Therapy

Out of all the pictures I have in my files this is the only one I have of him. The loser with the black shirt. That's all the kids have to go with. Thats it. What does that tell you?

So my son admitted in Therapy tonight that he was pissed off at his Dad. This sounds little but really it's not. We've been trying to get him to this point for almost a year. To hear him say he's pissed off at his dad and his feelings are hurt by the way he acts towards him was huge for me. For several reasons. I have never stopped for any length of time to accept how I feel about the man who sired my children. I hate him, simply enough. He sold me a sack full of promises that he never meant to keep and lied to me repeatedly throughout our marriage. This, surprisingly enough, I can live with, Those are his choices, not mine and I cannot control the choices made so long ago. I can only control my reaction to those choices. I chose to walk away. This was the healthiest chioce for all of us by far. And for a while, we were able to move along our with our lives. He had a moderate amount of involvement with them, every few weeks or so, and I gave him a moderate amount of respect for still being involved with his kids even though our relationship had ended. Time passed, we found a mutual understanduing of each other, os so I thought. Then he met HER. Jen, the evil shrew who made his real personality show through. Even after he met her, things porogressed normally. Hell when the kids visited him now, they actually visited a clean house. This could work, I thought. she could be good for him, I started to wonder if maybe SHE could make him into a better person, hell maybe even a better dad! Then, they decided to have a baby. Thats where the story changes. He had baby number 5, and dropped his two kids like last years newspaper. Suddenly the boys were lucky if he saw them twice a year. As it stands now, when the boys saw him at chrsitmas, it was the first time he'd seen them since April. I really really hate him for this. I hate the fact that he hurt my children. He turned his back on his kids in the blink of an eye and it really pissed me off. I hate him for making a mess that I now have to love my kids through. I cannot say this enough, this is a price I'm willing to pay because I am getting the good end of this deal. I get the kids. I get the hugs and the kisses and the bed time stories and the snuggles and the snow days and the beach days and all the fun tings that come along with kids. But I am angry. I really fucking hate that man, and I'm ok with that. I hate that he is selfish and lazy and self centered and that he was able to drop them so easily. I really believe they never meant anything to him. They were a ticket to what he thohght was a better life. I really believe he doesnt care, and never did. I hate him for not seeing what those kids really are, how sweet and smart they are, and how special they are. I hate him for not wanting to be a part of their lives. I hate him for telling them although not in actual words that HER kids and the new baby matter, and they do not. I work every day to undo damage. I can only hope I can do enough. I dont want them growing up feeling less than what they are because that asshole couldnt be bothered to be involved. I love my kids, I can only hope that whaty I have to offer is enough.