I was coming out of Target tonight, my mind racing with the information of both a therapist and a psychiatrist and a son who is falling deeper and deeper into the depths of PTSD. I feel like I'm losing my son little by little, piece by piece and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Both professionals agree there's a problem and its in the process of being addressed. All I know is I want my kid back the way he used to be. Anyway, I was coming out of Target, and the pictures above represent what I saw in the parking lot. I stopped, stared for a full couple of minutes, unable to tear my eyes away. I started to think about rainbows, and what they once represented in our biblical history. I have always thought a rainbow was a sign from God, because in order to see one, the circumstances have to be exactly right. There almost has to be a divine hand involved to see something so perfect, so fleeting. Once upon a time a rainbow represented a promise to us from God. I think it still does. This experience with the fire has rocked my faith like nothing before it, and I find myself questioning over and over why God had chose my family to give this to. I sat and looked at the rainbow, surprised to feel tears prick the backs of my eyes. I have been angry, very very angry for a while now. I looked and looked at this visual in front of me and found myself wondering if this was meant for me. This was followed with thinking how selfish this kind of thinking was, like this kind of creation could possibly be just for me. Yeah right. I wondered again, was God trying to get me a message? Was He trying to tell me, remind me that He is still here, and that I have not been left alone in this wilderness? I am not ready yet to begin the conversation with Him, not just yet, but maybe I needed a reminder that with all this stress and all this self doubt I have been wading through, this could possibly serve as reminder that its dark right now but I'm heading in the right direction. I am feeling very lost, but maybe I've at least got my feet on the right path.

to love another person

Is to see the face of God. This is the last line in Les Mis,which I have been listening to obesssively rhis week. I find the saga of loss and suffering comforting somehow.This story is so dark. And yet the characters find their redemption in the end. This gives me hope there could be peace at last, one day for me and my family. I hate this mess for me, but more I hate it for my kids. Patrick is hurting and for the first time I can't fix it. Mommy has no bandaid big enough to cover this hurt. So we trot off to the therapist and the psychaitrist is hopes this too shall pass. This will be a defining moment is his and my life. I need to be stronger than ever to guide them through this with as little damage as possible. I believe we are not given more than we can handle. So I have to hope God knows what He's doing. I sure don't.

not not not fair.

I am trying to get my son to sleep, tonight before his first day of school and his anxiety is flaring flaring flaring, and I'm becoming so resentful of this whole mess that all I can think is this is not fair! All I ever wanted was a quiet contented life with children and a man I could love and trust. The man turned out to be a total loss and the kids are the best part of our ill fated union. I got no quiet comfortable life all I got is a fire and loss. I know I should take a moment and step back and count my blessings but it seems any more all I get is angry. I know a good part of that has to do with the fire, but I think more to the point, the fire has brought other issues that were hidden to the surface. The anger, the resentment has always been there, only in much smaller amounts, over much less significant things. I love my kids, and I truly believe they are the main thing getting me through this, because I have to hold it together for them. But as I'm making lunches, and he stands in the kitchen crying because I'm not sitting next to him constantly, all I can think is this is not fair. I know, life is not fair, get used to it. Why did this happen t us, to him? Pat is the gentlest, most sensitive creature I have ever had the privilege to know, but these anxiety issues wear me down. I have to wonder where is the balance between finding the strength to guide him through this and being completely controlled by a child and his wavering emotions? Sometimes, when he flares like this I get to tired of always having to be the strong one, and always be the one to hold it together. But that seems to be my role in life. I should count my blessings, and I will begin with the 9 year old boy who is finally sleeping next to me.

too too long

I have been unable to post, as I don't know where to begin on how I really feel about all of this. I know the money issue is getting in the way of my truly moving past this, at least for now. For those of you I haven't vented to recently, the insurance company has issued us our check. When we first filed the claim, i had to provide a separate list as to the contents of my room, as nothing in there was identifiable. I think the money from the list belongs to me. Mom gets the check, and its safely tucked away for now. don't get me wrong I don't think she'll be irresponsible with it, but I bought the things in my room with my money, and now i am slowly slowly replacing them with my own money. It just doesn't seem fair. I'm working on changing this. I wonder if I let me pride get in the way. From now on, if I need something for me or the boys that we used to have beforehand, she will be paying for it. Simple as that. Sneakers, fall clothes, winter coats, camping gear, cub scout uniforms, furniture, cosmetics. That goes for them and me. she wants to be this way, fine. she can just get used to handing me her credit card. Even to m,y ears that sounds childish, but a big part of me has just seriously stopped caring what anyone else thinks about anything. I love her for what she's done, but i'm done looking out for anyone but me and mine.

looking for joy

I need to start my life, myself over. I see now I need to re-evaluate my world and my place in it. Looking back, I can see I was unhappy but the status quo stopped me from questioning my environment. A dramatic event, good or bad, can give you clarity. That is what seems to be happening here. The smoke is starting to clear, and i find myself looking at buying a house, and almost done school, and find myself with a small degree of hope for the first time in many many months. So I make it my mission, at least for now, to look for joy in my life. Originally it was the rainbow at the beach. I'm not saying that I'm to be going through my life all Pollyana-ish or anything, just to make a point of looking for things that lift me up. Every once in a while something will get to me, like while I'm making a cake for my sons party next tomorrow. I am making a Transformers cake, and i needed a container to put it in when finished. We USED to have one that would have been perfect, but its gone now. I looked every where only to find nothing. Little things like that will sneak up on me and be waiting to bite me in the butt. I expect this to happen for quite some time to come. But life continues to move whether you're ready for it or not. I have decided to keep up. I lost my power somewhere along the way and this could be the beginning of the journey that helps me reclaim it. I'll keep you posted where I end up next. As soon as I figure it out myself, that is.

starting with me

Where am I now? Floundering in my life at this moment. I'm used to order and structure, and this has caused me to question everything that is and was in my life. My job is the pits and I think about quitting everyday, and my existence is in a a huge state of flux. I think when this section of my life rolls past me I will not know who I used to be. I find myself wanting to do things very out of character, like learn to ride a motorcycle, for the sole reason they scare the hell out of me. I've had it pounded into my head that they are death traps on wheels forever, and maybe that's not true. I was told many things, if you lead a good life and try to be a good person, good things will come to you. That God will protect you. That God is kind. I question that as well now. I find myself questioning everything I have ever known and believed to be true. nothing is solid for me anymore. I can't go to church because I'm SO pissed off at God that I can't even set foot in the place. I look for something solid to start from, and find only shifting sand beneath my feet. I have to believe there will come a time when I will find solid ground again, but know not when. I want my life back the way it was, but slowly, slowly I'm coming to terms with the fact that that is never going to happen. Even when we move back, it will never be the same. I need to get to know the new, and as time passes the new normal will not seem different anymore.

Oh happier notes, we've had progress at the house! We have new garage doors, and shutters, even if they are glaringly white right now. and were in the process of starting to discuss paint colors for the rooms. I'm going to post pictures later this week of the whitest garage doors in history.

Where am i?

Anytime something drastic has happened in my life, a breakup, a baby, moving, something drastic has to happen, usually involving my hair. As anyone who knows me for anything of time, knows my hair is a permanent work in progress. I know why I do this, it restores a sense of control to me that otherwise is misplaced. It allows me to feel in control of myself, even if that is the only thing I can control. Now, something like this happens, and all control has been lost. But the quandry I find myself in right now is that for once, I kind of like my hair and don't want to change it, and I recognize that it will not give me the feeling I crave. This is bigger than a small change to restore me. There's only one solution, I need a new tattoo. Check out the design on my profile and tell me what you think. I have two already and its time to add to the collection.