perspective

I got a chance today that you don’t get with every person you break up with and I had to share. As many of you know I have been seeing someone now for a few weeks and things are going well. Out of the blue my ex boyfriend contacts me, to let me know about something he saw on the computer. We get to talking a little and I was joking around that after our last communication I was surprised he hadn’t burned my number in effigy. The last time we talked at all was this summer when he sent me a text message, livid that I was dating, even though we hadn’t spoken in a long time. Needless to say, the conversation was vicious on both ends and we let it fly. You know how when you’re with someone you don’t say certain things, cause you know it’s gonna start trouble, well we were there. I enjoyed every second of it. When I mentioned this last conversation, his response was “Oh I didn’t actually mean any of that, you know I was just kidding.” Kidding? Sure didn’t sound like it at the time. I know to this day I meant everything I said to him. Thinking about this made me look back over the entire relationship, and funny that pattern was there the whole time and I never saw it. The whole time we were together we’d fight stop talking, he’d come back be nice and wed get back together for a few weeks. I don’t know which is more disturbing, that he actually thinks he didn’t mean any of those hateful things he said to me, or that he thinks I’ll actually buy his stupid song and dance again. It’s refreshing to actually see something, or someone for what it actually is, without the blinders on. I have to ask myself why I couldn’t see it at the time. Possibly because I didn’t want to see it? Was I so busy trying to convince myself that he was a good person that I chose to ignore the facts that proved otherwise? Looking back, I can see this same pattern with my ex as well. I didn’t want to see the things that might make me break up with him. I think I can finally identify the flaws that aren’t compatible with me, and call them what they are. This feels good, very freeing. One more notch in my journey.

runnig to or from?

I’m leaning towards making positive changes in my life, there’s been far too much negative for far too long. Only one person is in control of this life, and it’s me. I started running. I can run / walk for a mile in the morning. Ok, lets be honest I’m walking more than I’m running at this point, and it takes me almost a full half hour to get all the way through it, but seriously, I feel halfway decent when I’m done. I find myself looking for other ways to feel good about myself. I haven’t liked what I’ve seen changing in the mirror for a while now and I want to change that self perception. I haven’t had a cigarette in five days and that’s huge for me. Patrick still doesn’t believe I’ve quit for good, and really who can blame him? I’ve tried a mess of times before only to fall short every time. I want to believe this time is different. I heard an interesting story today. When Cortex landed in Vera Cruz in 1821, the first thing he did was burn the boats. He knew he was where he belonged and didn’t desire to anywhere else. That’s where I hope I am right now. I want this one to stick, even if I do miss the habit. This could be the start of something bigger for me. I’ve always heard that one change can make a huge difference in the view you have on the rest of your life and now I’m starting to wonder if maybe that isn’t true. Maybe changing just one thing can alter your perspective on everything else in your life.

control

There are things I can control, and there are things I cannot. The sooner I accept that truth the happier I will be. I cannot force my preferred outcome in every situation no matter how much I'd like to. I can control my reaction to each situation as it arises. I seek validation from outside sources. I cannot control if I will ever get this. I can control how much it matters to me. I cannot control how others will behave, what they will say or the choices they make. I cannot allow myself to continually get upset by people not filling my emotional needs, when I haven't filled them for myself. My mother does not give me the support I need. So? I don't give myself the support I need either. Maybe I shouldn't look to things I cannot control for the validation I seek. What do I really want, really need to be happy? Its not a house, car ect. I need to believe I am good enough and worthy of good things coming to me. I look for other people and situations I cannot control to give me this. That never works. I need to give it to myself. Fine, here goes:

Tiffany, you are fine just they way you are. You try very hard to be everything to everyone. You put your whole heart into your family and those you care about. You live with passion for your kids. I notice your efforts and appreciate them. I acknowledge and notice how hard you work and how much of yourself you give to others. I choose to notice your good deeds and forgive the mistakes. You are not perfect and mistakes are to be expected. I will not give up on you. As long as your actions are guided by love you are making the best choices. I will be patient with you and find something you've done right everyday and notice it. Other peoples words and choices do not affect your value. You are valuable and worthy. Anyone who tries to make you see otherwise does not belong with you. Other peoples opinions are not necessarily your own. You, and what you do matters. Never forget that.

what am i doing wrong?

It seems to me anymore, the harder I try the deeper the rut I'm in gets. I get laid off only to find the worst job I've ever had that I am now stuck in because I cannot afford the time off to interview elsewhere. I got a Masters at the height of a depression when there are no jobs to be had. I try to find someone to share my life only to be reminded through one blind date after another why I am single. I always believed if you want something badly enough drive and effort will get you there. Anymore drive and effort cause me to lose ground. I try and work with my kids dad only to have him choose his girlfriends kids over them time and time again. My kids cry about their dad and he couldn't care less. I'd be amazed if he even remembers Patricks birthday this weekend. I'm so frustrated at this point I play with the idea of cashing in my IRA and moving away and starting over somewhere else. But I can't take that way out either because its a bad idea for the kids. I have to do what's best for them. So I end up feeling stuck. I have gotten a little lost and don't know how to find my way out. I see people around me slowly but surely getting somewhere and I can only ask myself what I'm doing wrong. Surely they have something or do something that I am not. What do they know that I don't? What mistake am I making that I can't see? Why can't I get it right? I try and try but all I do is tread water. I know I should be grateful for what do have but I can't always see it. I have to wonder what I'm doing that's not working. I wish I understood the purpose of this. .

fruedian slip

So an interesting night at therapy with my oldest son. The main reason he sees a therapist is because of his ongoing issues with his dad. We were talking to his therapist about how he feels about his dad taking care of his girlfriends kids. When he started talking about it, he referred to her kids as Daddys new kids. He didn't even realize hed said it, and I looked at his therapist to see if she'd caught it too. She had. He has started to see his girlfriends kids as Daddys kids and he resents the hell out of him for taking care of them and ignoring them. I hadn't realized until tonight how deep his feelings went about it. He has a dad that has chosen someone else's kids over him. I knew it bothered him, of course but I didn't see before how deeply this had affected him. He called them Daddys Newer kids. This is the same guy who hasn't seen his kids in over two months. But he sees them every day. He seems to have forgotten they are not even his kids. Might as well be his kids. And once again I have to clean up daddys mess. It was the first time I'd heard Pat say something like that out loud. It would seem that boy has a lot bubbling just under the surface that he doesn't want to show. But getting it out was really good to hear him admit it. I can't help but wonder at what point he stopped seeing them as Her kids and started seeing them as Daddys kids. Gotta admit, it pisses me off too. I can't help but have evil thoughts towards my ex when he does stuff like this. Stuff exactly like his dad did to him. The irony's not lost on me there. But at least we found a crack in Pats shell and maybe we can widen that just a little next time. I can hope anyway.

letting go - PART 2

“How did it get to be so late so soon?


It is only 10:30, yet its way past noon.

How did it get to be so late so soon?

Here its September, but its only June…”

-Dr. Seuss

So, when it comes to letting go, there’s another side to this I hadn’t considered. Let me tell you where my head is. When I was a kid, like most of us, I had an idea of what my life would be like when I was grown. Kids, working, married to the same guy for the whole time, working together to slowly but surely build a life we could be proud if. Of course there would be fights, but we’d find our way through them. Even after college, I really thought that’s what the world had in store for me, and its what I really wanted. Even now, I still hold out for that dream of what I think I should have had. My actions today are all attempts to have the life I think I should have had in the first place. I save to buy a house, I try to find a job better than what I have, try to find someone to fill the void created when my kids dad left their lives.

When I got married, I really thought the dream I had was mine now, I held the first step of what I wanted, and I could see our lives mapped out together. As you all know, this didn’t happen. The whole thing exploded in a fiery crash and I left with a smile on my face and never looked back. Through this process, I found my voice, found my strength and found my own way. I didn’t see it then, but I still wanted what I had before, or what I thought I had before.

Obviously, no matter what I thought, God knew my ideal was not to be my fate in life. I was destined for something else. Of course, He never bothered to tell me that, but we wont go there for now. I see people around me who have what I thought I should have, or are on the verge of having what I’m about to have, and the envy is hard to deny. I want what they have. I want the partner and the house and the children being raised in a loving and united family.

Here’s my point, what if, maybe I’m trying to get something I wasn’t ever supposed to have. What if what I have decided is my goal, is truly the unattainable goal, because that’s not where I’m supposed to be. God may indeed have something else in mind. Hell, I think hes made it pretty obvious he wanted something different for my life. I have to step back and ask myself WHY I want these things. Do I want them because it’s the life I really want, or do I want them because it’s what I was raised to believe that’s what I’m supposed to want? Could it be both? And if I choose to let go of this, and accept that my path might lie elsewhere, what am I supposed to be working towards? I think the human mind works at its most capable when we have a goal, something concrete to work towards. If I let go of the house/family unit dream, what else is there? Maybe the dream I have held onto all this time is so hard to accomplish because I’m not supposed to get there. If not there, then where should I be going? Maybe its time to let go of that, and see what else is waiting on the wings for me. But having no concrete destination in mind makes me very nervous, like a plane with no radar. It all comes back to what I have said before, who am I supposed to be? I do not think I’m complete as I am now. More lays in store for me. Maybe this is a matter of letting go of not so much my dreams, but letting go of my own drive and will, and allowing God to lead me where he wants me to go. I’m not really sure I get what that means just yet though. I know it doesn’t mean to stop trying. I’m just not sure what I’m supposed to be trying to do. I know I’m on the right path when it comes to the kids, simply because the life I have with them feels right. That kind of instinct can’t be faked or ignored. When it’s just the three of us with outside distractions like work and school and cleaning interfering, being with them feels like where I should be. But there’s life beyond that, I think. At least I hope there is.

I guess at this point, I have to wait and see. Great, more patience. Never a strong suit for me. Patience, and surrendering control to a higher power, accepting that some things are just out of my hands. This goes against the fiber of my being, but I think I need to see where this takes us. (Except for the whole better job thing, that’s I cant let go of. If I don’t get out of this place soon, I’m gonna be on the news I swear.)

letting go

What does it really mean to let go of something? I mean we can all say I’m ready to let go of that and move on…what are we really saying were going to do? Are the bad feelings associated with that person going to linger but your making a choice to look past them, or are you supposed to truly stop feeling the negativity towards that person? And how should you really let go of something like that when the person in question won’t stop pissing you off? In case you haven’t figured it out by now, this is a conversation about my ex husband. Simply put, no one can piss me off quite like he can and he manages to on a fairly regular basis. When he bails on his kids, or makes half assed attempts to be involved, yet dedicates his life to his NEW son and HER kids, well it sticks in my craw some. Or a lot. My boys, who are sweet and wonderful and perfect as far as I’m concerned, get pushed aside in favour of someone else, it makes me nuts. But I’m in this cycle in my life recently where I’m starting to clean house of some of the negativity in my life, as I am tired of it weighing me down. I want to stop hating him, but I don’t know how. Every time he turns away from the children we made, it peels away the scab and opens the wound again. I long to lay into him, unload what he’s done to them, but I don’t know if that would be productive at all. The real irony of this whole situation is his actions towards his two children are exactly what his father did to him. His dad got remarried to a woman who had a son, and his father cared for that child, but turned his back on him. You would think he would want to prevent this from happening to the next generation. Just for the record, pointing this out to him, which I have done previously, gets me nowhere. Like talking to a brick wall. I’m starting to see what we put out into the world, for the moist part, is what we have returned to us. If you sent love out, you get love back. Again, this is not a universal truth as far as I’m concerned, as it doesn’t take into account plain old luck and chance. Some things happen just because, not because of something you may have done once.


So how do you let go of something that continues to grate on your last nerve? I would like to remove myself from the argument entirely, pack up, move away and drop all contact with him all together. But the only people damaged there are the boys. I don’t want to give them the opportunity to hate me later because I made it impossible to see their dad. So far, the turn the other cheek approach is what I’ve been doing, but it only works for so long. I want to scream at him until he hurts the way they do. You know how it is, nothing makes a parent crazier than someone messing with their kids, even if that someone is their dad. So how do I stop hating someone who seems intent on reminding me over and over why I hate him? There aren’t my own personal feelings involved, I stopped caring a long time ago what became of him. But he’s hurting my kids. He’s made them cry, and that is something I just cannot abide.

So I am promising myself I am going to continue to be the bigger person, and be the one who is the adult. The resentment builds some, as he felt no responsibility towards these kids, and was able to walk away from them, without a second thought, and start over with someone else. I take comfort in knowing, the boys have me. I am their stability and their comfort. You don’t need to stable parent to turn out ok, as long as they have one, that’s what really matters. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.