part 2

So here's where my head was this weekend. I was hanging out on the beach with my two best boys on Saturday, having this completely Zen moment, watching my boys and other children on different races and cultures intermingling and playing together without a care in the world. These were people who in their regular lives wouldn't cross paths in their regular lives spending the day away from whatever stresses or sadness waits for them in their everyday life. My kids, and other kids, accepted Hispanic, black and Asian kids as readily as someone they saw everyday at school. I was pondering how the kids have it so right and we as adults have it so wrong.
So that's where i was coming from, and as the end drew on my time there, this pissiness began to creep inwards and got more and more pronounced. As I said earlier, it finally occurred to me I didn't want to go home. And it wasn't the kids, we had a great time this weekend. I simply didn't want to go back to any part of my life here. I had nothing to look forward to. Theres nothing in my life thats mine I know I've said that before. I played with so many ideas today, ranging from new ink to going blonde to packing us all up and starting over somewhere else, and everything in between. Nothing feels like the right choice. Usually when i find the right answer, it just clicks in my head, and nothing gave me that zing. So i look onward. I know what wont fix it. This cant be fixed by a guy, or a haircut or a new toy. I don't know how to fix this. I expect more of myself than this.
I think if i were to dig I would find that I do and do and do for everyone else, but rarely does anyone do back. This is not to whine and keep score and  moan poor poor me. Its just a fact. And there was a time I took pride in this role, being in control and in charge. But was this feeling of being in control an illusion? Maybe I only wanted to think I was in control, because it was what I needed to believe at the time. Bottom line here, my life is thoroughly off track. There is only one person fix this. I think up until this point I figured  something or someone would come along that would change this, and so far not so much. I think this is my time to find my own voice. I just wish I had some idea what I'm supposed to do now. I really cant just quit my job, I have kids who need me to work and pay the bills. I can say I'm gonna and think about it, but in reality my responsibilities have to take priority. My kids count on me to provide for them. I cant just pack up and move away, cause it would be detrimental to their well being after all they have been through in the past year. They are only now finding their security again and I cant yank that out from under them right now. So where does that leave me? Right in the same rut that got me on this tangent in the first place.
Is it possible I've been this off track for a while and I just hadn't seen it until now? Could it be said I've been covering for a while and i finally have some clarity? I keep asking myself what will fix this, what will make me smile at the end of the day? It could be possible this is a cumulation of stress from working everyday at a job that deadens my soul. I sometimes spend an hour plus at work sitting at my desk fantasizing about telling my boss I quit. But then when I'm out of money and still have no job, what do I do then? The car loan people do not care about my existential crisis. The bank does not care about my joy. I cannot buy groceries with thoughts about my inner workings. I love my kids, and I love them in my life. They are the one aspect that I wouldn't change a thing about. At least that much I do know.
I feel like there is something in myself that wants to be heard, but i dont know how to give it a voice. The essence of me and  what I have to offer is silent and waiting. I dont know how to look for it, how to identify that thing that is me. I can feel it there an sometimes I catch a glimpse of it, and then just as quickly its gone. I want more. I want to let that thing out.