displaced anger

As a side note, I must mention I have opened and closed blogger four or five times in the last two hours without writing a thing. I didn't know if I even wanted to write this post, and yet I felt this pull to come back time and time again to try and put to words what's in my head. I cannot gaurantee if any of this will even make sense to anyone but myself, but here goes.

Why do some people get under our skin and others do not? Why do some people do something, seen by others as minor and inconsequential but to us its a constant thorn in our side? I have found myself asking this question over the last few months but haven't come up with much of an answer. At least I wasn't coming up with some kind of answer until something I read in a magazine triggered an odd train of thoughts that seem to have lodged in my brain and won't let go. I find myself asking why what one person does gets under my skin and what I'm really mad about. Perhaps there is the possibility the urge I feel to lash out comes from something unresolved, something much deeper.

I believe that parents main role in life is to protect their children. I also know that all parents are human and doomed to be imperfect no matter how hard they try simply because they're human. As parents we all make mistakes. That being said. I want to see this from the parents perspective but as someone who is a child as well its too easy to see both sides of the argument. Parents are supposed to keep them safe and when that fails, the second half of that chore is to notice when something goes off track. If parents drop the ball on the second half of this duty, what then? What reaction is the child left with? The people who should have noticed, should have seen, didn't. What does this leave the child with? Potentially a feeling of being unheard, unseen and ultimately, invisible. (If you've been reading any length of my blog, you should recognize a theme here)

So what then, as that child grows they eventually becomes adults and what becomes of the left overs from feeling unheard and invisible when they were younger? Do they continue to feel invisible, do they get loud and make sure no one ever ignores them again? Do they make themselves into something they are not or make sure they are hyper vigilant to maintain that fragile feeling of security they crave? Or do they recreate the situation over and over again in adult relationships without seeing the connection?

What I think is eventually what happens is that child, the adult person the child has become gets angry. Sometimes very angry. This anger may not surface in obvious ways but may sit in the unconscious for a long time, only coming out in small semi-passive agressive ways over the course of time. Little things fester and burn when if it were anyone else, these issues would be quickly discarded. But if its that one person, those small things can take on a larger significance. And yet both parties can be totally unaware of what moves and breathes just under the surface. Neither party sees what's just beyond reach, until one article in one magazine creates a shifts and pieces start to fall into place. Like those magic pictures where you can only see the image if you focus your eyes a certain way, suddenly you can see things for what they are.

What now? I have no idea. But knowledge is the first step.

new anxiety battles to fight

Raising children constantly fascinates me. How can someone you love so intensely and so completely, frustrate you so badly that you just want to hide under a pillow for as long as you can, or run away to a secluded beach somewhere? I have been dealing with Patrick’s anxiety on an almost daily basis for around two years now and you’d think I’d be used to it by now. Although we’d known about the anxiety since he was 6 or so, it hadn’t been much of a daily issue for us up until the fire. Before that, he might require a little extra patience and some more planning and such, but basically he was a very trusting soul. We were treating the ADHD and making slow progress with special education and I was beginning to think we had this thing under control. “If you want to hear god laugh, tell him your plans” The fire came into our lives and no area of selves, our lives or our existences were left untouched. A few weeks later his anxiety escalated to previously unseen levels and I ran to take my child back to the psychiatrist, half convinced he was losing his mind. Lord knows I was certain one of us was. With some patience and time and therapy, we found our way to a happy mostly sane place again where the day to day wasn’t fraught with invisible pitfalls and tantrums over the smallest things, and stubborn behavior fueled by fear. Special Ed was working and I was back to getting glowing reports from both his teachers and day care staff. I think I got lazy. I got soft. I stopped keeping an eye out for the potential issues because I thought we have this licked. The coping mechanisms he was learning seemed to be working and all was right. And then…my mom got sick. It was a curveball I wasn’t expecting. Although its not life threatening she will require surgery and some recovery time. This information sent Patrick into a tailspin I haven’t seen in some time. Temper tantrums out of nowhere, anger lashing out, combined with clingy neediness that seems to have to salve to ease it. The more I give the more he seems to need some days. Then followed the emails from his teachers, crying in class, refusal to participate, hiding under his desk, lashing out at other students. This was different from the first time. The first real appearance of the anxiety was more of a panic response. This is clearly more of an anger response. That’s concerns me some, because these behaviors are not tolerated anywhere, whether you’re a kid or not. There are moments I find myself staring at him, asking myself, “Why does this have to be so hard?” People get sick, and many times they get better. In life there will be bumps. It’s just the way it goes. I watch this behavior, tired from weeks of trying to walk him through it and all I can think is “Kid, if you don’t get this under control, the world is going to eat you up and spit you out.” I want so much more for him that what I see now. I have to stop and remind myself that he’s only 10, but on the other side of that he won’t be 10 forever. The time to learn to handle the upsets of life is when you’re young and have someone to hold your hand and walk through them together. Time seems to be passing so quickly these days. There are moments I want to tell him to just cowboy up and deal with it like the rest if us do, but I also get that’s just not possible right now. Of course it could be said its not possible because the people around him aren’t allowing him to demand enough of himself. At what point to we stop catering to the disability and start making him as accountable as everyone else his age is? I struggle with knowing what’s appropriate and knowing what he’s truly capable of. I want to hold him to a high standard because I know how smart he is, but I have to winder if I’m only setting him up for failure when I do that. I can see his potential and I want him to find every bit of it in life. I’m just still stumbling along the right path, following my gut instinct, hoping I’m doing the right thing. That’s the hard part about parenting; you don’t know whether you’ve done it right until after it’s passed. So we make the appointments with the psychiatrist again and hope for the best, and continue on with therapy hoping this time will resolve itself over time like it did before. I try not to worry about the long term coping skills he hasn’t seemed to develop yet too much and keep putting out fires. I’ll be glad when I can get back to life where I’m not holding my breath when I pick him up from school, hoping he’s had a good day. This action plan seemed to work last time, I can only hope the recipe hasn’t changed too much since then. I remind him of what he’s done well so far and give him to opportunity to catch him being good and making the right choices. I know it’s a reminder to me that patience is the main ingredient he needs right now, and hope this too shall pass.

a few small repairs

I’ve spent a good portion of the last few days thinking and re-evaluating my life, and my place in it. When a new role was called for in my family I stepped into it without question, without being so much as asked. I knew it was expected and just filled in, taking on extra responsibilities of more meal planning and transportation to doctors’ appts and researching medical conditions. I step back now and ask myself why I did this. This is the role I play, the caretaker. Why is this my role? Was it handed to me, or was it self-assigned? And as a person in the role of caretaker, why do I not take care of myself? The stress these new assignments gave me was something I was not ready for. I’ve assumed this role before and been able to keep moving without so much as hitch in my stride. What made this one different? It could be this added job was the final straw, the one I couldn’t handle. I don’t like admitting that there’s something I can’t handle. I’ve had my share of bullshit thrown my way over the years and although I’ve stumbled here and there and been sent to my knees more than once, I’ve always managed to find a way to assume the extra weight, re-adjust and get back up. Many times this was not done without the help of those around me. If I could do it before, what makes this time so much different? My mental set is changing this time. I’m finding myself taking a step back from the whole mess and taking in the view with a fresh set of eyes. I have become the person who picks up the slack for the person around me. There was a time I would have had little respect for someone like me, who just does and does and does because that’s what is expected of her. I have very little respect for myself now, it would seem. If I treated someone else the way I have treated myself I would fully expect them to call me on it. Well this time I’m calling myself on it. I have allowed this to happen.


That thought is where the change I’m making begins. I called myself on my behavior towards myself. This is unacceptable. I will not allow me to treat myself this way. I know my worth and I know my value and by allowing myself to continue to struggle under the weight I was currently carrying is not going to continue. With this thought I look again around the world I live in and ask myself what does the world I want to live in look like? It looks like a place where my needs are asked about and respected. It’s a world where I don’t feel the need to be nice all the time and just do what needs to be done. Ok, so we’ve started to get an image of what I want around me, now I compare what I have with what ui think I should have. Little things become glaringly obvious. My boundaries, my places my space is not respected, most of all not respected by me. I begin my respecting my own space and my own boundaries. I draw my line in the sand.

This is not to say I won’t continue to care for and look out for my mother and her medical needs and I won’t care for my children and continue to raise them as I see fit. There’s the key, as I see fit. I’m not going to live to please others, I will try not to silently seek approval for the things I do and say. I’m going to speak my mind. Its as simple as this, if someone else treated me as badly as I treat myself, I would have a problem with that person. So it only makes sense that when I do it to myself, I need to self correct the behavior. This means speaking my mind and giving push back where its deemed needed and not taking so much in stride. People are always going to push, the difference is now I plan on pushing back until I’m heard.

Part of the problem I’ve had with this whole issue has been the fear that taking care of mom has just become a life sentence. I saw myself being mandated to step into the shoes she had to fill when her parents fell ill. Both times she took on the new load and found a way to carry on no matter what it cost her. Even some of the behaviors she adopted were becoming my own, although unconsciously. I am choosing to set down the parts of the load I cannot handle and giving myself a rest. This translates into small things like making myself go to bed at a decent hour and going to the gym to burn off some stress. It also translates into larger things like saying no, and delegating some duties as needed in order to ease the load. It could also mean making more space in my life but easing out the part some people have overtaken in my life in order to have some more elbow room for myself. I allow myself to listen to the voice within me that tells me what I want. I already know what I need, I think we all do. I just need to allow myself to have it. It isn’t easy to stand my ground, but already I’m doing it. And I LOVE the way it feels.

whats too much

How much is too much? I have always believed that God does not hand you anything you are not equipped to handle. I have found myself in a place right about now where I am forced to question that. In the last few weeks I've been handed job stress, money stress, relationship stress, and family stress. Mom is sick and will most likely need surgery. My family demands have grown threefold overnight. I have bills to pay and not enough $$ to cover them. My job makes me document every move I make them gives me grief about taking one day off to take my mom to the radiologist. They ask if I have to have the entire day. My family puts demands on me to cook, clean and keep everything running. And the final straw, Pats been having behavior problems at school. He is a very angry kid and I have no idea why. I question him and run into brick walls. All I know is he's not happy I just can't tell you why. I have moments when I have to wonder why all this is handed to me now. I am only one person and anymore I'm stretched so thin I don't know how I can get anything else done. I would ask for help but there's nothing anyone else can do to help. I have nothing left some days and yet the demands don't ever stop. Moms issue requires a special diet so now I'm cooking two dinners instead of one. I don't know what I even need some moments. My friends listen and that is my salvation. Mom is stressed and she leans on me, getting progressively more clingy as the days pass. And I'm here, because I have to me. There's simply no other choice. I need to be there for her because that's what you do. People think I will continue to do whatever needs to get done, but I have to ask myself where I am in my own life. I've vanished from it completely. At least before I was there a little. Now, I don't even exist. And there's simply no space to fix that. When I'm done with what is needed, I'm too tired for anything else. I find myself craving an escape into books and sleep more and more often. They are the only things that are mine and I prtect them fiercely. They are my refuge in the storm. And for now, I hang onto that.

a little disjointed, bear with me.

I've started and finished this blog entry about four times, I end up deleting it and walking away. Been kind of a weird day and I have to get it out. Many many years ago I loved a man named John. He was my first love and he was my whole world for 4 years. We broke up over rumors of his drug habit and the volatile nature of our relationship. And I must mention, some pressure from my family, who hated him. At the time there was very much a tug of war going on. My parents won. I sit here and try to remember what we were like together, really just a couple of children trying out of sea legs for the first time, feeling like we were very grown up.He appeared in my life like an guardian when I was broken and sad, and he was the first person ever in my life that accepted me exactly as I was, even if I was hopelessly imperfect. In all my life up until that point I'd not had that. He's since passed and I hadn't seen him in close to ten years. I look over the time we had together and wonder what he remembered and what i meant to him in the long run. I ask myself what would have happened to us if we'd both been stronger people and more capable of being mature with each other. I was a whiner and he was self absorbed, and yet even now I ask myself what if. What if I'd tried harder? Then I choose to remember to way we'd fight with each other how vicious we could be and how we'd dig our nails in and not let go for anything.The only goal when we'd fight was to best the other person. His biggest problem with me was my inability to stand up to my parents. My biggest issue with him was his inability to actually use the enormous amount of talent he had. It seems, from information I've gained over the years, that he did indeed find his place in the world and found a circle where he fit and belonged. He was never able to find that place with me. That hurts some. And yet when I compare our lives, I haven't found that place yet, that place where if I were to end my days, people woulds know i had my voice and I found a place in life where I was hopeful and able to be who I am supposed to be. I haven't found that place yet, and I worry sometimes I never will. He found his place sooner because his timeline was much shorter than mine and the powers that be knew that. He had much less time to accomplish what he needed to do. I found a memory page of his on facebook and the pictures triggered a rush of emotions I wasn't ready for. He was so beautiful and damaged and dark. And for a while he was all mine. I believe in every relationship you take something from it, the purpose of being in that relationship. He was my first taste of passion and my first grown up relationship. At times it was dark and twisted at times it was light. More than once he let me down and broke my heart, as I know I broke his. Even now, I finally see the ripple effect his influence has on the current relationships I'm in. That's a little disturbing to me, as I didn't see until now how much power someones first love can have in the scope of their lives. I ask myself did he ever think of me? Did he ever wonder if I was happy? And if the roles were reversed would he find pictures of me online engaging, if even for a short while? He saw me as wild and free and for a while I was untamed around him. He gave me permission to break the binds id grown up in, but in time i allowed too much and things got too out of hand. I never learned how to set boundaries with him, and it would be a long time before i did finally figure it out.

I loved him, I hated him and even many years later, I still miss him.

Ok, I dont know if any of this made any sense, as I broke out of my format and followed train of thought in my writing. Please feel free to let me know if any of this makes any sense to anyone but me.

counting my blessings

When I get into a funk, it can be too easy to only see the negative in my life and forget the copious blessings I have all around me. When I get like this I have found the best defense is to take a minute and remind myself that although things may seem bleak sometimes, really I have a great deal of blessings all around me that I need to take the time to be grateful for and acknowledge. Here’s a few just to start:


When I went to bed last night I had enough blankets to be warm, and slept in a clean comfortable bed
When I fixed dinner last night there was enough for everyone to eat, and there will be again tonight
When I paid bills this weekend there was some money in my account to pay them, at least most of them
I am able to provide the medical and physiological care my kids need
My children are healthy and active and able to pursue the activities they enjoy
My mother is in good health and able to continue working if she chooses, but able to retire is she chooses to as well
My car started when I went to work this morning and I can put some gas in the tank
I can afford to provide my children the love and support they need to grow strong and healthy
I am healthy
I have a job and health insurance
God loves me
I have good friends who listen when I need it and care for me unconditionally and accept me exactly as I am not what they wish I was
No one in my family is addicted to anything, except maybe caffeine
I love others and I am capable of receiving love
My family loves me, even when we drive each other crazy
I have a cat who loves me like crazy, even she is mentally unstable

I recommend you do the same. I am grateful for the things in my life, even if t may not seem like it at the time. If I focus on the good things in my life, the bad things will pass in time. The goods things have a greater longevity. I know there could be more if I had time to stop and think about it, but this is a good start. We are so blessed, and I need to not lose sight of that, no matter what.

dreams

What do you want? I mean what do you really want? This has been an overwhelming theme in my life, and in this blog. This shouldn't be a hard question to answer, and yet the answer is something I still struggle with, and the answer still eludes me. I don't know why it comes so close, only to slip out of my grasp again. I have an idea now. I want to matter, its as simple as that. I don't mean just in this house or to my kids, I mean on a much grander scale. I want to walk in a room and have heads turn. I want people to seek out my opinion because they know I'll have the answer. I don't think I like what wanting this says about me. It makes me seem self centered and vain and I'm not comfortable with that. Maybe part of the reason I struggle with the definition of what I want is because I fear I won't like the answer. Once again tonight, through my poor decision making skills, I have managed to let myself down. I don't like how this makes me feel when I look in the mirror. I don't know how to fix who I am inside to make myself someone I'm happy to have looking back at me. I don't always like who I am inside. I make bad choices sometimes because I'm trying to fill a void. What kind of person would make me proud to have looking back at me in the morning when I get up? I want to be someone who matters. So to begin that, do I matter to myself? It has to start with me, right? I believe what you put out into the universe you get back. I'm so busy being wrapped up in my own minutia that I haven't pit much out there. This goes beyond looking for external validation, I think. I need to matter to me. What kind of person would I be if I mattered to me? What characteristics would I have if I mattered to me? That's what I need to define. I'm still getting to that place. I'm still clarifying who I think I need to be in order to matter to me. That's a clear step I need to master for the next step in this journey.