which way to go

When faced with a choice, how do you know which way to go? One of my biggest problems when making any choice, is I can always see too many options, too many choices. This is the place I find myself in now. I find myself standing at a crossroads, with a number of choices at my disposal. Due to some issues erupting in my personal life, I'm thinking about moving. I've planned to move out in feburary for a while now, but now, as my personal dissatisfaction grows with the mundane aspects of my life, I question if I were to move, where should I go. I see a crack in a door I always previously saw as being closed. Too many options wait on the other side. As my aggravation grows, I find me letting my mind wander to broader horizons, further shores. I ask myself again, as before, what do I want? I draw a blank at the place where there should be an answer. My biggest fear is I will get stuck in this morass of indecision and do nothing at all, remaining in the place I'm in now. That option leads only to a growing sense of dissatisfaction and resentment. How is it possible I can't answer the simple question, what do I want? And if I don't know, how do I go about finding out? How does one dig for answers in their own selves? What stands in my own way, that I can't see far enough into myself to know what I need to be happy? I am choosing to focus on what I do know for now, I know what I'm doing now isn't working. I know the potential for me to do nothing needs to be guarded against by small careful steps in the direction of my dreams. I just wish I knew what direction I'm supposed to be heading. I fantasize about a guarding angel coming down and pointing the way, but since I don't live in a romance novel, it isn't going to happen. I need to find my way through this, I know the journey is part of the process of getting to know myself. Happiness will come when I'm listening to that voice within me that guides me. I'll let you know when I figure something out.

so DAMN nice

An interesting thing, to wander through the recesses of my memory and look at the images in my mind of who I used to be once upon a time. Over the course of a long conversation with a great friend, we talked about who we were way back when, versus who we are now and who we have become. I found it interesting that although I never noticed the process, how much I have changed internally since then. Not all of it for the better. The first thought I had was “When did I become so fucking NICE?” Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with being a nice person, I become a person who is nice to fault and bends over sideways to meet the needs of other people without any mind for their own wants and needs. This is not who I was in college, for example. I earned and enjoyed the title of castrating bitch. I was sarcastic and I was a smart ass. When my boyfriend at the time spent time in line flirting with the girl in front of us. He knew I was unhappy about it loud and clear. When I had something to say, I said it. When a person I once was friends with sent me a snide and underhanded letter, I didn’t hide in my room and sniffle and fume about it. If I found myself in that same situation, id toss the letter aside, pretend like it didn’t matter and move on. At that time, I went up to her and called her on it, right then and there. And she and I fought about it until we’d resolved it. We yelled, called names and I acted like my opinion mattered. When the fuck did that change? If someone treated me badly, it wasn’t uncommon for me to let them know they were out of line. Usually loudly and with swearing. Although that girl who went to college was far from perfect and not ideal, I miss her. She knew who she was, and she defended herself. I don’t know what happened along the way that I started to think of everyone else before I gave myself a passing thought. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Even now, as I recognize this, the act of standing up for myself and calling people on mistreatment is not a comfortable one for me at all. But, I can do it. When did that part of me start to slip away and why didn’t I see it as it left? This is not to say of course I will stop being nice entirely. I have a kind and generous side that I’m proud of and would like to nourish. This side of me would do anything for someone who deserves it. That’s the key, for someone who deserves it. This side of me can co-exist with the side of me that’s not going to let it slide when people are hurtful, careless or unkind with their thought or actions. We teach people how to treat us, and I’ve been sending the wrong lessons into the world. I still know what I’m made of; I just want other people to see it too. But in order for them to see it, I have to show it to them first. People have treated me badly in the past because I have allowed it and not handed out any repercussions for their poor choices. This aspect of who I have become is going to stop. Once upon a time I called someone out for their inability to treat me the way I deserved, and it got me nowhere. I think it may have started there. I actually listened to that person who was disrespectful of my voice. That person was wrong and I knew that then too. I have let that experience, and some that followed it, color the way I allowed the world to treat me. I know I have value. Now just need to make sure the rest of the world is reminded of that too. I’m tired of being nice all the time and not allowing myself a say in my own life. You only get one time around in this life, and a day unhappy is too much to waste, once you see the things holding you back. See you on the next step of this journey!

is it me, or is it Memorex?

How much of our reactions and emotions tied to things are really authentically us, and how much are reactions based on prior experiences? As I try to sort my head out, the challenges of being in a relationship rear their ugly head and I am forces to wonder what’s real and what’s a knee jerk reaction not based in reality? We’ve all experienced something like this, I think. You go out, meet someone interesting and funny, but he wears the same cologne as the first boy to ever break your heart. Within minutes the attraction dies. Did the initial reaction simply fade, or was the ingrained memory in your head simply too much for your psyche to move past? I find myself wrestling with these and similar questions as I move forward, asking myself at what point does the past truly become the past, a closed door we can walk away from? Or, does it ever really become the past? Do shadows of who we were and what we’ve experienced become a part of ourselves, never to be made separate? And if the latter is true, then how do these past experiences color the current path we have chosen, and how do we separate legitimate relations from reflexes? I haven’t found the answer to any of this yet, but sometimes, just in the process of putting a question out there you can find the truth was right in front of you all along.



To be honest this isn’t something I’ve really wrestled with before. With my marriage it was very superficial and we rarely talked about anything from before, as he felt it was too much information, and well, his background was mostly lies I found out later. With other people I’ve dated they simply never lasted long enough for it to ever be an issue. But now, as I question the path of my future, I find myself asking myself this and trying to look within myself and see if the experiences in my past color my reactions. Is it possible to separate the two objectively and say, oh that’s just from that time before, not from anything I’m seeing now? How does one find out if how you feel about a certain something is based on a gut instinct that needs to be heeded, or if it’s just residue? Do I want what I want because it’s what I truly want, or do I want it because it somehow falls into line with what my past experiences say I should have? Or, do I want something because it’s what people around me want, and I look to please those around me to the point their wants merge with my own?

I believe before you can find an answer of any kind, you must first clarify the question. I think the real question I’m asking here is how do you know your authentic self? What questions do you ask in order to be able to identify your true self, the one under all the noise and the nonsense? I haven’t figured that part out yet. All of us, as we travel through live pick up bits and pieces from those we have sustained contact with, and even of that person passes out of our life; we may carry a small part of the person with us. Is that authentically us? From that point forward, I think it can be.

Any insight, feel free to chime in! Thanks for listening!

going in a new direction

So the fire is behind us and I'm done school. I wondered for a while if maybe this blog had served its purpose and it was time to call it a night and move on. I wondered if I had anything left to say. And then my life took a left turn and I saw a the new direction I needed to go, and possibly the direction I've been waiting for. I am beginning to accept that there are things from when I'm young that I cannot remember. Its not the first time I've put things away in my mind because I'm simply not where I need to be to deal with it. My suspicions are not new to my reality. I've suspected for a while something lived there that I simply could not see. I tried not to ask many questions, as I figured if I didn't know maybe I was better off.

The church I grew up in is for sale. This piqued my curiosity and I found myself drawn to the old crumbling stone building. We attended this church until I was 12 or so. My kids asked my questions during the car ride there about my time there and I was surprised to realize how little I could remember. Out of all those years only a very small handful of memories exist. When I got there the doors were firmly locked but I was able to look in some windows and see some of the classrooms. Funny thing is, it was like looking at a place I'd never been. None of it was even a little familiar. Nothing I saw triggered any kind of memories as a child. I can't even put the pastors face in my head. Its like I never went there at all. I continued to wander around outside, looking in windows and looking at the faded facade and the only impression I got was a psychic wall that I could see past.

Much of me wants to leave this alone. Let sleeping dogs lie and all that. But as I go to sleep tonight I plan to ask to be shown what I may not be able to see. I just can't resist the desire to see what's missing. Knowledge is power. I don't like missing time. I don't like blank spots. Maybe nothing will come of it. And I'm ok with that possibility too. I'll let you know if I figure anything out. Feel free to let me know your thoughts on this.

perspective

I got a chance today that you don’t get with every person you break up with and I had to share. As many of you know I have been seeing someone now for a few weeks and things are going well. Out of the blue my ex boyfriend contacts me, to let me know about something he saw on the computer. We get to talking a little and I was joking around that after our last communication I was surprised he hadn’t burned my number in effigy. The last time we talked at all was this summer when he sent me a text message, livid that I was dating, even though we hadn’t spoken in a long time. Needless to say, the conversation was vicious on both ends and we let it fly. You know how when you’re with someone you don’t say certain things, cause you know it’s gonna start trouble, well we were there. I enjoyed every second of it. When I mentioned this last conversation, his response was “Oh I didn’t actually mean any of that, you know I was just kidding.” Kidding? Sure didn’t sound like it at the time. I know to this day I meant everything I said to him. Thinking about this made me look back over the entire relationship, and funny that pattern was there the whole time and I never saw it. The whole time we were together we’d fight stop talking, he’d come back be nice and wed get back together for a few weeks. I don’t know which is more disturbing, that he actually thinks he didn’t mean any of those hateful things he said to me, or that he thinks I’ll actually buy his stupid song and dance again. It’s refreshing to actually see something, or someone for what it actually is, without the blinders on. I have to ask myself why I couldn’t see it at the time. Possibly because I didn’t want to see it? Was I so busy trying to convince myself that he was a good person that I chose to ignore the facts that proved otherwise? Looking back, I can see this same pattern with my ex as well. I didn’t want to see the things that might make me break up with him. I think I can finally identify the flaws that aren’t compatible with me, and call them what they are. This feels good, very freeing. One more notch in my journey.

runnig to or from?

I’m leaning towards making positive changes in my life, there’s been far too much negative for far too long. Only one person is in control of this life, and it’s me. I started running. I can run / walk for a mile in the morning. Ok, lets be honest I’m walking more than I’m running at this point, and it takes me almost a full half hour to get all the way through it, but seriously, I feel halfway decent when I’m done. I find myself looking for other ways to feel good about myself. I haven’t liked what I’ve seen changing in the mirror for a while now and I want to change that self perception. I haven’t had a cigarette in five days and that’s huge for me. Patrick still doesn’t believe I’ve quit for good, and really who can blame him? I’ve tried a mess of times before only to fall short every time. I want to believe this time is different. I heard an interesting story today. When Cortex landed in Vera Cruz in 1821, the first thing he did was burn the boats. He knew he was where he belonged and didn’t desire to anywhere else. That’s where I hope I am right now. I want this one to stick, even if I do miss the habit. This could be the start of something bigger for me. I’ve always heard that one change can make a huge difference in the view you have on the rest of your life and now I’m starting to wonder if maybe that isn’t true. Maybe changing just one thing can alter your perspective on everything else in your life.

control

There are things I can control, and there are things I cannot. The sooner I accept that truth the happier I will be. I cannot force my preferred outcome in every situation no matter how much I'd like to. I can control my reaction to each situation as it arises. I seek validation from outside sources. I cannot control if I will ever get this. I can control how much it matters to me. I cannot control how others will behave, what they will say or the choices they make. I cannot allow myself to continually get upset by people not filling my emotional needs, when I haven't filled them for myself. My mother does not give me the support I need. So? I don't give myself the support I need either. Maybe I shouldn't look to things I cannot control for the validation I seek. What do I really want, really need to be happy? Its not a house, car ect. I need to believe I am good enough and worthy of good things coming to me. I look for other people and situations I cannot control to give me this. That never works. I need to give it to myself. Fine, here goes:

Tiffany, you are fine just they way you are. You try very hard to be everything to everyone. You put your whole heart into your family and those you care about. You live with passion for your kids. I notice your efforts and appreciate them. I acknowledge and notice how hard you work and how much of yourself you give to others. I choose to notice your good deeds and forgive the mistakes. You are not perfect and mistakes are to be expected. I will not give up on you. As long as your actions are guided by love you are making the best choices. I will be patient with you and find something you've done right everyday and notice it. Other peoples words and choices do not affect your value. You are valuable and worthy. Anyone who tries to make you see otherwise does not belong with you. Other peoples opinions are not necessarily your own. You, and what you do matters. Never forget that.