a little disjointed, bear with me.

I've started and finished this blog entry about four times, I end up deleting it and walking away. Been kind of a weird day and I have to get it out. Many many years ago I loved a man named John. He was my first love and he was my whole world for 4 years. We broke up over rumors of his drug habit and the volatile nature of our relationship. And I must mention, some pressure from my family, who hated him. At the time there was very much a tug of war going on. My parents won. I sit here and try to remember what we were like together, really just a couple of children trying out of sea legs for the first time, feeling like we were very grown up.He appeared in my life like an guardian when I was broken and sad, and he was the first person ever in my life that accepted me exactly as I was, even if I was hopelessly imperfect. In all my life up until that point I'd not had that. He's since passed and I hadn't seen him in close to ten years. I look over the time we had together and wonder what he remembered and what i meant to him in the long run. I ask myself what would have happened to us if we'd both been stronger people and more capable of being mature with each other. I was a whiner and he was self absorbed, and yet even now I ask myself what if. What if I'd tried harder? Then I choose to remember to way we'd fight with each other how vicious we could be and how we'd dig our nails in and not let go for anything.The only goal when we'd fight was to best the other person. His biggest problem with me was my inability to stand up to my parents. My biggest issue with him was his inability to actually use the enormous amount of talent he had. It seems, from information I've gained over the years, that he did indeed find his place in the world and found a circle where he fit and belonged. He was never able to find that place with me. That hurts some. And yet when I compare our lives, I haven't found that place yet, that place where if I were to end my days, people woulds know i had my voice and I found a place in life where I was hopeful and able to be who I am supposed to be. I haven't found that place yet, and I worry sometimes I never will. He found his place sooner because his timeline was much shorter than mine and the powers that be knew that. He had much less time to accomplish what he needed to do. I found a memory page of his on facebook and the pictures triggered a rush of emotions I wasn't ready for. He was so beautiful and damaged and dark. And for a while he was all mine. I believe in every relationship you take something from it, the purpose of being in that relationship. He was my first taste of passion and my first grown up relationship. At times it was dark and twisted at times it was light. More than once he let me down and broke my heart, as I know I broke his. Even now, I finally see the ripple effect his influence has on the current relationships I'm in. That's a little disturbing to me, as I didn't see until now how much power someones first love can have in the scope of their lives. I ask myself did he ever think of me? Did he ever wonder if I was happy? And if the roles were reversed would he find pictures of me online engaging, if even for a short while? He saw me as wild and free and for a while I was untamed around him. He gave me permission to break the binds id grown up in, but in time i allowed too much and things got too out of hand. I never learned how to set boundaries with him, and it would be a long time before i did finally figure it out.

I loved him, I hated him and even many years later, I still miss him.

Ok, I dont know if any of this made any sense, as I broke out of my format and followed train of thought in my writing. Please feel free to let me know if any of this makes any sense to anyone but me.

counting my blessings

When I get into a funk, it can be too easy to only see the negative in my life and forget the copious blessings I have all around me. When I get like this I have found the best defense is to take a minute and remind myself that although things may seem bleak sometimes, really I have a great deal of blessings all around me that I need to take the time to be grateful for and acknowledge. Here’s a few just to start:


When I went to bed last night I had enough blankets to be warm, and slept in a clean comfortable bed
When I fixed dinner last night there was enough for everyone to eat, and there will be again tonight
When I paid bills this weekend there was some money in my account to pay them, at least most of them
I am able to provide the medical and physiological care my kids need
My children are healthy and active and able to pursue the activities they enjoy
My mother is in good health and able to continue working if she chooses, but able to retire is she chooses to as well
My car started when I went to work this morning and I can put some gas in the tank
I can afford to provide my children the love and support they need to grow strong and healthy
I am healthy
I have a job and health insurance
God loves me
I have good friends who listen when I need it and care for me unconditionally and accept me exactly as I am not what they wish I was
No one in my family is addicted to anything, except maybe caffeine
I love others and I am capable of receiving love
My family loves me, even when we drive each other crazy
I have a cat who loves me like crazy, even she is mentally unstable

I recommend you do the same. I am grateful for the things in my life, even if t may not seem like it at the time. If I focus on the good things in my life, the bad things will pass in time. The goods things have a greater longevity. I know there could be more if I had time to stop and think about it, but this is a good start. We are so blessed, and I need to not lose sight of that, no matter what.

dreams

What do you want? I mean what do you really want? This has been an overwhelming theme in my life, and in this blog. This shouldn't be a hard question to answer, and yet the answer is something I still struggle with, and the answer still eludes me. I don't know why it comes so close, only to slip out of my grasp again. I have an idea now. I want to matter, its as simple as that. I don't mean just in this house or to my kids, I mean on a much grander scale. I want to walk in a room and have heads turn. I want people to seek out my opinion because they know I'll have the answer. I don't think I like what wanting this says about me. It makes me seem self centered and vain and I'm not comfortable with that. Maybe part of the reason I struggle with the definition of what I want is because I fear I won't like the answer. Once again tonight, through my poor decision making skills, I have managed to let myself down. I don't like how this makes me feel when I look in the mirror. I don't know how to fix who I am inside to make myself someone I'm happy to have looking back at me. I don't always like who I am inside. I make bad choices sometimes because I'm trying to fill a void. What kind of person would make me proud to have looking back at me in the morning when I get up? I want to be someone who matters. So to begin that, do I matter to myself? It has to start with me, right? I believe what you put out into the universe you get back. I'm so busy being wrapped up in my own minutia that I haven't pit much out there. This goes beyond looking for external validation, I think. I need to matter to me. What kind of person would I be if I mattered to me? What characteristics would I have if I mattered to me? That's what I need to define. I'm still getting to that place. I'm still clarifying who I think I need to be in order to matter to me. That's a clear step I need to master for the next step in this journey.

unexpected blessings in a snowy winter storm

My faith in humanity has been restored. Its funny to me the reminders you can get in life that people are looking out for each other when you least expect it. As I’m sure many of you know we got slammed this past weekend with 8+ inches of snow. I decided yesterday I’d had about all the family togetherness I could handle and took the kids out to Chuck E Cheese to burn off some energy, and so I could sit and read my book for a while. The roads were plowed but slippery, though we got there without any problems. On the way home, however, cutting through an intersection, we slid on a slushy part of the road and proceeded to sink my car into a snow bank with the passenger front tire sitting about 2 feet off the ground. All my usuall tricks, rocking back and forth, anchoring something under the tires, shifting into low gear were not working. I just couldn’t get any traction on that tire to yank myself out. It’s front wheel drive car, so that wheel suspended in the snow was going to be a problem. We had winds of 40 MPH yesterday, but I got out with my ice scraper and tried to get some space under the tire with it, all the while be battered by the blowing wind and snow. Nope, we were well and thoroughly stuck. The kids were starting to get upset and I was thinking we might be screwed. About the time I was about to figure out who to call to get us out of this mess, along came two complete strangers, from two different cars to help me out. In this intense wind and cold with snow in their faces, they got out of their warm cars, just because I was stuck. Sure enough with one of them pushing the front of the car from each side, we were able to wiggle free and be on our way. I thought about it for a moment afterwards after I waved and said many thanks to them, that people are basically good people. People who didn’t know me at all, saw I was in a jam and offered to help, for no other reason than I needed it. As much as we bitch anymore about how people are becoming more and more self centered and self involved, it warmed my heart to see it wasn’t entirely true, at least not yet. People are willing to help, when they see a need. Now, I just need to find a way to pay it forward. Karma works, and I feel there is now a debt to be paid to the universe. To whoever you guys were, thanks for looking out for someone else, and God, thanks for sending me a couple of your helpers when I needed it most.

control vs influence

What do I influence, and what do I control? As a parent I ask myself this sometimes daily, wondering which I’m looking to accomplish when it comes to my house, my family and my children. Influence, a subtle art, is done more by modeling the behaviors I’d like to see them repeat as adults as they grow. Control comes in the form of bedtimes, teeth brushing and chores. What is control? What does it really mean to control someone? To control, you mean to push someone else wants and needs aside in favor of your own. Some cases, especially when it comes to kids, its needed. They do not want to go to bed at a decent hour or eat their veggies or do their homework. I control them so that these things get done. Knowing that I control and influence their lives has caused me to adjust some parts of my life to fit who I hope they will be someday. I think most parents do this. Beyond children how much influence and control do we really have over the people we choose to let into our lives? We all like to think that we can control our circumstances and to a degree we can by deciding who we do and do not allow into our lives, out inner circle if you will. We control that access, but adding and removing people as we see fit. In this way we control our own environments to suit the needs we have to fill within ourselves. It could be argued that in this manner we control these around us as well by determining whether or not they are allowed I within our boundaries, but their actions, their choices remain firmly in their control. I believe we all like to think we can control those closest to us in the form of pushing them to make the choices we feel will bring them the most joy in their lives, but in reality, that’s not the case at all. I think many of wish we could put a finger into the lives of the people we love the most, when we see the mistakes they are about to make and wish we could stop them from making. If we could do that, if we really had the ability to control others like that, would we keep those that we love from learning the lessons along they way they are meant to learn? I know I have learned more from my epic failures than I ever have the things I did correctly the first time. If we could control the lives of those around us, would we be doing them a disservice by indulging ourselves like that? I look at those closest to me, and their lives and choices. I hope to influence their lives if they choose to allow me to be part of the process, if they even need someone to influence their choices. I love these people and have chosen them to be within my barriers because they are strong people who know their own minds and are captains of their own ship, to speak. These people, as dear to me as family, are not pushovers and I admire that about each and every one of them. If they were doormats, I would lose some respect for them, I think. The people who can stand up for what they believe in, and do what it takes to find their own voice and their own happiness are the people I want closest to me when the chips are down. We all try to make the best choices in our lives and we all have missteps along the way. But we also correct those and learn from them. Isn’t that what were all here to do, to learn and to love each other? Well I know I still have a bunch of lessons to learn, but I hope I’ve got the love part down so far. I hope some of my better choices might influence people around me, but I hope I’m never able to control any of them. I respect all of them too much for that to happen.  And I hope if I ever try, they love me enough to not allow it to happen.

which way to go

When faced with a choice, how do you know which way to go? One of my biggest problems when making any choice, is I can always see too many options, too many choices. This is the place I find myself in now. I find myself standing at a crossroads, with a number of choices at my disposal. Due to some issues erupting in my personal life, I'm thinking about moving. I've planned to move out in feburary for a while now, but now, as my personal dissatisfaction grows with the mundane aspects of my life, I question if I were to move, where should I go. I see a crack in a door I always previously saw as being closed. Too many options wait on the other side. As my aggravation grows, I find me letting my mind wander to broader horizons, further shores. I ask myself again, as before, what do I want? I draw a blank at the place where there should be an answer. My biggest fear is I will get stuck in this morass of indecision and do nothing at all, remaining in the place I'm in now. That option leads only to a growing sense of dissatisfaction and resentment. How is it possible I can't answer the simple question, what do I want? And if I don't know, how do I go about finding out? How does one dig for answers in their own selves? What stands in my own way, that I can't see far enough into myself to know what I need to be happy? I am choosing to focus on what I do know for now, I know what I'm doing now isn't working. I know the potential for me to do nothing needs to be guarded against by small careful steps in the direction of my dreams. I just wish I knew what direction I'm supposed to be heading. I fantasize about a guarding angel coming down and pointing the way, but since I don't live in a romance novel, it isn't going to happen. I need to find my way through this, I know the journey is part of the process of getting to know myself. Happiness will come when I'm listening to that voice within me that guides me. I'll let you know when I figure something out.

so DAMN nice

An interesting thing, to wander through the recesses of my memory and look at the images in my mind of who I used to be once upon a time. Over the course of a long conversation with a great friend, we talked about who we were way back when, versus who we are now and who we have become. I found it interesting that although I never noticed the process, how much I have changed internally since then. Not all of it for the better. The first thought I had was “When did I become so fucking NICE?” Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with being a nice person, I become a person who is nice to fault and bends over sideways to meet the needs of other people without any mind for their own wants and needs. This is not who I was in college, for example. I earned and enjoyed the title of castrating bitch. I was sarcastic and I was a smart ass. When my boyfriend at the time spent time in line flirting with the girl in front of us. He knew I was unhappy about it loud and clear. When I had something to say, I said it. When a person I once was friends with sent me a snide and underhanded letter, I didn’t hide in my room and sniffle and fume about it. If I found myself in that same situation, id toss the letter aside, pretend like it didn’t matter and move on. At that time, I went up to her and called her on it, right then and there. And she and I fought about it until we’d resolved it. We yelled, called names and I acted like my opinion mattered. When the fuck did that change? If someone treated me badly, it wasn’t uncommon for me to let them know they were out of line. Usually loudly and with swearing. Although that girl who went to college was far from perfect and not ideal, I miss her. She knew who she was, and she defended herself. I don’t know what happened along the way that I started to think of everyone else before I gave myself a passing thought. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Even now, as I recognize this, the act of standing up for myself and calling people on mistreatment is not a comfortable one for me at all. But, I can do it. When did that part of me start to slip away and why didn’t I see it as it left? This is not to say of course I will stop being nice entirely. I have a kind and generous side that I’m proud of and would like to nourish. This side of me would do anything for someone who deserves it. That’s the key, for someone who deserves it. This side of me can co-exist with the side of me that’s not going to let it slide when people are hurtful, careless or unkind with their thought or actions. We teach people how to treat us, and I’ve been sending the wrong lessons into the world. I still know what I’m made of; I just want other people to see it too. But in order for them to see it, I have to show it to them first. People have treated me badly in the past because I have allowed it and not handed out any repercussions for their poor choices. This aspect of who I have become is going to stop. Once upon a time I called someone out for their inability to treat me the way I deserved, and it got me nowhere. I think it may have started there. I actually listened to that person who was disrespectful of my voice. That person was wrong and I knew that then too. I have let that experience, and some that followed it, color the way I allowed the world to treat me. I know I have value. Now just need to make sure the rest of the world is reminded of that too. I’m tired of being nice all the time and not allowing myself a say in my own life. You only get one time around in this life, and a day unhappy is too much to waste, once you see the things holding you back. See you on the next step of this journey!