Victim/survivor mentality

So I've never painted myself as a victim. I've always been proud of the things in my life that I've overcome and survived. I don't focus on the slings and slights that are part of the process of life. I try to rise above and not lower myself to their levels. I choose people to be close to me who only love and support me and what I want in life. I try all this, and what do I get? A constant stream of people who seem to feel the need to cut at me and swing at me whenever the opportunity arises. My mother calls me and makes a point of telling me that a friend I haven't seen in 20 years is at the beach. In the next breath tells me there is no room for me at the beach, and not to bother coming down. To me, that's just mean. This isn't just one time. People I choose to let close seem to take a fair amount of pleasure in taking digs like that. People I let in my choice feel the need to take advantage of my nature and take aim at me. This is a theme in my life that has repeated itself many many times. I sit here and ask myself why is this my fate? What am I doing wrong that people close feel no remorse for hurting me? I rise above, I move past. I ignore deflect and defend. It rarely does any good. It only happens again and again. So often the damage leaves no marks, but small scars only I can see, forming and intricate pattern across my skin describing poor choices in my past. I wish it were just her. Its really not. The list goes on and on. I can't say I allow it, but what do I do to prevent it? I've been told in the past that I should retaliate every time, but I don't know if I have that in my nature. Maybe I need to change. Maybe I need to be a castrating bitch. Maybe if I push first people won't feel the need to see what I'll let them get away with. Maybe this is just part of the human experience. I don't know. All I know is I'm really exhausted from wondering where the attack is coming from and how I will need to defend myself this time. I don't know anymore. Maybe I really am too nice. Funny thing is I always thought it was one on my better character features. Maybe mean really is better.
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Questions questions questions

I find myself stopping and starting this entry, asking myself just how honest do I really want to be? How much of myself am I willing to reveal, and if I’m not willing to show myself, what is the purpose of this exercise at all? If I continue to hide things, am I really doing any kind of a service to myself or to anyone who might actually happen to read this? Do I hide them because I’m not willing to admit it myself yet? It’s so easy to reveal the inner workings of my kids and the things they are experiencing, but when it comes to me, what’s really going on inside, I mitigate the content, choosing not to reveal as much. Why am I so afraid to show myself? Perhaps I fear rejection at some base level. Perhaps there is the fear people will tell me I’m crazy and not to think that way. Maybe I already know I’m wrong and I don’t want to hear the confirmation from others. I don’t know, and yet I still sit here and struggle with this. I can honestly say I don’t know which direction I’m going to go just yet. Maybe I’m afraid to go after what I want. Maybe I don’t want to admit that I want what I do. If that’s the case, why am I afraid to admit what I want? Is it because it will risk me condemnation from those I’m closest to? And yet that doesn’t stop what I feel. Following what I feel when it comes to my personal life has almost never taken me anywhere positive. Maybe this time I need to follow my head instead. Does that mean risking a shallow meaningless interactions because the right answer is only the right answer on paper? If I land in a stable contented place, does it really matter how I got there? I find myself at a cross roads with no distinct signs to tell me which way to go. Both ways have their own pitfalls. It comes down to asking myself who I can trust. The answer of course is neither but for totally different reasons. The only person I can really trust is myself. Maybe the right answer is none of the above. I think that’s what scares me most of all, finding out later on I chose wrong and the right answer was neither. Maybe I should choose myself for once instead of something else.  And I don’t have any clear answers. Maybe I’ve revealed more here than I realized. Maybe it’s all out there now for the world to see and I only think I’m hiding. Doesn’t matter I said what I think I needed to and that’s the whole point.

 

 

the anxiety monster

My heart breaks just a little for my son. He battles demon every day that only he can see and no one else can truly help him with. It whispers to him, sometimes I think telling him only the scariest possible outcomes can be had from any situation. this monster exists only in his mind of course, but its as real to him as the stars at night are to everyone else. His anxiety monster doesn't roar or gnash teeth, its almost silent, telling to be fearful, that he's just not good enough and he's not capable of handling anything. He withdrawals when the monster whispers, hiding behind a mask of reserved silence, finding comfort and escapism in video games and beloved stuffed animals. No child should have to grow up feeling this way. No one should have to face a new day battling against uncertainty and a lack of self worth. I think back to how his face glows when he does something he's proud of. If you could plug him in he'd light a room. But those moments are fleeting. Soon enough, he's being left behind or ignored by those outside the family and the vicious cycle begins again. I find myself asking if I feed into this. I comfort, I reassure and help him think through things. And I truly helping or am I a crutch he will never outgrow? Change, even a seemingly small change is so very hard for him. Something like starting a new school year causes weeks of stress and gives the monster entirely too much fuel to grow with. The whispers have such credence to him. "What if no one likes you?" "What if you have no friends?" "What if the bus driver yells?" These are not hurdles a 5th grader should have to cross, as they had been long ago conquered and defeated. I watch his friends, and see none of this. They carry with them their armor, the unshakable sense that the world is safe and predictable and bad things exist only on the nightly news. Pat has none of that. He knows how suddenly this world can shift. He faces the smaller monster we all do, armed only with a much larger monster that reminds him his own father cast him aside. I cannot understand his fear, but I hurt for it just the same. I cannot fight this monster for him. I hand him small weapons I have found useful in the past in fighting some of my own demons. Some he uses, some are to unwieldy for him to manage. My heart breaks just a little as he sleeps because only in that place is the monster truly silent. Sleep eludes him frequently as the monsters whispers become more urgent, and time presses closer. And there is little I can do. That is the hardest part of all. He needs to find his own way to silence him once and for all. I hand him weapons, psychiatrists and therapists and they do shore up his armor, but at the end of the day, it is only him who can fight this. I can only hope its enough. I can't make him see himself as others do, as a funny spirited intelligent boy with a knack for technology and a passion for swimming. They see awkward. They see shy. They see lazy and disorganized and weird. Most people never see he is none of these things. They see what the anxiety monster wants them too. Perhaps we will be able to silence him some day, once and for all. I dream of that, for him to see himself as I do, smart, resilient and perfect. Its time for you to go now monster, were done with you here.

mea culpa

I am not a strong person. I pretend I am, and I can play the part as well as anyone, but in reality, I am not. In order to figure out where I should be I need to identify where I am and call it by name. I go along to get along. With everyone. I concern myself more with making the other people happy than I do with myself happy. I live to please the rest of the world. Even if it means denying who I am in the process. I recently found myself in a situation where I bent and twisted in order to create the person I thought that person wanted me to be. Maybe if I could be what ihe needed he would stop acting like he was. You know, it really doesn't work that way. I completely lost myself for a few days in the process. I have been given a few days of quiet in my own head, as there is no one in the house but for me and the kids for the next week. Its an interesting place to be in, as the kids have been in bed for some time and I've had nothing but the quiet I have so craved in my own head. I'm not happy, but that statement isn't enough to describe where I find myself. I'm not happy and I haven't been for a really really long time. I can't live like this anymore. As many of you know I have been looking for work for sometime without a great deal of success. Even as I look I can only think..."What's the point?" I have lived to make my mom and kids happy but its gotten me only to this place. My voice, my light is silent. I know, I feel I am meant for something different, but I don't know what it is. I am not strong enough. Those people closest to me will debate this as I have survived some ugliness in my life, but I see that as a further example that I'm right. Those experiences color my reactions to the world even now. I lived guided by what might be, a twinge of fear that infects my every interaction with those around me. I'm not a strong person, in most occasions I will give someone the answer I think they are looking for in order to keep the peace. Living under some peoples thumb for too long has poisoned my ability to fight back. Keep the peace, go along to get along,give them what they want. I don't know if I even know how to speak my mind anymore. I don't like choices I've made or some things I've done. I'm not proud of myself. I don't think I've done many things worthy of it. This does not mean I have poor feelings about everything I've done, just for the record. I know when it comes to my kids I'm on the right track. But the choice to just do what I'm told becomes stronger and stronger with every year that passes. I have to call the darker parts of myself what they are, and the only way to do that is to put it all out there for the world to see. A wound heals best when exposed to the air. This cannot continue or I'll not survive intact. I have bent too far and completely lost myself along the way. This is not enough. I need so so so much more.

changing

So...today i chopped off all my hair, well most of it anyway. (I'll post pictures later) the last week has been memorable, but sadly for all the wrong reasons. Between heavy ugliness in my personal life and having my car broken into and realizing dreams I have are further away than I would like to believe, I have had a tough week. In response to all this stress, I cut off my hair. I have found altering something I can control can help, at least temporarily restore my equilibrium and sense of being able to affect my own life. This week has left me questioning almost everything i thought, and everytrhing I took for granted. Some people were not quite what they seemed. Maya Angelou said once "When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time." I chose to believe this person this time and made some choices in my life because of it. I hear a voice in my head, as I look around at where I am, and it tells me 'this isn't so bad, accept it, this is your fate to remain in this stasis you call home'. I cannot believe that. Even as I hear it said, something in me rebels like a hormonal teenager. No, my heart cries, this can't be it, this can't be all there is. I want, I need so much more. I ask myself if I'm greedy to want more than I have.

I feel good though, because for maybe the first time in my life I stood up to a situation that was unacceptable and didn't go along to get along. I found my backbone and called it by name, not sugar coating or lying about it. I didn't accept good enough as good enough. I know I deserve more. As can be seen in my dating history, I'm not known for being very good and calling people on lousy behavior. In the past i have accepted things I should not have because I wanted and needed that person to accept and validate me. I sought my identity through them, trying to become what would make them happy. I saw myself starting to do that again with this person. anything to make them happy. And hey even if this person made my cry sometimes, that's just how it goes right? This time, I saw it for exactly what it was and didnt pretend I didn't see it. I validated myself. Feels pretty good. There's more to come, in the more mundane aspects of my life, I want more. (I also want another tattoo, that will be very soon for sure) I have avioded getting one because 'some' people wouldnt like it. People might dissapprove, might say something.  Fuck em. I seem to have stumbled across my voice somewhere along the way. Funny thing is, the person who triggered this whole post might just be part of the reason I found it. Yeah, there's some irony there for sure. I am worthy, not because of who i'm with, but because of who I am. I don't totally buy this yet, but the seed has been planted.

unedited

I told a friend of mine that she should write a post that is no hold barred honest, and i saw later that I've never really done that myself. If your feeling sensitive, stop reading now.I'm done. I'm done hiding and done pretending.  All the time I've been writing this, i know who reads it and who doesn't, and due to that i have edited what i say and how i say in in the effort of protecting those who's feelings might be dinged by what i say here. I'm doing no one any favors that way. The whole point of this is the figure out what my fucking problem is and why I'm pissed off and frustrated all the time. I'm so done with all that. i don't care what anyone thinks anymore. If i hurt your feelings, please address it with me directly and i woulds be glad to open a discussion of it with you. I'm done pretending. The only editing I'm going to do to this entry is in my spelling. If i hurt your feelings, and you feel the need to not talk to me anymore, then fuck you. I'm angry, I'm  really fucking angry.i 'm frustrated and becoming a little bitter day by day. This does not mean mean there are not moments where my kids make me laugh ,like crazy and i can just relax and just be silly. Count your blessings, i say, and i do., more and more often every day. I make myself stop and tell myself that i have so much to be grateful for and it does help, for a bit. My ex husband dropped has responsibility's towards his children like a bad suit and yet he gets to live like  normal person even though he dropped his kids like a habit. I am here every day reading stories and handing out band aids and truly loving every moment of it, cause this is the one place in life I know just how lucky i really am. They are my gift. They are what gets me up in the morning and what gives me my smile when i go to bed at night. I am angry because the situation I'm in right now is so fucking unfair that i am forced to love with people that do not appreciate what i do for them day in and day out and have no appreciation for the effort i out forth to keep the house looking nice and presentable and i see no way of moving out right now no matter how big i talk. People, it's all a facade. I talk the talk about how i don't care what anyone else thinks and i don't need to find anyone Else's approval for my choices in life its all a facade., I care more than i should. I have not yet been able ton find that place inside of me that knows I'm ok without external validation and I'm still looking for it. Every day that goes by the things i want get further and further way and i wonder some,times if I'm ever going to get there. what do I want? My own place, somewhere where i can be to find out who Th fuck I am for the first time. somewhere where the choices i make on a daily basis aren't measured by what someone else will think. Even as i write this i tell myself that i shouldn't even say this cause there are some people who don't have a momentary and ill bet those people would trade the aggravation for having them for one more day. i know what i would give to have one more day with my dad. but yet, here i am. Struggling with the injustice of my personal situation. People around me get jobs and good ones that they have worked hard for. I don't know why I'm so pissed off all the time but i am going to give myself that voice and say that its ok that I'm angry and that I'm bitter and that I'm frustrated at my total lack of progress in my personal life. I do feel like I've missed the point in my own life but I'm in therapy now and i hope that will help shed some light on what my real problem really is. Cause really, i don't know. If you have insight, please feel free to let me know and isn't be polite, i would welcome your input. sometimes others can see things that we cannot or will not. I want your opinion even if you think what you have to say is gonna piss me off. The anger is there, and i can say that now. I'm angry, I'm frustrated and I'm pissed off and I'm bitter about where I've ended up. I hate people around me that get to shirk their responsibilities and reap the benefits that life has to offer. i hate that i have to clean up messes that other people make without a thought towards their consequences and the impact of their actions on others. I've told myself all this their karma will get those people in the end, but I'm going to draw short of calling those people what they are, cause at least i get to be the good person in comparison to them . Someone told me today better angry than sad cause angry is easier, but what if under all this angry and frustration i feel is really a lot of sad. What do i have to be sad about?  I have a good life and i should take pride in that, but its all a facade, really. I;m faking it trying to get other people i don't really know to accept me. Fuck them this is what i am . I'm tired of hiding, I'm tired of pretending. Please don't take this a cry for help, cause that's not what this is at all. I'm just done pretending. I'm done trying to be something else.  I feel more in control by calling things as they really are than i have in years. I know there is something more that I'm not seeing that is holding me back,  but I'm working on figuring out what that in in therapy. I'm trying to find my own voice and i realize now i don't even know what i want or what my own voice sounds like. I want my own place and i see other people letting their responsibilities to their children slide, and i want to blame them for where i am. I know there is some truth there for sure, they have to live with the weight of their choices. when their children want nothing to do with them, i hope they understand the true reason why. I am angry and I'm growing bitter and I'm still trying to figure out why. I'll let you know if i come up with something.

addendum

You gotta read the post just before this, or this one won't make much sense. Hell, maybe it won't anyway, at least not to anyone but me. I don't care.

Maybe it wasn't just me. Maybe she was angry too. She was invisible too, once. I can remember the stories told about her childhood, how other family members stood out above her, and she was the good girl. Maybe it was her too. Growing up, safety was her main concern. Ironic, right? Maybe that's cause she knew how dangerous people could be. Maybe. I may not ever answer these questions, but knowing to ask, maybe that's what matters most. I see patterns now I didn't before. I see trends and how elements of her life so closely mimic my own. Could be, there's a reason for that. Maybe, locked deep away, she's angry too. Its an interesting thought I hadn't had before that is worthy of further reflection.