me and Him

Someone asked me recently to go to church with him, and I said no. I considered it briefly and then decided that I just couldn't do it. not yet. I find myself wrestling with this still, although I hoped I would find some peace with this by now. I guess my schedule is a little different than the one Goad has planned for me. I found myself actually talking to Him this weekend for the first time in many months. I had thought maybe I was making progress with my anger. Then this morning, as I ponder the very difficult path my oldest has chose for himself, I found that same anger right there waiting for me. I think about what the last 6 months have been like, and what changes have taken place within my family as a direct result of it. Cause apparently, my life wasn't nearly hard enough already, someone felt the overwhelming need to make it just that much harder. As a single mom, dealing with my mom and work and school and kids and therapy, I really really needed something else to compete for my attention. I've taken some knocks in the last 36 years, some harder than others. After a short but unhappy marriage, and finding the inner me enough to walk away, to save myself, I thought things were getting better. I was in school, Pat was in therapy, and things were starting to show signs of life again. I actually believed the worst was behind us and all the hard work was going to start to pay off. And then, just as my back was turned and I was starting to feel pretty good, the rug was yanked out from under me, and we all got pushed back further then we had been when we began. Now we not only have to make up the progress we made, we have to do it damaged and hurt. don't get me wrong, we will get through this, there is simply no other choice. I'm just pissed that I have to. People have asked me how I can blame God for this, they say He had nothing to do with it. I don't see anyone else in charge around here, do you? Bottom line, I don't understand. People say to accept, that God knows what He's doing. This is God's will? This mind numbing, gut wrenching, angry, bitter place I'm walking through, is God's will? Why? Why is this my path? I find myself asking again and again, why this happened, not just to me, but to one of the sweetest and most sensitive boys I've ever had the privilege to know. and really, I think that's where the anger actually stems from. I don't really care what I go through, I know I can handle it. But this time, this time God decided to pick on one of my kids. And that's something I just can't accept. The real anger stems from the fact that they are hurting and I can't see anyone else to blame. Patrick and Gabe did not deserve this. They've done nothing. Patrick had enough to deal with on his own, this is too much. I can only hope God knows what He's doing, cause it sure as hell doesn't look like it from down here.