me and Him

Someone asked me recently to go to church with him, and I said no. I considered it briefly and then decided that I just couldn't do it. not yet. I find myself wrestling with this still, although I hoped I would find some peace with this by now. I guess my schedule is a little different than the one Goad has planned for me. I found myself actually talking to Him this weekend for the first time in many months. I had thought maybe I was making progress with my anger. Then this morning, as I ponder the very difficult path my oldest has chose for himself, I found that same anger right there waiting for me. I think about what the last 6 months have been like, and what changes have taken place within my family as a direct result of it. Cause apparently, my life wasn't nearly hard enough already, someone felt the overwhelming need to make it just that much harder. As a single mom, dealing with my mom and work and school and kids and therapy, I really really needed something else to compete for my attention. I've taken some knocks in the last 36 years, some harder than others. After a short but unhappy marriage, and finding the inner me enough to walk away, to save myself, I thought things were getting better. I was in school, Pat was in therapy, and things were starting to show signs of life again. I actually believed the worst was behind us and all the hard work was going to start to pay off. And then, just as my back was turned and I was starting to feel pretty good, the rug was yanked out from under me, and we all got pushed back further then we had been when we began. Now we not only have to make up the progress we made, we have to do it damaged and hurt. don't get me wrong, we will get through this, there is simply no other choice. I'm just pissed that I have to. People have asked me how I can blame God for this, they say He had nothing to do with it. I don't see anyone else in charge around here, do you? Bottom line, I don't understand. People say to accept, that God knows what He's doing. This is God's will? This mind numbing, gut wrenching, angry, bitter place I'm walking through, is God's will? Why? Why is this my path? I find myself asking again and again, why this happened, not just to me, but to one of the sweetest and most sensitive boys I've ever had the privilege to know. and really, I think that's where the anger actually stems from. I don't really care what I go through, I know I can handle it. But this time, this time God decided to pick on one of my kids. And that's something I just can't accept. The real anger stems from the fact that they are hurting and I can't see anyone else to blame. Patrick and Gabe did not deserve this. They've done nothing. Patrick had enough to deal with on his own, this is too much. I can only hope God knows what He's doing, cause it sure as hell doesn't look like it from down here.

i wonder

Does where we've been color who we are now, or does the person we are currently remain pretty much the same no matter what sort of much we wander through on the way through life? I have often asked myself over the course of this particular bump in the road who I am, feeling very much like Jean Val Jean in Les Mis. Who am I? But now I have to ask if I ever really knew myself before this. I surrounded myself with my things, the little minutes that make up our small universe, comforted by the contents of my room, my stuff. I was able to point to it, and say this is me, this place this space. Was I always in search of my self, or did I used to know and lost it because of the shift this event caused? Its brought to the surface many things I thought long gone, long since buried, and yet now I find myself wrestling with them again. what makes me who I am, who we all are? am I me because of my friends, or in spite of them? I can only give factual answers, I am a mom, an ex wife, a sister, a woman. what else? I am a survivor, and sometimes a warrior. I find myself looking back on who I was 6 months ago, passably contented with the status quo, and not knowing of I was lost then too, only turning my head so I couldn't see, wouldn't see. I think its vital in each of our journeys that we ask ourselves this question at least once, and find an answer we are content with. I need to know who am i now? Who was I then? maybe in order to answer the first question, I must answer the second. I don't think we will be able to automatically return to our former lives the minute we return to the house. The trust we had in the universe has been badly shaken, and that will not be restored overnight. Maybe not at all. Its just how it works. I will be seeking the new normal, and can only hope I like what I find when I get there.

opportunities

I got the rare opportunity this weekend to see myself through the eyes of my friends, through the lens of who I was years ago. Rarely do we get the chance to take stock of ourselves via other people eyes. I remember so clearly who I was in school, and one minute back on campus and I can feel that person start to bubble top the surface. She was young, and very naive, although she would have denied it at the time, thinking herself worldly and mature. I look at myself now, a little battle scarred, but wiser. I don't remember being afraid then, but I am now, sometimes. I fear what might be, I fear was was and has been. School was marked for me with long periods of abject silliness, and those memories still make me smile. Not to say there weren't some dark places along the way, but I had people around me that cared what happened to me. I never appreciated the value of those people until now. Some of them I still talk to, some have fallen by the wayside. When we left school we said we'd be friends forever, and that didn't happen with all of them. I miss those we have misplaced along the way. The ones that remain are all the more valuable because they remain, for now I see how fragile and fleeting we sometimes are in each others life. I would not have made it through some dark scary things without these people there. And yet, I like the person I am now, more than the girl there was, in some ways. I no longer care what the world thinks, and that girl cared too much. I know now what I can do, because I've done it, I am doing it. Those people are still by my side, still willing to listen, and because of that, because of them, I am still here. Only now I see them for the value they hold. I am starting to believe, I just might find my way through this morass, because of these people. In each of them is a peice of who I would like to be, who I hope to become, and I can take that with me now.

going home

I had hoped getting away from my life might give me some perspective on it. I had hoped time in the silence of my own head might allow me a break. In a way, I was right. Thursday was 9 hours of my own thoughts and it was a unusual experience to say the least. I cant remember the last time I have been left alone in any kind of silence. My kids are still waiting for me at home and the stress of my life is not being put on hold. I'm simply separated myself from it for a few days. Patrick is still acting badly, Gabriel is still missing mom, and my mom is still falling apart. Why did I do this trip this weekend? There was a fair amount of guilt over leaving in the first place, feeling as if I was running away from my family. If it weren't for my kids, I wouldn't want to go home at all. But I also know all I would be doing is running away, and as I have proven in the past, running away only postpones the problems, not really fixes them. Patrick has been diagnosed with PTSD, and hes on Zoloft now. I don't know how I feel about that. It has taken the edge off the anxiety, and for the first time since the fire, he feels his sad. And probably feels his angry although he hasn't voiced that yet. He seems to be getting worse, not better, and I keep hoping if I can hang on just one more day I can get us through this. All this falls on to my shoulders and I worry that I'm not up to the challenge. I can only hope I am. At this point all I'm hoping is the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train. I want to fix this, and I can't. Even after the dark place I went through in college, I do not ever remember feeling so helpless and in effective before now. I'm still looking for control. But, yet this weekend was key to my own sanity. I remembered to laugh this weekend. I remembered I love my friends, and that no matter how it may feel I am not alone in this process. Just as I would have theirs, they have mine. That thought alone could see me through some very dark places, for I fear this journey has a few miles yet to go before I sleep. With friends like mine, I can do this. I hope.

How do I hate thee, let me count the ways

Nothing drives me much crazier than cleaning up someone else's mess. I know, I have kids, it comes as part of the package, but it still makes me nuts. I accept consequences for my own actions, my own messes, and know that if I screw it up I must clean it up. I am working so hard right now to get my kids through this, to get my mother through this, to get the family through this in tact with whats left of our sanity in tact. I DID NOT make this mess. This is not my fault, and yet, as usual here I am with the Lysol in one hand and the brush in the other trying to set everything to rights again. WHY exactly is this my job again? Mostly cause no one else is able t0 step up and do it. I have to, or we'll fall apart. My mom has become ten years older since the fire. she's forgetful; and a little doddering. Not that she sees it of course. I do everything for everyone, and yet it never seems to get any better. Spray and scrub and the mess spreads further. There are days I want to throw my hands up and walk away from all of this, and tell everyone they are on their own. I won't of course. What about me? As I move along, cleaning up the mess dropped by others, I leave my own trail of debris behind me. I must clean that as well. Since I make little progress I feel like I never actually get anywhere. Am I whining again? Maybe. I'm OK with that. I think that's part of the purpose this blog serves. If no one else is listening, this space is a place that is listening. I'm losing control. No I never had control of this. It spun wildly away from me the moment the first spark touched down unseen in the dark of my bedroom. I have discarded most of the what if's, as I can see they are useless and a waste of energy. All the wishing in the world can't unbake this. Reality is very real, and not likely to change any time soon. I'm going away for a weekend in Oct, and already I'm made to feel guilty that I'm leaving. I need a break and no one sees how thin I've been stretched recently. everyone has gotten a break, in some cases for weeks at a time, except for me. Mom thinks I should take the boys. Ummm, no. This is my time and I'm to claim it as I'm due. I can't take care of anyone else if I don't take care of me. Maybe they will appreciate me a little more when I get back .

an interesting twist.

Look at my post with the pictures of the rainbows. Then go back an reread the first post i ever did, and look at the first picture I included. I swear it was not intentional. Fascinating. Part of me would like to see as some kind of divine message, but the realistic side of me knows its coincidence. The other side speaks up again, saying there is no such thing as coincidence. Most I just say, well, would you look at that.

why why why why

Why did this happen? I have asked that question a 1000 times and yet the answer eludes me. Why? I am a Virgo, and as such I love to analyze things until I feel I completely understand it. I truly believe what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger. Frankly, I have been through worse. That was an interesting thought that occur ed to me last night. This is bad, real tough. But I have been through much worse. This is only the physical, the material that was damaged. I have waded through much darker places and always managed, somehow to come out the other side one way or another. I guess I'm starting to think maybe we will with this too. If I can get through some of the places I have been, including the destruction of a marriage among other things, this too shall pass. Interestingly enough, Patrick told me the other day he feels like he's the only one who is not over this. I almost laughed. I explained to him that even though it may seem like the rest of the family has not been as affected as he was, that grownups just don't show things the way kids do. I assured him I was no way over this yet. I can only hope I'm doing this right, if there is a right way. Maybe any way that gets you through it is all right, as long as you don't hurt anyone else in the process.