starting with me

Where am I now? Floundering in my life at this moment. I'm used to order and structure, and this has caused me to question everything that is and was in my life. My job is the pits and I think about quitting everyday, and my existence is in a a huge state of flux. I think when this section of my life rolls past me I will not know who I used to be. I find myself wanting to do things very out of character, like learn to ride a motorcycle, for the sole reason they scare the hell out of me. I've had it pounded into my head that they are death traps on wheels forever, and maybe that's not true. I was told many things, if you lead a good life and try to be a good person, good things will come to you. That God will protect you. That God is kind. I question that as well now. I find myself questioning everything I have ever known and believed to be true. nothing is solid for me anymore. I can't go to church because I'm SO pissed off at God that I can't even set foot in the place. I look for something solid to start from, and find only shifting sand beneath my feet. I have to believe there will come a time when I will find solid ground again, but know not when. I want my life back the way it was, but slowly, slowly I'm coming to terms with the fact that that is never going to happen. Even when we move back, it will never be the same. I need to get to know the new, and as time passes the new normal will not seem different anymore.

Oh happier notes, we've had progress at the house! We have new garage doors, and shutters, even if they are glaringly white right now. and were in the process of starting to discuss paint colors for the rooms. I'm going to post pictures later this week of the whitest garage doors in history.

Introduction

This will serve as my online therapy for my life. In April 2009, my house burned and we lost everything. I'm trying to figure out how to recover from this. I worry about my kids, I worry about the details and let myself slide in the process. I want to make my peace with this so I can begin to put the peices back together but so far, thinking too hard or too long about what was and what could have been still brings tears. I should be graetful no one was hurt, I should be grateful no one was home. I should be thrilled we had insurance and will get our house back. I'm just pissed. In the few months since the fire, I have started having trouble sleeping and gained 15 pounds. AlL I want is my life back and that doesn't seem like its going to happen just yet. I want to go back to where I was 4 months ago. I deal with the insurance guys, the contractors, the landlord of our rental house because my mom doesn't seem up to it. When did I become the parent?