going home

I had hoped getting away from my life might give me some perspective on it. I had hoped time in the silence of my own head might allow me a break. In a way, I was right. Thursday was 9 hours of my own thoughts and it was a unusual experience to say the least. I cant remember the last time I have been left alone in any kind of silence. My kids are still waiting for me at home and the stress of my life is not being put on hold. I'm simply separated myself from it for a few days. Patrick is still acting badly, Gabriel is still missing mom, and my mom is still falling apart. Why did I do this trip this weekend? There was a fair amount of guilt over leaving in the first place, feeling as if I was running away from my family. If it weren't for my kids, I wouldn't want to go home at all. But I also know all I would be doing is running away, and as I have proven in the past, running away only postpones the problems, not really fixes them. Patrick has been diagnosed with PTSD, and hes on Zoloft now. I don't know how I feel about that. It has taken the edge off the anxiety, and for the first time since the fire, he feels his sad. And probably feels his angry although he hasn't voiced that yet. He seems to be getting worse, not better, and I keep hoping if I can hang on just one more day I can get us through this. All this falls on to my shoulders and I worry that I'm not up to the challenge. I can only hope I am. At this point all I'm hoping is the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train. I want to fix this, and I can't. Even after the dark place I went through in college, I do not ever remember feeling so helpless and in effective before now. I'm still looking for control. But, yet this weekend was key to my own sanity. I remembered to laugh this weekend. I remembered I love my friends, and that no matter how it may feel I am not alone in this process. Just as I would have theirs, they have mine. That thought alone could see me through some very dark places, for I fear this journey has a few miles yet to go before I sleep. With friends like mine, I can do this. I hope.