doing fine, or too tired for a midlife crisis

An interesting observation was made while watching TV last night. I was watching Losing It and Jillian was trying to get someone to see that their current path was not a healthy lifestyle for them, and what she said was “This life, what you have now, you’re better than this. You’re too good for this.” I heard her say that, and it resonated with me. What if the changes in my life I seek are only a matter of attitude? Many of us, me included, simply accept what were handed, and we may like or hate parts of it, but we continue to live it. I am guiltier of this than most people. I have not been happy for some time now, and yet I am done little to actually affect any kind of change. I accepted what I was handed and moved on. What if, I stopped doing that? What if I said this life, what I have now, isn’t good enough for me? What if I said I deserve better and this life doesn’t meet my standards? Could it create a shift in my thinking, or would it simply be another distraction? What if before I get my life straight, I have to get my head straight? I have always been a fan of the ‘little less talk, a lot more action’ mentality in life. Discussing your problems only helps for so long. At some point you have to decide to do something about them or nothing ever changes. Issues rarely go away on their own. Could this insight simply be another road block on the way to where I want to go, or is it a needed step along the way? Perhaps this attitude adjustment is part of drawing the map so I have some vague idea where I’m headed. I think that’s what bothers me the most about this whole mire I’m caught in, I don’t know what I want. And that’s unusual for me.


When I was a kid I used to work mazes from the end, picking my way through backwards. Often I’ve approached my life the same way. I figure out where I would like to end up or what the goal I want is, and then I figure out how the get there from where I am. This time, I have no goal, no direction to begin. I think that’s where the rut comes in. When you don’t know where to take that first step, you don’t leave where you are. Part of me wants to jump, just go all out with both feet and figure it out along the way. Perhaps what I want, what I’m really after will present itself to me along the way. At least I’d have my freedom. But I start to think about those boys just down the hall and I hesitate. That surely would not be the best choice for them. I need to put them first. Of course it could be said by taking care of my own needs I will be giving them a happier mommy and a better example of how to run your own life, so perhaps I should jump. The back and forth of this in my head creates inertia.

Bottom line, this life is not good enough for me. I am better than the way I live now. I have done nothing to deserve living in endless mire that does not satisfy the core of who I am. I deserve better than this, and so do the boys. The have a right to a happy mommy.