unedited

I told a friend of mine that she should write a post that is no hold barred honest, and i saw later that I've never really done that myself. If your feeling sensitive, stop reading now.I'm done. I'm done hiding and done pretending.  All the time I've been writing this, i know who reads it and who doesn't, and due to that i have edited what i say and how i say in in the effort of protecting those who's feelings might be dinged by what i say here. I'm doing no one any favors that way. The whole point of this is the figure out what my fucking problem is and why I'm pissed off and frustrated all the time. I'm so done with all that. i don't care what anyone thinks anymore. If i hurt your feelings, please address it with me directly and i woulds be glad to open a discussion of it with you. I'm done pretending. The only editing I'm going to do to this entry is in my spelling. If i hurt your feelings, and you feel the need to not talk to me anymore, then fuck you. I'm angry, I'm  really fucking angry.i 'm frustrated and becoming a little bitter day by day. This does not mean mean there are not moments where my kids make me laugh ,like crazy and i can just relax and just be silly. Count your blessings, i say, and i do., more and more often every day. I make myself stop and tell myself that i have so much to be grateful for and it does help, for a bit. My ex husband dropped has responsibility's towards his children like a bad suit and yet he gets to live like  normal person even though he dropped his kids like a habit. I am here every day reading stories and handing out band aids and truly loving every moment of it, cause this is the one place in life I know just how lucky i really am. They are my gift. They are what gets me up in the morning and what gives me my smile when i go to bed at night. I am angry because the situation I'm in right now is so fucking unfair that i am forced to love with people that do not appreciate what i do for them day in and day out and have no appreciation for the effort i out forth to keep the house looking nice and presentable and i see no way of moving out right now no matter how big i talk. People, it's all a facade. I talk the talk about how i don't care what anyone else thinks and i don't need to find anyone Else's approval for my choices in life its all a facade., I care more than i should. I have not yet been able ton find that place inside of me that knows I'm ok without external validation and I'm still looking for it. Every day that goes by the things i want get further and further way and i wonder some,times if I'm ever going to get there. what do I want? My own place, somewhere where i can be to find out who Th fuck I am for the first time. somewhere where the choices i make on a daily basis aren't measured by what someone else will think. Even as i write this i tell myself that i shouldn't even say this cause there are some people who don't have a momentary and ill bet those people would trade the aggravation for having them for one more day. i know what i would give to have one more day with my dad. but yet, here i am. Struggling with the injustice of my personal situation. People around me get jobs and good ones that they have worked hard for. I don't know why I'm so pissed off all the time but i am going to give myself that voice and say that its ok that I'm angry and that I'm bitter and that I'm frustrated at my total lack of progress in my personal life. I do feel like I've missed the point in my own life but I'm in therapy now and i hope that will help shed some light on what my real problem really is. Cause really, i don't know. If you have insight, please feel free to let me know and isn't be polite, i would welcome your input. sometimes others can see things that we cannot or will not. I want your opinion even if you think what you have to say is gonna piss me off. The anger is there, and i can say that now. I'm angry, I'm frustrated and I'm pissed off and I'm bitter about where I've ended up. I hate people around me that get to shirk their responsibilities and reap the benefits that life has to offer. i hate that i have to clean up messes that other people make without a thought towards their consequences and the impact of their actions on others. I've told myself all this their karma will get those people in the end, but I'm going to draw short of calling those people what they are, cause at least i get to be the good person in comparison to them . Someone told me today better angry than sad cause angry is easier, but what if under all this angry and frustration i feel is really a lot of sad. What do i have to be sad about?  I have a good life and i should take pride in that, but its all a facade, really. I;m faking it trying to get other people i don't really know to accept me. Fuck them this is what i am . I'm tired of hiding, I'm tired of pretending. Please don't take this a cry for help, cause that's not what this is at all. I'm just done pretending. I'm done trying to be something else.  I feel more in control by calling things as they really are than i have in years. I know there is something more that I'm not seeing that is holding me back,  but I'm working on figuring out what that in in therapy. I'm trying to find my own voice and i realize now i don't even know what i want or what my own voice sounds like. I want my own place and i see other people letting their responsibilities to their children slide, and i want to blame them for where i am. I know there is some truth there for sure, they have to live with the weight of their choices. when their children want nothing to do with them, i hope they understand the true reason why. I am angry and I'm growing bitter and I'm still trying to figure out why. I'll let you know if i come up with something.