Questions questions questions

I find myself stopping and starting this entry, asking myself just how honest do I really want to be? How much of myself am I willing to reveal, and if I’m not willing to show myself, what is the purpose of this exercise at all? If I continue to hide things, am I really doing any kind of a service to myself or to anyone who might actually happen to read this? Do I hide them because I’m not willing to admit it myself yet? It’s so easy to reveal the inner workings of my kids and the things they are experiencing, but when it comes to me, what’s really going on inside, I mitigate the content, choosing not to reveal as much. Why am I so afraid to show myself? Perhaps I fear rejection at some base level. Perhaps there is the fear people will tell me I’m crazy and not to think that way. Maybe I already know I’m wrong and I don’t want to hear the confirmation from others. I don’t know, and yet I still sit here and struggle with this. I can honestly say I don’t know which direction I’m going to go just yet. Maybe I’m afraid to go after what I want. Maybe I don’t want to admit that I want what I do. If that’s the case, why am I afraid to admit what I want? Is it because it will risk me condemnation from those I’m closest to? And yet that doesn’t stop what I feel. Following what I feel when it comes to my personal life has almost never taken me anywhere positive. Maybe this time I need to follow my head instead. Does that mean risking a shallow meaningless interactions because the right answer is only the right answer on paper? If I land in a stable contented place, does it really matter how I got there? I find myself at a cross roads with no distinct signs to tell me which way to go. Both ways have their own pitfalls. It comes down to asking myself who I can trust. The answer of course is neither but for totally different reasons. The only person I can really trust is myself. Maybe the right answer is none of the above. I think that’s what scares me most of all, finding out later on I chose wrong and the right answer was neither. Maybe I should choose myself for once instead of something else.  And I don’t have any clear answers. Maybe I’ve revealed more here than I realized. Maybe it’s all out there now for the world to see and I only think I’m hiding. Doesn’t matter I said what I think I needed to and that’s the whole point.