stuck

So here's where I get stuck. I believe the life I lead now is simply not good enough for me, and I deserve more. I don't mean that in a materialistic way, like I need to be able to buy more things, but in a spiritual sense. What always sticks me is the How of it all. So I know I want so much more in my life. I want control I want to dominate my own life. But how to get I get from the inertia I currently live in to the place I want to live in? In life I have found the best way to get from point A to B is the break the process into small doable steps. In this instance I can't see the first step. Of course the logical place to begin is getting a better job. That step has proven more difficult than I had expected. I look and search and get no where. I look only to get 1000 no thank yous. So I get frustrated and stop looking for a bit. I think this job is the first step in where I want to go, but so much stands in my way. I believe certain things only happen in life if they are supposed to. I ask myself if maybe this isn't happening because this isn't the first step I'm supposed to take. If its not, then what is? I don't know where to atep so I go nowhere leading only to greater frustration so I ponder some more and hope the answer presents itself to me. I can hope anyway. Any suggestions?

losing the shroud

So for those who know me and know where I’m from, you know I’ve had some bumps in my past, some of which were larger than others. There have been periods in my life that at the time I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through at the time. I’m going to skip the gory details at this point, but suffice to say, I carry some battle scars from my journeys so far. Some of those scras are deeper than others. I’ve been pondering these recently, wondering how they defined my life up until this point.


Here’s a what if: What if the first time you met someone knew, you pulled up your pants leg and showed then the scar on your knee from when you feel off your bike as kid and proceeded to tell them the entire long drawn out story of the pain you endured from that injury? That person would identify you in their minds with that injury from then on. Most likely, they would think of that first next time they saw you. Needless to say, most of us wouldn’t do something like that because we don’t want people to identify us with that sort of image

Is it possible I’ve been doing the same sort of thing this far and I just didn’t see it? I allowed my scars and my pain to define who I was. I was a survivor of this, or a victim of that and I allowed my own mind to color my definition of myself in light of these experiences. I was such and such a way, because if this experience, or I’m allowed to react a certain way because of this thing I’ve been through. I allowed my scars to be the first thing people saw, even if they didn’t always know the story behind them. These marks, these wounds became something I would associate with newer experiences as I went through life. This situation reminds me of this thing from long ago, so I should avoid it. I’m not saying we shouldn’t use our experiences as a warning against future situations that may have similar risks, but we as a whole need to balance that with the courage to continue living.

As I went through life, up until recently, I allowed these scars to define me. I have grown weary of living under the shroud of what has been. The person I am supposed to be lives just under that blanket. Some demons from long ago stayed with me, whispering in my ear, “you deserve this, you deserved that, because choices you made long Ago.” I chose to listen. I chose to agree, at least on a subconscious level. I told myself I was no good at judging people, I told myself I shouldn’t talk to people who remind me of certain things, I told myself I need to be careful careful careful all the time. Again, some careful choices are needed in life, but not to the point that it controls what you do. I have to wonder how long it has been since I have seen myself without the shroud. This is not to belittle or minimize what I’ve experienced in life. Some of the things I’ve been through have had a massive impact on my life and the choices I’ve made. But because of them, I know better now what’s I’m really made of. I can choose to live under shroud, wrapping myself in my pain and damage, or, I can choose to remove the cover and look at others they way they really are. These bad things didn’t happen because I made bad choices, these bad things happened because some people are assholes and there’s nothing I can do to control that.

I cannot judge myself for someone else’s choices. I didn’t pick to experience these things, but I can decide its time to put it away and move on. I can decide that I don’t want to live like that anymore and I don’t want to identify myself with this shell that I have built around myself. I think you miss too much like that. I will not forget where I have been, because that’s not the point, but I will push the demon aside and tell him to get gone. He’s wrong and so was I for listening in the first place. What I’ve experienced is not who I am, not my identity. Who I am is someone who is funny, smart, strong and kind, in spite of these other people who tried to break what I was. They only broke me if I let them continue to control who and what I am.

I see things as they are now, and I love how bright the colors are.

doing fine, or too tired for a midlife crisis

An interesting observation was made while watching TV last night. I was watching Losing It and Jillian was trying to get someone to see that their current path was not a healthy lifestyle for them, and what she said was “This life, what you have now, you’re better than this. You’re too good for this.” I heard her say that, and it resonated with me. What if the changes in my life I seek are only a matter of attitude? Many of us, me included, simply accept what were handed, and we may like or hate parts of it, but we continue to live it. I am guiltier of this than most people. I have not been happy for some time now, and yet I am done little to actually affect any kind of change. I accepted what I was handed and moved on. What if, I stopped doing that? What if I said this life, what I have now, isn’t good enough for me? What if I said I deserve better and this life doesn’t meet my standards? Could it create a shift in my thinking, or would it simply be another distraction? What if before I get my life straight, I have to get my head straight? I have always been a fan of the ‘little less talk, a lot more action’ mentality in life. Discussing your problems only helps for so long. At some point you have to decide to do something about them or nothing ever changes. Issues rarely go away on their own. Could this insight simply be another road block on the way to where I want to go, or is it a needed step along the way? Perhaps this attitude adjustment is part of drawing the map so I have some vague idea where I’m headed. I think that’s what bothers me the most about this whole mire I’m caught in, I don’t know what I want. And that’s unusual for me.


When I was a kid I used to work mazes from the end, picking my way through backwards. Often I’ve approached my life the same way. I figure out where I would like to end up or what the goal I want is, and then I figure out how the get there from where I am. This time, I have no goal, no direction to begin. I think that’s where the rut comes in. When you don’t know where to take that first step, you don’t leave where you are. Part of me wants to jump, just go all out with both feet and figure it out along the way. Perhaps what I want, what I’m really after will present itself to me along the way. At least I’d have my freedom. But I start to think about those boys just down the hall and I hesitate. That surely would not be the best choice for them. I need to put them first. Of course it could be said by taking care of my own needs I will be giving them a happier mommy and a better example of how to run your own life, so perhaps I should jump. The back and forth of this in my head creates inertia.

Bottom line, this life is not good enough for me. I am better than the way I live now. I have done nothing to deserve living in endless mire that does not satisfy the core of who I am. I deserve better than this, and so do the boys. The have a right to a happy mommy.

part 2

So here's where my head was this weekend. I was hanging out on the beach with my two best boys on Saturday, having this completely Zen moment, watching my boys and other children on different races and cultures intermingling and playing together without a care in the world. These were people who in their regular lives wouldn't cross paths in their regular lives spending the day away from whatever stresses or sadness waits for them in their everyday life. My kids, and other kids, accepted Hispanic, black and Asian kids as readily as someone they saw everyday at school. I was pondering how the kids have it so right and we as adults have it so wrong.
So that's where i was coming from, and as the end drew on my time there, this pissiness began to creep inwards and got more and more pronounced. As I said earlier, it finally occurred to me I didn't want to go home. And it wasn't the kids, we had a great time this weekend. I simply didn't want to go back to any part of my life here. I had nothing to look forward to. Theres nothing in my life thats mine I know I've said that before. I played with so many ideas today, ranging from new ink to going blonde to packing us all up and starting over somewhere else, and everything in between. Nothing feels like the right choice. Usually when i find the right answer, it just clicks in my head, and nothing gave me that zing. So i look onward. I know what wont fix it. This cant be fixed by a guy, or a haircut or a new toy. I don't know how to fix this. I expect more of myself than this.
I think if i were to dig I would find that I do and do and do for everyone else, but rarely does anyone do back. This is not to whine and keep score and  moan poor poor me. Its just a fact. And there was a time I took pride in this role, being in control and in charge. But was this feeling of being in control an illusion? Maybe I only wanted to think I was in control, because it was what I needed to believe at the time. Bottom line here, my life is thoroughly off track. There is only one person fix this. I think up until this point I figured  something or someone would come along that would change this, and so far not so much. I think this is my time to find my own voice. I just wish I had some idea what I'm supposed to do now. I really cant just quit my job, I have kids who need me to work and pay the bills. I can say I'm gonna and think about it, but in reality my responsibilities have to take priority. My kids count on me to provide for them. I cant just pack up and move away, cause it would be detrimental to their well being after all they have been through in the past year. They are only now finding their security again and I cant yank that out from under them right now. So where does that leave me? Right in the same rut that got me on this tangent in the first place.
Is it possible I've been this off track for a while and I just hadn't seen it until now? Could it be said I've been covering for a while and i finally have some clarity? I keep asking myself what will fix this, what will make me smile at the end of the day? It could be possible this is a cumulation of stress from working everyday at a job that deadens my soul. I sometimes spend an hour plus at work sitting at my desk fantasizing about telling my boss I quit. But then when I'm out of money and still have no job, what do I do then? The car loan people do not care about my existential crisis. The bank does not care about my joy. I cannot buy groceries with thoughts about my inner workings. I love my kids, and I love them in my life. They are the one aspect that I wouldn't change a thing about. At least that much I do know.
I feel like there is something in myself that wants to be heard, but i dont know how to give it a voice. The essence of me and  what I have to offer is silent and waiting. I dont know how to look for it, how to identify that thing that is me. I can feel it there an sometimes I catch a glimpse of it, and then just as quickly its gone. I want more. I want to let that thing out.

too early for a midlife crisis?

After I spent three glorious days at the beach with my kids, I came home with the kids only to find a seriously foul mood decending on me as I drove home. This is unusual for me. Usually the beach is fun but home is nice. After getting home my mood went further and further south. Crabby and snapping at the kids and just being an all around pill to be around. I sat and tried to analyze my motives, and it finally occurred to me, I didn't want to come home, to come back to the life that waited for me here. My job, living with mom the stress, all of it is becoming too much. Everyday that goes by the walls seem to close in just a little more. I have spent the day weighing several fixes, everything from a new tattoo to walking into work tomorrow and quitting my job. I really don't know how to fix this. I don't make enough to move out and in this economy I don't feel secure in quitting without something lined up. I've been feeling progressively more and more isolated recently and I think the ever increasing stress is mostly to blame gfor this. For once, I'm at a loss. I feel who I am shifting but for once I have no plan or direction. I need to get out of this rut I'm in but I can't find a shovel. So another day goes by and I wiggle an inch or two deeper into my rut. I need a change. Stay tuned, I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out.

I want to change my life

"In order to create the life you want, you must change your life." Someone said this on TV tonight and it really resonated with me. For those of you who know me, I have wanted to make some changes in my life for some time, yet this intertia seems to have taken over that leaves me right where I am. I say I want to excersize, but I sit on the couch. I say I want to quit smoking, but I buy another pack. I say I hate my job, but I stuill go every day. If I change nothing, how do I expect anything ot change? In order to create the life I want, the one that seems to dance just in front of me, I need to change something, anything. My life does not support  these improvements as it is. I need to change, in order to change. Does that make sense to anyone but me? If I do not change my life the things I want will remain just that, the things I want. Not the things I have. I talked about going to school but if I had not adjusted my life in order to make room for school it would not have worked out. I would have gone for a while, and over time it would have fizzled out because I didn't change my life to allow for it. I changed my life, and here I am two weeks away from being done. I changed my life, so my life supported my ability to follow through. If I can do that, I have to think about what comes next. No more excuses.

Family Dynamics

Human and family dynamics are a fascinating thing. My mom had issues with her mom for her entire life because she forever came in second to her brother simply because she was a girl. Was she did was fine, but could never once measure up to what he was able accomplish. In the actions and words of her mother, nothing she ever did was quite good enough. I have complained all of my life that she is exactly the same way and doesn’t see it. She was always very critical of my, and not so much of my brother. When I was old enough to understand the irony of this situation I chose to see the humor in it. My best laid plans were not going to measure up. I have long since stopped trying and really I’ve made as much peace with it as I can. She is blind to her tendencies, and nothing I do or say will ever change that.




Ever since the fire she has become very clingy and needy, asking more and more of me as time goes on. I cut grass, clean the house do the laundry, run the errands, take out the trash and take care of the dog and kids. She’s stopped driving after dark sp any evening errands fall on my shoulders as well. This is not a complaint, exactly, as I feel its my job to take care of her, since my dad is not here to do it. As time passes the list of what I handle gets longer and longer. That’s not to say she does not pitch in, we alternate weeks buying groceries, and last week it was her turn.



And this is where it starts to get funny: She comes home from the store and she bought some of the wrong things. I’m picky about my food; I’m the first to admit it. But there’s the wrong jelly, the wrong cream cheese, and so on. Nothing serious, but enough to irk me. I say nothing, of course because really is cream cheese worthy of hurting someone else’s feelings? It gets funny here because of the voice that piped up in my head when I saw the errors. All I could think was “Jeez, its one trip to the grocery store, couldn’t you even do that right?” Harsh, right? Which is why I silenced the voice. As hyper critical my grandmother was, (and she was, I can assure you), and growing up under a person who was also very critical, I have become the same way towards the person that created the behavior in the first place. That’s where I find the humor. I have become her only its directed towards her instead of my children. Funny thing is I swing the other way towards the boys. At least I hope I do. I tend to be a little more agreeable and a little more lenient than she was, because I want to break the cycle. I think the critical voice comes out towards her because she was the one that spawned it in the first place. She has become a fragile person who needs care. I know I will not ever be able to clear the air between us, ashes simply not ever going to be a place where we could without that critical voice coming out and really hurting her feelings. That voice makes itself known here and there, with little things, like asking me to take the dog out after I’m in bed. These requests usually come with the internal response of “What’s the matter, not strong enough to do it yourself?” Like I said this voice never sees the light of day. But even knowing the voice exists, knowing I have the freedom to think these things is like my internal retribution towards her. To know, I COULD say it, but I choose not to, is enough for me to feel like the scales are tipping to a more equitable balance. I’m not saying it’s the best solution, but at least for us for now, it seems to balance out.