not not not fair.

I am trying to get my son to sleep, tonight before his first day of school and his anxiety is flaring flaring flaring, and I'm becoming so resentful of this whole mess that all I can think is this is not fair! All I ever wanted was a quiet contented life with children and a man I could love and trust. The man turned out to be a total loss and the kids are the best part of our ill fated union. I got no quiet comfortable life all I got is a fire and loss. I know I should take a moment and step back and count my blessings but it seems any more all I get is angry. I know a good part of that has to do with the fire, but I think more to the point, the fire has brought other issues that were hidden to the surface. The anger, the resentment has always been there, only in much smaller amounts, over much less significant things. I love my kids, and I truly believe they are the main thing getting me through this, because I have to hold it together for them. But as I'm making lunches, and he stands in the kitchen crying because I'm not sitting next to him constantly, all I can think is this is not fair. I know, life is not fair, get used to it. Why did this happen t us, to him? Pat is the gentlest, most sensitive creature I have ever had the privilege to know, but these anxiety issues wear me down. I have to wonder where is the balance between finding the strength to guide him through this and being completely controlled by a child and his wavering emotions? Sometimes, when he flares like this I get to tired of always having to be the strong one, and always be the one to hold it together. But that seems to be my role in life. I should count my blessings, and I will begin with the 9 year old boy who is finally sleeping next to me.