more disturbing, that he actually thinks he didn’t mean any of those hateful things he said to me, or that he thinks I’ll actually buy his stupid song and dance again. It’s refreshing to actually see something, or someone for what it actually is, without the blinders on. I have to ask myself why I couldn’t see it at the time. Possibly because I didn’t want to see it? Was I so busy trying to convince myself that he was a good person that I chose to ignore the facts that proved otherwise? Looking back, I can see this same pattern with my ex as well. I didn’t want to see the things that might make me break up with him. I think I can finally identify the flaws that aren’t compatible with me, and call them what they are. This feels good, very freeing. One more notch in my journey.