Boundaries

Interesting to me how one story from when my mother was younger can cause a shift in my perspective that in effect, creates such an adjustment that I see truths about myself that weren't as apparent as before. I have issues with boundaries. I don't know how to set them and I don't know healthy ways to respond when they are crossed. When I was younger boundaries weren't as issue. As a child in my house I wasn't supposed to have any. I was just to do as I'm was told. This behavior goes back generations in my family. The change is now I can see the same pattern in every inter-personal relationship I've ever had. There have been times I've tried to set boundaries, but I think even I knew subconsciously that I didn't really mean it and I wouldn't back it up. Little surprise when the other person opted not to respect them either. In trying to figure out why I seem to struggle with this, I have to ask myself to define a boundary. Is it simply not accepting certain behaviors or does it go further than that? I've always called myself a control freak. Looking at myself from this angle I'm not sure that's right. What do I control? Even now, living where I do, I do what I'm told to keep the peace. Its just easier. Duck and cover any unacceptable choices to maintain what authority has established as the status quo. There are no physical consequences to misdeeds, only endless strife and calls of judgment. So where does this come from? Is the inability to set boundaries innate or is it created? On one hand it could give fuel to suspicions I've had for a while now. That could also be me looking for something that's not there. On the other hand I could just be a very compliant person who prefers to be a peacemaker. If that is true, no matter how peaceful you try to be, there comes a time eventually where you must draw the line. Everyone has t stand their ground eventually. This was most obvious in my last job. No matter how badly the company treated me, I came back for more every day for almost three years. And I left not because I was standing my ground, but because there was no other choice. Even in personal relationships, I dislike a persons behavior but I say nothing, turning in fact to become a staunch defender of that persons rights to do the acts that bother me. What does this say about me? Am I really just as weak as I've always secretly feared I have been? What's the difference between weakness and docile? Even as I type that word, docile, my heart revolts against it. I'm not docile. At least, I don't want to be. I haven't learned any other way. How does a person go about learning something that can't come from a book? Even my kids are better at it than I am. That's the funny thing, I can set and stick to boundaries w them. Its a no-brainer as far as they're concerned. Children need boundaries and I'm the only one to give it to them. Why can I give them something I can't give myself? It could be said from that observation about my kids that I do know how to set boundaries, but choose not to when it comes to myself. Do I see my kids as having a greater inherent value than myself? Of course I do, I think they're pretty terrific. Why can't I see the person that created them and is raising them with equal value? Does it go back to not having my NO respected? Or not being given a voice as a child? Maybe those combined with an innate desire for acceptance. Maybe I think I'll find my place by trying to fit into every place I find, until one is comfortable. So far, that route hasn't worked out so well. I don't respect myself or what I want nearly enough. I need to figure out now what to do about it. Where does strength come from? Can it be learned? I'll let you know when I figure it out. Feel free to comment.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry