thinking

"You make life happen, you do not wait for it to happen." In the past year or so, life has been happening to me. not the just the fire but the job the child support the whole nine years. I have been letting life happen to me, over and over again, I have let guys call the shits and let people I dislike control my actions throughout the weeks and months, some of this was unavoidable and the price paid for life, like the dealings with the fire. But some was just passivity. Let me share with you something that happened to me today. I was sitting in heavy traffic today, and waiting my turn at a very slow light. Someone in the lane going the other direction honked and preceded to yell at me to move my car up some so he could get through. And I did. I moved up just a little so that he could get through. I thought about it later, thinking, why did I move up? why did I not just stand my ground and make him wait just because he told me too? I wanted to go back and do over that moment so I could smile and tell him no, and make him wait like everyone else. So, I'm starting to see the problem now, I have been letting life happen to me, over and over and over. I have done very little to create action within my own life, besides whine about being unhappy. I find myself willing to let some dreams go, and then I stop myself, and think, wow, what are you doing? Those dreams are what keep you moving day to day, give you something bigger to aim for. If you let them go, what do you have left, what will the drive in your life become? Letting them go, is how I set the wheels in motion to become exactly what I despise the most, a person scared of life and so comfortable in her rut she never sees enough life to want more. I want more. I don't want to be that person, who's so scared of life she wont even travel alone for fear of the consequences.

So what now? That seems to be the problem within my life. I can usually identify the problems pretty well but the solutions evade me. even as I write this I can feel the anxiety of change moving within me. I have heard once that the trick to making any kind of a change is to first identify the end result you would like to see, and then break the process into small manageable steps. What do I want? even that is a hard question to answer. I want a place of my own. I want a better job. I want work that makes me enough money to pay the bills and makes me happy, or at least isn't too annoying in the process. I want a better relationship with myself. I cannot find someone to love me if I don't first love and respect my self. I am moving in that direction, but there is a long way to go. What else do I want? I want a life for me and my children that satisfies me. And what in my life would I have to have in order to feel satisfied? I would have to have the ability to respect myself and believe that I need more, and I deserve more in my life. Maybe I have accepted what I've been dealt so far is because that's what I feel is acceptable. You treat people in your life how to treat you. I have allowed too much. I want more, I need more. Why don't i respect myself? Why do I allow people to treat me life a servant? I am a helper. I like to help. I find satisfaction in knowing I made someone elses day a little better because of my actions or choices. And I allow people to take that too far. Why is the ability to set and maintain boundaries so hard for me? So in reality this process needs to start with setting and maintaining boundaries in my life and in my head. I have done this once, just recently. Someone wanted to alter the course of my life drastically, with his ideas and his changes. At first, I was listening. I was giving all the right answers and nodding appreciatively. And it occurred to me, finally that I didn't want what he was spinning. These were not changes I desired. But my initial reaction was to go along with his ideas. But I finally I found myself. I found my voice. I said no thanks. and he argued. He couldn't possibly understand why I would turn down an offer like his. I made my life happen, in that I made my choice and stood my it. Simply because I didn't want to. I didn't feel like the right choice. If I did it once, I can do it again. I can find my voice and find more than just telling off one person. I just need to take the time to look. I don't know what the next step is yet, but my recent actions tell me that the ability to speak up for myself is there, its always been there waiting. I just need to use it once in a while.

making progress

I know we are almost there, and all I can think about is the amount of work that lays ahead of me right now. There's packing and moving and sorting and the like. We are so close now but the end still seems like its so far away, even though we are looking at a total of 11 days or so. after 9 months 11 days should be no big deal right? Yet I'm like a kid at Christmas, I want it NOW. And yet there is some anxiety over the move. Patrick has become very attached to our current furniture which does not belong to us. He was very upset when he realized we would not be keeping it. Even the reminder that we were to get new only helped a little. I can only hope I can dig deep and pull out just a little more in order to get us through this last stretch, At this point I find myself wondering what else I could possibly have left to give. Yet, I know I will find it somewhere. I simply have to.

We have a floor!! The pseudo hardwood floors have been installed! I take every step we can mark as one that needs to be acknowledged and celebrated. The date of December 18th has not been changed...yet. We hope the reconstruction company will be true to their word. We are supposed to be getting carpets this week. I just want my home back.

the countdown has begun

The reconstruction company claims we will be back in the house on or around the 18th of this month. I'll believe that when i see it, but i'm gonna try and hold them to it. Maybe one thing is going right today.

Merry Fucking Christmas, AKA not feeling it this year.

So I know Christmas is coming. and mentally I have been in a better place than I have been in almost a year. I have started bringing the kids to church again. God and I are on speaking terms again, although the distance is still there for sure. We are in the home stretch for the house, or so it would seem. We've been told all along they are HOPING to get us back in by Christmas. The key word there of course is HOPING. Now that's its coming closer, there are delays being thrown in front of us one after the other, layered with too many excuses. The construction company is waiting for this and waiting for that and needs this, and when we point these things out, we get "well we're working on that..." which tells me there is something we're not being told. Here's our progress so far, my bathroom is almost done! BUT...we have no outlets or toilets or appliances or flooring and mom has no bathroom. Calls to the restoration company are not returned about getting a firm date. I just want to know which house I'm supposed to decorate, or if I should even bother at all this year!I just want to know which house to plan for. And yet with the path I seem to be on recently that seems to be too much to ask for. I hate that we are so close and yet there is no end in sight. I need to move past this so badly, and yet every time I think its getting close another blockade is thrown in my way. I do believe nothing happens by accident in this world and nothing is coincidental. I ask myself again and again what exactly this is supposed to teach me. What am I supposed to be taking from this whole experience? The only thing I've taken so far is that the system sucks and the homeowners have very little control over any part of it besides the colors. With all of the this, and the other nonsense being thrown into my path in addition to the house issues, it seems like no matter what I do I can't win. I know of course that's not true, but I cant help but feel that way sometimes. I've been accused of being a Debbie Downer recently, and I can see where that name would fit. I keep telling myself this too shall pass. I thank God every day for my kids, because I do truly believe they are the only thing that gets me out of bed some days. and as long as I have that, I know I'll be OK, because I simply have no other choice.

life

Life is hard. And sometimes, a lot of times its not fair. When my life changed I let go of a lot. I lost a lot. I now see a lot of what I lost was given up voluntarily. By me. I gave up my hope. I gave up my dreams. I choose to focus on what was gone, to focus on the injustice. I didn't lose myself in the fire, I gave it away. I chose for it to be that way. It was not taken. It was surrendered. I felt myself at the whims of God. I cried for what was, what had been. That's then. I'm trying to take it back now. Tomorrow I can choose differently. Tomorrow is not then, its not today. Tomorrow I can choose to make this a new day in my life. I surrendered my will, my control to the smoke that filled the walls and the flames that consumed them. I am in charge. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I will choose not to feel sorry for myself. I will choose to smile. Life is hard. Life is frequently unfair. Life is not about avoiding the storms its about learning to dance in the rain. I want to dance again.

new pictures

These are the most recent picture taken earlier this afternoon. It may not seem like much but I hang onto each improvement as a lifeline, one small step closer to the end. I know this won't all magically go away the minute we move back in, but it begins a new chapter of healing, I hope.



these are a little dark, but the garage is almost totally done! Of course there is no electricity in the house yet, so I can't get a clear picture just yet, but it gives you an idea.

Brand new railing!!! Makes it look so much more finished, you know?

This one is where the fridge will go, eventually.

The kitchen...in progress. The cabinets look really nice so far. It still seems like they have so much to do we'll never get there. That's not true of course, but sometimes it feels that way.

getting through

The hard part, I have found, is not the event itself, it's when the long term everyday life kicks in, and you have to get through the day to day, dealing with the fall out the event caused. The rest of the world has forgotten and moved on, and yet the mess still remains for you to deal with. The world expects you to go on, and yet you want to scream "can't you see everything is different now?" But no, to them its not. Life plods onward and we are expected to continue to move through it as I always have. I am different now, not one of us will move through this unscathed, and we are still in the process of finding out who were are on the other side of this thing. Gabe seems to have bounced better than any of us, he just smiles and goes on with his day. Pat refuses to leave the house unless he absolutely has to, and mom had regressed to the point of being old. Then there's me, lost in the maze and trying to find an outlet for the resentment and anger that sometimes bubbles up just beneath the surface. It happens less often now, and I find better ways to deal with it as it does. I don't know if that's dealing with it, or just learning to accept it as a part of my life. I look at my son, and wonder who he is now. Where is the child I raised who wanted to go somewhere every minute of the day, who now wants to stay home. Part of me thinks, God why aren't we past this yet? I can't help but wonder how long this is supposed to take? I find myself looking for the light at the end of my tunnel, and there is none, at least not yet. I know in my head this too shall pass, but my heart is not convinced yet.