too too long

I have been unable to post, as I don't know where to begin on how I really feel about all of this. I know the money issue is getting in the way of my truly moving past this, at least for now. For those of you I haven't vented to recently, the insurance company has issued us our check. When we first filed the claim, i had to provide a separate list as to the contents of my room, as nothing in there was identifiable. I think the money from the list belongs to me. Mom gets the check, and its safely tucked away for now. don't get me wrong I don't think she'll be irresponsible with it, but I bought the things in my room with my money, and now i am slowly slowly replacing them with my own money. It just doesn't seem fair. I'm working on changing this. I wonder if I let me pride get in the way. From now on, if I need something for me or the boys that we used to have beforehand, she will be paying for it. Simple as that. Sneakers, fall clothes, winter coats, camping gear, cub scout uniforms, furniture, cosmetics. That goes for them and me. she wants to be this way, fine. she can just get used to handing me her credit card. Even to m,y ears that sounds childish, but a big part of me has just seriously stopped caring what anyone else thinks about anything. I love her for what she's done, but i'm done looking out for anyone but me and mine.

looking for joy

I need to start my life, myself over. I see now I need to re-evaluate my world and my place in it. Looking back, I can see I was unhappy but the status quo stopped me from questioning my environment. A dramatic event, good or bad, can give you clarity. That is what seems to be happening here. The smoke is starting to clear, and i find myself looking at buying a house, and almost done school, and find myself with a small degree of hope for the first time in many many months. So I make it my mission, at least for now, to look for joy in my life. Originally it was the rainbow at the beach. I'm not saying that I'm to be going through my life all Pollyana-ish or anything, just to make a point of looking for things that lift me up. Every once in a while something will get to me, like while I'm making a cake for my sons party next tomorrow. I am making a Transformers cake, and i needed a container to put it in when finished. We USED to have one that would have been perfect, but its gone now. I looked every where only to find nothing. Little things like that will sneak up on me and be waiting to bite me in the butt. I expect this to happen for quite some time to come. But life continues to move whether you're ready for it or not. I have decided to keep up. I lost my power somewhere along the way and this could be the beginning of the journey that helps me reclaim it. I'll keep you posted where I end up next. As soon as I figure it out myself, that is.

starting with me

Where am I now? Floundering in my life at this moment. I'm used to order and structure, and this has caused me to question everything that is and was in my life. My job is the pits and I think about quitting everyday, and my existence is in a a huge state of flux. I think when this section of my life rolls past me I will not know who I used to be. I find myself wanting to do things very out of character, like learn to ride a motorcycle, for the sole reason they scare the hell out of me. I've had it pounded into my head that they are death traps on wheels forever, and maybe that's not true. I was told many things, if you lead a good life and try to be a good person, good things will come to you. That God will protect you. That God is kind. I question that as well now. I find myself questioning everything I have ever known and believed to be true. nothing is solid for me anymore. I can't go to church because I'm SO pissed off at God that I can't even set foot in the place. I look for something solid to start from, and find only shifting sand beneath my feet. I have to believe there will come a time when I will find solid ground again, but know not when. I want my life back the way it was, but slowly, slowly I'm coming to terms with the fact that that is never going to happen. Even when we move back, it will never be the same. I need to get to know the new, and as time passes the new normal will not seem different anymore.

Oh happier notes, we've had progress at the house! We have new garage doors, and shutters, even if they are glaringly white right now. and were in the process of starting to discuss paint colors for the rooms. I'm going to post pictures later this week of the whitest garage doors in history.

Where am i?

Anytime something drastic has happened in my life, a breakup, a baby, moving, something drastic has to happen, usually involving my hair. As anyone who knows me for anything of time, knows my hair is a permanent work in progress. I know why I do this, it restores a sense of control to me that otherwise is misplaced. It allows me to feel in control of myself, even if that is the only thing I can control. Now, something like this happens, and all control has been lost. But the quandry I find myself in right now is that for once, I kind of like my hair and don't want to change it, and I recognize that it will not give me the feeling I crave. This is bigger than a small change to restore me. There's only one solution, I need a new tattoo. Check out the design on my profile and tell me what you think. I have two already and its time to add to the collection.

This represents where I'm trying to get to. It does get better and there is always hope. We saw this at the beach and I choose to take it as a reminder that I am not alone in this thing, and I never was.

This was my moms room, or whats left of it, because of the smoke damage, they had to strip the room to its walls and start over.

The picture below is the view from downstairs facing my and Gabe's rooms.

This picture below is facing the front door. It all looks so hollow now, its hard to accept we will live here again.

The stairs heading up to the second floor. The white stuff you will see on every durface is some stuff they spray on the wood to get rid of the heavy smoky smell. I hope it works.

This is the living room, where we watched TV. It looks so odd now, so empty now. I find it hard some times to remember what it was like living there, like it was a lifetime ago.

control

It all comes down to control, if you want to survey the issue in its entirety. I lost total control over every aspect of my life in one fell swoop, and it shook me to the core. I am always, and pride myself on being in control. I had things that were well and truly MINE, that I didn't have to share with anyone. I lost all of that. I no longer have anything that's just MINE. I am working on that now. I want to re-establish my life, start over. I could look at this as the worst thing that ever happened to me, or possibly the best. this was my warning shot. It could have been SO much worse than it was. I could have lost my kids, I could have lost my brother, the pets my mom, my life. This could be a disaster, or it could be just the wake up call I needed that I need to re-evaluate my place in this world. I'm looking at thing with new eyes now, like I hadn't seen it before. I'm thinking about writing again, taking cooking classes, maybe doing karate. It has started with my diet. I've regained control of my eating habits and am starting to undo the damage the last few months has done to my waist line. Its only my jumping off point. Check with me later tonight to see new pictures of the construction inside the house.

I want to say I'm moving forward. Maybe progress is not moving backwards. i feel a change coming, growing inside of me. This period of time, as I look back is going to be a defining moment of my life, one that changes everything I think I know and feel. I know there will come a time, when I look back on the time before the fire and wonder if what I was thinking. Why I didn't see it...whatever it is. I know I'm changing, and that makes me nervous, as change always does. I like the status quo and get a little bent out of shape if someone rocks the boat. And when its GOD who rocks the boat, well I get seriously pissed.

You must understand, God and I have had issues for a while now, since he took my dad from me, entirely too early by my opinion. I was, and still am to some degree pissed about that, but I like to think we were slowly working through it. I had at least resumed talking to him, although haltingly with a touch of resentment on my part. I was beginning to see that somethings you need to accept as the will of God and move on. Death in a part of life no matter how much we try to fight it. Death is sad but natural.

But this??? How exactly is THIS mess the will of God. I used to believe everything He did had a purpose, but now I have to wonder. What purpose could there possibly be to take away everything that ever gave me a sense of security? Perhaps, in a logical sense I am now to look for my sense of security within myself and not within the Things. I could see the logic in that. I still hate it though. I have to wonder why He felt this need to strip me bare, as it were, and leave me with only myself to lean on.

I can honestly say I have never felt as Alone as I did those first few weeks after the fire. I know now there is a place past that feeling. I'm just not quite there yet. But I feel maybe just maybe I'm on my way.